Published March 20, 2005
All of her emotions, Held up inside,
Boilng and churning inside of her,
She has finally reached the point.
She can't take it anymore.
She is ready to scream out,
But she won't,
She knows no matter how loud she screams nobody will listen.
She's screamed out before,
Nobody listened to her,
They'll still make descions without aksing her,
Never once seeing how she felt.
So why waste her breath this time?
She can make everything right in her head.
She'll shut the world out letting nothing in,
She'll make her head a dark room without any light.
She will be emotionless.
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141,319 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
fair enough, emotion less, at least you're not lying feeding people false truth
I am trying to help. Yes, writing is about emotion. But this person chose to post their writings up online. I can't help saying how I feel about the poem.
"All of her emotions, Held up inside,"
Straight away I was reminded of Nobody's Home by Avril Lavigne the entire song. And considering that I don't like her...
.[/quote]I can see you are trying to get your emotions out, but this seems like just another poem about feeling like no one cares.[/quote]
Mmp, i see this is a mode of expression. i don't think you need to change anything. it is how it is. i for one believe in a "who cares about spacing and like" state of mind, it shouldn't have to be like that. i've always been taught that when writing there is no wrong or right. it may not appeal to others, but hey...does that really matter? i realise you guys are only being suggestive and (hopefully) helpful, but go easy, there's more ways than one to skin a cat
Ugh. I was halfway thorugh writing something really long, and I lost it. GRRRRRRR!
Write it in first person. This is the single-best way to make it seem more emotional and it's more obvious what YOU feel. Even if you're not supposed to be the speaker.
Also, try to expand on certain ideas. Like in the beginning, "She has reached the point." When you took out "The boiling point," that was good, but now I'm even more clueless. What point? Tell me about this point. Or take it out altogether.
First line: Separate into two lines.
None of the other lines are this long. BREAK IT UP!
These were probably just typos, but it's "decisions" and "asking."
Also, you should separate into stanzas. It's much easier to read.
The ending's pretty good, but it's completely different from the beginning. Do you want to focus on the emotions she's holding up inside her, or on her deciding to be emotionless? Pick one and stick with it. Yoiu could write a completely different and much better poem by expanding on either of these ideas rather than just trying to jam them into one short, average poem.
This is MUCH better than your other poems. I actually feel like you care this time. Keep working on it!
Yeah, emotion_less is right. You've got all the old cliches in here, and no originality. Good concept, try to express it in a more interesting, fresh way.
Hey my name's in there
Anyway, this needs some work.
"She has finally reached the point.
The Boiling point. "
The added "Boiling point" destroyed the feel of the poem there.
"She knows no matter how loud she screams nobody will listen.
She's screamed out before,
Nobody listened to her,"
It seems kind of repetitive. Maybe you should condense it into one though? Also, it's kind of straightforward... like so what, how is this different from how we ALL feel?
"She'll make her head a dark room without any light. "
This might not be the best analogy.
I can see you are trying to get your emotions out, but this seems like just another poem about feeling like no one cares.