no chinese in this part of the story
--
-“No one cares about the rich anymore.”
“What do you mean? We still have a mystery to solve.”
-“Would you recommend splitting up to get the job done?”
“Heck, this place is scary as crap! I mean, no, sir!”
-“Suit yourself. Either way, we need to find out who killed the girl.”
“P-Please tell me more about her. What do we know?”
The older man stops.
-“I know virtually nothing, other than that she lived here, she was probably royalty, and this dynasty of this new micronation is over.”
“R-Royalty of a micronation?”
-“I don’t know how that's possible, but this girl was very, very, legitimate."
"Sir, to your left!"
-"Sh-"
"N-Now. Here, that's gotta say something about her."
-"My Lord. You don't know what that is, do you?"
"Not exactly..."
-"That girl was a...Oh, bless my soul."
"What?"
-"Just take a picture of that, now. I'll give my explanations later."
"Sir, you sound really tense."
-"I've been on this...investigation career for twenty-four years, but I haven't seen anything like that. We need to get out. You take the other wing, would you?"
"Sir, do we have another option?"
-"No, we don't. You record everything down that looks suspicious, okay? Now you better go."
The two men give each other a final look before splitting up.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello again manilla!
awww.
I can see how this figures into the story a bit--the two speakers don't particularly care who the girl was, and the royalty bit comes up later on. Still, it strikes me as a bit of a weird start, and it's not immediately followed up by anything related, so maybe you could make its connection to other parts of the story clearer? At the moment it's just kind of out there all by itself.
This part is a little unclear, especially with the timeline. The girl only died a few days ago, right? This sounds more like they're discussing a very old murder, years old. And are they not from the micronation that they're talking about...? It's pretty vague, but I'm not sure why they need to speculate so much--about her royalty, the dynasty, the micronation. Why don't they know more?
This is one of your best bits!!
For some reason sound doesn't quite work here--maybe because all we have is the dialogue? Something like, "Sir, you look really tense" or "Sir, calm down, you seem really tense..." might work better? I'm not entirely sure on this, feel free to totally ignore.
A little confused. It sounds like they need to escape for some reason, but it also sounds like they still need to investigate? So I'm not sure which is the priority and it could be a little clearer on that.
I love where this is going so much! Again, I really love the style you've taken on with this piece. The mystery about this girl's murder and what clues might have been left behind only deepens. The fact that we can't see the clues only makes things more suspenseful! So I don't think that I have much more to say other than I really like this.
-Q
Hi, Shikora here with a review.
Now this is a nice start to a story, i see you are giving more away slowly, but you are giving us what we need to know for now.
But I did see somethings I would like to point out.
First is that you don't have any description, now I don't know if you have any plans to do that later, but it would be best if you start adding some in now.
You see adding description it helps us as the reader to start to get to know your characters and it would be easier for us to get hooked form the very beginning. With out the description between your dialog it would be like we are just reading some lines and, it feels like we aran't really getting anywhere.
So to help you out I' going to give you a few things to keep in mind when your reading, sound, sight, smell and touch. You don't have to use all of these just one or two.
Now I also would like a little description on your characters, because I don't really have a clear image in my head, I'm kind of having to come up with there looks as I read.
The very last this is that, when there don't talking you don't really tell us who it was, we kind of have to guess. If you know what I mean.
But on the up side your dialog is really good, and I don't know how you did it, but even with out the description I could still make out who is in charge and who is not. So well done. I'm sure with a little help you will be able to make this into a really good story.
Well that's it from me today. Sorry If I came across as a bit harsh, I didn't mean to. But i would love to be tagged for the next chapter. I hope to see more of your works on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
Shikora.
Thanks! Your review wasn't harsh. The point of this story is to give away only what can be expressed through words, so there's not terribly much I can do about sensory details, though. (I'll try, however!)
Oh okay, I understand. You keep on going then.