Published April 13, 2005
Each time you hurt me, You riped my heart away piece by piece,
Soon there was nothing left to rip away,
So you left me,
An empty soul with no emotions,
Afraid to love again, Didn't want to risk anything for love,
To love again I had to be an empty book,
That could easily be read, My deepest fear.
But he taught me to love again,
THat in the end it would be worth the risk,
That with the heartache comes so many rewards.
That feeling empty is horrible, That there is something greater than the risks.
I learned that not all rewards come in the beginning,
That some of the greatest rewards come in the end.
You soon built me back up,
Like a mason fixing a great wall brick by brick.
I soon depended on you so much,
I told myself that I'd never trust anyone again, Forced me out of my shell that protected me from the world.
I am what I'd said I'd never be again.
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
I like this, but it didn't seem to really say anything. And the line breaks, like niteowl said, were atrocious. And breaking it up into stanzas would make it much better. And the commas! AHHH!! take them out! the line breaks were bad by them sleves but when you put commas there it made then even worse, like here for example:
"So you left me,
An empty soul with no emotions,"
And I like the last line, very good ending. This is a good poem, just needs a few tweaks
iliked the poem
*cough cough* *mutters about a certain someone with NOO patience...* heh...jk, MG.... Once again, you should have waited for me to come and help.... lol...A better poem than your normal but you needed a ton of grammar corrections...ack, mother calling...will finish later.
Aaah, teenage angst. This was a pretty decent piece, although terribly cliched. It's nice that you're willing to post a piece that seems to express an internal conflict, and its always good to see a teen writing in their age group. Keep on writing, and always revise! Your poetry will never improve unless you revise. Good luck and keep writing!
This was really nice, not the best, but pretty. Here's some crit.
I think you should bring everything after the comma into a second line. You also spelled ripped wrong, as mentioned before. I don't like 'you ripped my heart AWAY'. I think you should say 'you ripped my heart to pieces' because ripping someone heart away sounds like ripping their heart out.
I didn't like your first line. I think 'You left my heart in pitiful tatters' sounds better than 'soon there was nothing left o rip away.' That's just my opinion though. 'An empty soul with no emotions'? I don't think someone can be without emotion. I think 'An empty soul with dulled emotions hidden under layers of protection and hurt' sounds prettier. 'With no emotions' is just too general. I mean, don't you think the person would feel fear, hate, anger?
You should move everything after the comma to another line. Also add an 'I' in front of 'didn't'. I agree with the open book instead of empty book. I liked your last line, but I think you should split it and put 'My deepest fear' on a another line for emphasis.
I think you should split your 4th line into two lines. I loved this area.
Loved the first line. The 2nd line was a little awkward, not great, but not bad. I didn't like your 3rd line that much. I think you should go into more detail with that. You should put everything 'forced' and everything after on another line. Also add 'but he' before forced because the sentence is incomplete and doesn't make sense without it.
Absoutely loved your ending. Awesome!
This was a very pretty poem. Hope my crit. helped.
Your line breaks are...I have to say this...atrocious. It looks like one big blob of letters. Not appealing to a reader at all. Also, BREAK IT INTO STANZAS PLEASE! It may look longer, but it's so much easier to read small groups than one hulking mass. Also you change your thought line somewhere in the middle, and in my opinion, you change the thought, you should start a new stanza. Here's how I would re-write (keeping original wording intact). Yay! Now I can read it! I'll do a line-by line now.
Each time you hurt me,
You riped my heart away piece by piece. <---You spelled "ripped" wrong.
Soon there was nothing left to rip away.
So you left me,
An empty soul with no emotions,
Afraid to love again.
Didn't want to risk anything for love,
To love again I had to be an empty book, <---An empty book that could easily be read? Do you mean open?
That could easily be read.
My deepest fear.
But he taught me to love again, <---I think you need to switch who's "he" and who's "you". Since "he" seems to be the main focus, make "he" "you" and vice versa.
That in the end it would be worth the risk, <---Too many that's. Take some of them out.
That with the heartache
comes so many rewards.
That feeling empty is horrible,
That there is something greater than the risks. <---The repetition of "risks" doesn't really work for me here. See if you can re-word this.
I learned that not all rewards come in the beginning,
That some of the greatest rewards come in the end.
You soon built me back up,
Like a mason fixing a great wall
brick by brick.
I soon depended on you so much, <--Take this line out. It does nothing.
I told myself that I'd never trust anyone again,
Forced me out of my shell <--This seems a little disjointed, like you're missing some little words that tie it to the phrase before it.
that protected me from the world.
I am what I'd said I'd never be again. <---I love this line. Great way to end there.
Overall, this is much better than any of your other poems. Great job!
I liked this...I disliked it...I'm not sure which I'm leaning to the most, probably somewhere in the middle. It was cliche, but yet, I felt like it was something new. I don't know...I can't really describe it.