Young Writers Society

back for my aforementioned review!

i disagree with the other reviewer saying that this was "undeveloped" because i think it is incredibly deep. sure, it's very disconnected in that depth, but i assume that is intentional. every stanza is, i assume, relating back to the central theme referenced in the title. which is very interesting btw! "retrospective memory exercises" is such a unique idea to tackle, but you've done it well!

i reiterated mantra of solid, consistent
sounds to myself: "spit on the ground,
but away from the table."

the first stanza is gorgeous! probably the most detailed stanza in the whole poem; there's a lot of complex images that juxtapose nicely with the main theme. i assume that the narrator is going through a rough time in their life, marked by a sense of detachment ("flaunting a mask"). the whole smoking thing is a nice metaphor for control over your life when it seems otherwise impossible. 15 is a complicated age with complicated feelings. this stanza shows that well!

stranger invited,
mother & he in separate rooms,
walls dry & hollow.

i'd have to say the second stanza is my favourite. there's something so gritty and REAL about these lines above specifically, but the whole stanza hit me like a train. the "stranger" could be a metaphor for so many things, and each new interpretation changes the poem so much. overall though, i'm sensing a reoccurring theme of isolation and disconnection. the narrator is always alone, even with the people that are most important. such as the mother in this situation.

also! "radiates out like marrow of my bones" is such a brilliant image to me. i honestly wish you had written more bodily imagery like this. there's something very human about it; the kind of human this poem already features. if you want to capture more raw emotion, maybe try to go that route.

coming back home from school,
third grade, harsh pennsylvania winter.

personally, i think this is your weakest stanza. it isn't at all a bad stanza, but it lacks the emotional depth the previous ones have. almost being kidnapped is a very traumatizing memory, yet this stanza does not have the essence. the act of smoking a cigarette in the first stanza somehow feels more detrimental to the narrator, which is a little confusing to me! in all honesty, it should be the most impactful.

i don't mind "action-based" poetry, but i feel like this stanza could use something more metaphorical. although, the narrator not knowing the other child's name is very interesting to me! it seems like a small detail, but it adds to that separation i was talking about earlier. they lack a relationship with their peers.

recess is over. i'm back in my body,
reflected back into myself, unwilling.

beautiful conclusion! it's simple in a way, but it lingers.

i think the idea of being "back in my body" is especially powerful. trauma and bad memories have a huge impact on who we are as people. even down to the metaphor of recess ending. your poem has a lot of references to childhood, but it lacks all of the innocence. it's a pure, unadulterated glimpse into life. the detachment of settings between stanzas and the sense of urgency throughout are more good touches!

anyways i'm very excited to see what else you write!

best,
creaturefeature

Hey, mantra, I will be using my custom template to review this poem:
The Ink & Quill

Overall, swell done, though this kind of poem is not my cup of tea, I still enjoyed reading and reviewing it!

“When you're in your darkest place, you give yourself hope and that's inner strength.”
― Uncle Iroh