"Seth, get up here!" Angela called from the kitchen. Seth sniffled and wiped the tears from his eyes as he got up to do his mother's bidding. He composed himself on the stairs and looked like his normal self once he reached the kitchen.
"What do you want now?" Seth asked in an annoyed tone. Angela glanced at him sternly.
"I need you to run to the store for me. We need bacon, flour, eggs, milk and sugar. Can you remember all that?" Angela asked.
"Yes, but how the hell am I supposwed to pay for it?" Seth moaned. He had been fired from his job a few weeks ago, and unable to find a new one since.
"I'll give you some cash, but watch your language around the little one," Angela said, gesturing to Gus who was sitting at the kitchen table, doing his math homework. Seth groaned as he took the money from his mother and grabbed the car keys.
Too lazy to grab a jacket on his way out, seth shivered as the cool night air whipped his face raw. His hair flew all round his face and beat his eyes. He managed to hop into the car, but was shivering as he did so. Seth cranked up the heat and started the car. Soon, he was steadily cruising down the street. The streets were dark and lonely at night, so Seth turned on the radio.
"Nevermind, I'll find, someone like you!" Theradio blared seth swore as he turned the radio off. More tears filled his eyes. It was hard to see anything. He turned off onto the highway in the middle of town, trying to clear his eyes and his mind, but Molly's beautiful face made it nearly impossible. He couldn't help it, he was losing control. Then the semi poulled out in front of him.
Seth had crashed before the semi was halfway onto the highway.
Seth knew he wasn't dead. He knew he wasn't awake. But was he really sleeping? There were no dreams. No memories, and no feeling of rest. Just a feeling of paralysis. He coul d move, but he felt heavy. He began to jiggle slightly, as though he were on a cart. This is when he opened his eyes. People in white coats, stained with blood, rushed him along through a bright hall. The lights stung his eyes. He tried to tell them to dim the lights, but it was too difficult. His head felt funny, like there wasn't as much in it as there usually was.
He raised his hand, only to feel a sharp pain as he did so. He screamed in agaony. One of the white coated peole gently laid his arm back down. She said something, but Seth's hearing was screwed up. The cart stopped.
One of the men in whitecoats put a mask over his face, and soon Seth was fast asleep.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: OKay...an interesting start here, its got a few issues scattered about here and there, but for the most part, this is a decent start to a story here, I think I would maybe read more after seeing this as the first chapter.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Uhhh....well I have to say this is a bit of an odd opening, its not that off, its fairly normal with a kid being asked by his mother to go help get some groceries from the store. The problem lies in how childish this person sounds and hence you assume its a pretty young kid, but then there's talk of him having to pay and being fired from a job...and that suggests this is a much older person, or at least a more mature person, so then it creates a bit of an odd personality there.
Hmm, well I suppose now it becomes a bit clearer that he is a much older person there, so hmm, I feel like you'd have to adjust the start there to make it sound like someone who's a bit older talking, or its just a bit odd, unless maybe you're going for an older character who happens to be a bit childish, in that case though, you're doing pretty well here.
Oh well that changed tune rather quickly, I was expecting this to go smoothly, but it appears this person was in a rather weakened mental state and then drifted off a bit at the wheel and before he know what's happening, he's in an accident...well, it certainly manages to produce quite the shocking twist there, so it definitely catches your by surprise, definitely a good thing to have in a first chapter, a catchy start like that.
Well, this is interesting, on one hand, I think the descriptions being used here are generic enough for this to be taken as just a hospital setting, but then the vagueness also seems to suggest that potentially something crazier could be happening here and that makes for a pretty fun ambiguity there, and overall a neat little cliffhanger here for an ending.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is a pretty decent start here. Its mostly the childish behavior situation at the start that throws me off a little with this piece, otherwise its a pretty interesting piece here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry