Published June 23, 2005
This is my last breath I shall take
You shall never see me again
I am letting go.
Don't try to help me
I am beyond help.
I want to let go
I want to take my last breath.
I want to feel my last breath
Then I want to feel death whisk me away from this world
The next world shall be happier
I shall never feel the burden of each breath I take.
The walls won't close in any more
And I shall never feel the burden of each hit slowly getting me down onto my knees and making me beg for mercy.
I love you even though I am letting go
I just can't stay here anymore
Don't try to stop me cause I am like the seasons
I am only here for a short time then I disapper
Stopping me will just make it harder for me and you
You need to learn how to let go.
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141,407 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
It wasn't so much the repition that bothered me in this poem, it was just how personal it was. Honestly, I think this belongs in the Lyric Poetry section and I could move it if you wanted me to. However, too me it was just like "It's all about me, me, me. Me and my thoughs. Me and my problems."
Try to change it from another view like using "You." You could even mix it up using "We" or something. Try to break up some of the humdrumness.
Yes, far too much repitiation. It seemed like you were trying to find as many ways to say the exact same thing as possible. Which is not good. Yes, you're doing this, but as I was reading it I thought "So what?" There is almost no mention of why this person is commiting suicide. Who is s/he? How has it gotten bad enough to make her even consider it? What exactly is happening and why does she feel that this is the only way out? Why doesn't she Of course in poetry you don't need to say outright exactly what the answers to these questions are, but they need to be there. Reading this, I didn't get the feeling that you really knew.
Use images, emotions, metephores. Right now the language is very wooden and not interesting at all. It sounded like a robot. Maybe if an actor were performing this, it could be interesting to watch, but as it's not, it's a very bland read.
And I shall never feel the burden of each hit they is slowly getting me down onto my knees and making me beg for mercy.
I liked this line alot but it was a bit long in the poem sence.
There was a lot of unnessisary repitionin in my case (I call it thatbecause it kinda drove me insane)
I liked the analogy of you to the seasons. It was an overly sad poem and I really understood where you were coming from but I think you struggled on your way to get there. Do you know what I'm saying? I'd gie it a 7 out of 10 but I'm no critic. I just read it because there is prize money involved