Published May 13, 2005
I have not come up with a title for this title
I thought the eternal light inside my soul would always be there.
But how wrong I was.
After he came,
The blackness of the night came and put out the flame of hope.
He took it all away without any second thoughts,
He is the messenger of the darkness,
The one who steals away the worlds hopes and dreams,
Turning people into lost souls that are shadows walking the looming darkness.
He seemed so kind,
He beckoned me with his kindness.
I trusted him.
Trusting him was my mistake,
He soon hurt me,
Reduced me to nothing but a shadow in the blackness of night.
He stole away my hope,
My light at the end of the tunnel.
I've stopped looking for that eternal flame at the end of the tunnel.
Because that eternal flame withered away to nothingness never to return.
So why look for something you're never going to find?
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I also agree with Kylie J but it was kind of hard to read with Che Guevara over there(
) because I kept thinking you were talking about him.
good job, i liked this, it showed much felling expression, how about the title of the thread for the title, thats what caught my attention...
I agree with what Kylie J said about the "I trusted him/Trusting him was my mistake" thing. You do something similar in the last stanza with the light at the end of the tunnel and the eternal flame. Perhaps rewrite it like this.
I've stopped looking for that eternal flame
Because it withered away to nothingness,
Never to return.
Other than that, good job.
this was too wordy for me, it didn't really flow well. some lines seemed to go on forever. there are some good ideas here (like the one of him taking away your light at the end of the tunnel) but the message seems to be polluted with too much repitition of imagery. so, it's a good concept but i feel you need to work on it for this to be a good poem.
This was really good at conveying your emotions, it felt like the poem really spoke to me. As for a tittle, I think "Messenger of the Darkness" sounds good.
I think your first stanza should be three lines, since 5 3 5 3 seems to be your pattern.
I think where you begin that next stanza, with "Trusting him was my mistake," you should make it "That was my mistake" because the line before that already states that you trusted him. Also, I think the comma after "mistake" should be a period.
Hope this helps. Nice job!