I Just felt like doing a short fan fiction, that was semi true to the books.
Severus woke up in a cold sweat. He'd had another nightmare. They were growing worse and worse everyday. Terribly vivid images of a green flash of light, and a flash of the dark red hair he knew so well. Those beautiful eyes, once so full of life, gone glassy. No, he couldn't bear to think about it.
He need not worry. It was just nerves from the upcoming O.W.L.s he was to take today. Lily was fine- he hoped.
He tiptoed across the dormitories, past a loudly snoring Lucius, and to the water jug to have a quick drink of water. He gulped down the entire goblet in one great swig. He wiped his upper lip and crossed back to his bed. He couldn't fall asleep after that dream, no matter how comfy those blankets were.
Severus knew the nightmares weren't due to nerves, he'd been having them for a year now. Everyone thought he was a freak for looking so deeply into the dark arts. They didn't know he was merely trying to find a fool-proof protection for Lily. Otherwise, he probably wouldn't have had any interest in the dark arts. Once you got into them, they were very complex and fascinating.
"Hey Snivellus!" James called from across the courtyard. Severus sighed deeply. He tried to ignore him and catch up with Lily, who was hanging about with a bunch of Gryffindor girls.
With the first step, his ankle was lifted up into the air, hanging upside-down by his ankle. He roared in protest and fright. He was helpless, because he had dropped his wand in shock. If he hadn't he would have his feet back on the ground, and James wouldn't even have feet to stand on.
James lifted him up and down repeatedly. Severus shouted more and more, as Lily yelled in his defense at James. Severus saw a flicker of pain in his eyes as Lily yelled at James. Severus almost laughed, but it came forth as a frightened hiccup.
Severus didn't hear what happened, but next thing he knew he was on the ground, ankle broken. Lily rushed over to help him.
"I don't need help from a filthy mudbood!" Severus shouted angrily, trying to regain himself. Tears sprang into Lily's eyes as she ran off. Severus never forgot that day.
Please comment 
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there! Holographic Ladybug here with a review!
Overall, this had a very good story structure, but you could have used more detail. It has been forever since I finished the Harry Potter books, so I'm not quite sure where you are for parts of your story. This brings us to another point of mine: explanation. I wasn't totally sure where you were or what time of day it was during most of the story. You should probably take into account that this could be a visit to Hogwarts after a few years. I'm not quite sure what you're thinking, either, so what makes sense to you won't always make sense to your reader. Sorry.
'Severus didn't hear what happened, but next thing he knew he was on the ground, ankle broken.'
I brought this up in a review I made two days ago: how do you know that he hurt his ankle? Actually, I don't see exactly how he could have. Again, this brings us back to my point: readers don't always know what you're thinking.
Again, the structure of the story was good--it has potential--but some improvements could be made. Of course, you're here at YWS, right? You get structured feedback for your works; that's why we're here. This isn't the 'Let's Show Everyone How Perfect I can Possibly Be Society'. We're here to help you, so keep your chin up and don't let the negatives get to you.
~Holographic Ladybug
(Hums a tune an fades away....)
Well I think it was really boring, it's not very enticing but then again that's what i would expect for someone who wanted to write a fan fiction of Harry Potter. Sort out your paragraphs, no one's going to want to read stuff like this.
Please Comment
As soon as everyone reads this bit, they're gonna be like "ummm. no" that's why I'm the first commentator here.