Hello again manilla!
no chinese in this part of the story
awww.
-“No one cares about the rich anymore.”
I can see how this figures into the story a bit--the two speakers don't particularly care who the girl was, and the royalty bit comes up later on. Still, it strikes me as a bit of a weird start, and it's not immediately followed up by anything related, so maybe you could make its connection to other parts of the story clearer? At the moment it's just kind of out there all by itself.
“Heck, this place is scary as crap! I mean, no, sir!”
I like him so much.
-“I know virtually nothing, other than that she lived here, she was probably royalty, and this dynasty of this new micronation is over.”
“R-Royalty of a micronation?”
This part is a little unclear, especially with the timeline. The girl only died a few days ago, right? This sounds more like they're discussing a very old murder, years old. And are they not from the micronation that they're talking about...? It's pretty vague, but I'm not sure why they need to speculate so much--about her royalty, the dynasty, the micronation. Why don't they know more?
-“I don’t know how that's possible, but this girl was very, very, legitimate."
"Sir, to your left!"
-"Sh-"
"N-Now. Here, that's gotta say something about her."
-"My Lord. You don't know what that is, do you?"
This is one of your best bits!! You do an excellent job here of conveying the scene without any description or dialogue tags, and I think it's pretty fantastic. It's just so very vivid without telling us directly what's going on, which is perfect.
"Sir, you sound really tense."
For some reason sound doesn't quite work here--maybe because all we have is the dialogue? Something like, "Sir, you look really tense" or "Sir, calm down, you seem really tense..." might work better? I'm not entirely sure on this, feel free to totally ignore.
We need to get out. You take the other wing, would you?"
You record everything down that looks suspicious, okay?
A little confused. It sounds like they need to escape for some reason, but it also sounds like they still need to investigate? So I'm not sure which is the priority and it could be a little clearer on that.
I love where this is going so much! Again, I really love the style you've taken on with this piece. The mystery about this girl's murder and what clues might have been left behind only deepens. The fact that we can't see the clues only makes things more suspenseful! So I don't think that I have much more to say other than I really like this. Feel free to tag me if you come out with another part of this!!
-Q
Points: 5966
Reviews: 498
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