Young Writers Society

Hello hello!! Here to bring this out of the green room for you!

Is this really a novel chapter because it reads more like a short story. I think it could easily be expanded into a novel because this feels like a really intriguing plot. I love a good mystery and I love a good kidnapping story.

I also think it's really intriguing that this MC was also kidnapped by the person that has his friend (right?) and so he doesn't want to turn the guy in to get his friend because of the Stockholm Syndrome business and wants to do it himself. With that though, why is he putting up missing person posters if he wants to do this low-key and on his own? And why does he want to rescue his friend in the first place if he still has some emotional connection to the captor? Is he worried that by rescuing his friend he could be potentially putting himself in danger again by being in close proximity to this captor? Does he know the friend wants out of the situation? It almost sounds like he's trying to get revenge - the captor wanted the friend more than him so now he's going to take the friend away.

My biggest qualm was the structure. I love interesting structures and non-linear timelines. My guess is each visually different piece of text (the bold parts, italics parts, and regular parts) are intentional and each have a meaning and will illuminate a certain part of the story and eventually it will all piece together? If that's the case, 100% on board, do the thing. But, where you'll have to be careful is not overwhelming the reader with the differences so that the reader gets confused. I would either stick with one type of text per scene or have no more than one switch per scene just so the reader stays grounded in when.

Overall though I think it's a really intriguing concept and way of constructing the story! If you end up posting more of this, let me know because I'll keep reading! And let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!

Hey, nice to see a fellow Hetalia fan on the site. Let's get right to the review, huh?

First off, I'll get into the positives. Lukas' reactions in the beginning are spot-on with his character- he is by nature rather monotonous and prone to heavy thoughts so his initial reactions are definitely a way he'd act. I'm also fond of your descriptions, as they really help the reader to get into how the characters are feeling. My favorite part is likely the bolded text, as it is deeply poetic in some places and add to the darkness of the piece. Your last lines really hit me, for example, as they were incredibly deep and real in nature.

Now on to the negatives. Let's cover what I found wrong story-wise first. To begin, your portrayal of Lukas in the latter half of this and of Berwald's whole character are really skewed. I know you are doing this to create a story, but while both characters are capable of great violence within the frame of war and political turmoil, as people they wouldn't act like this. Yes, Berwald is incredibly fascinated by Tino, but he is also supposed to be fairly gentle. Yes, Norway can be rather cold and cunning, but he isn't the sort to go out and ignore logic altogether. This piece is fine story-wise, but not with these characters. If you really want it to be about them, give me more reasoning why they are together, what drove Tino away, and why Berwald and Lukas are so quick to jump to violence. "Because I love you/ how dare you betray me" aren't answers that can be taken care of in a sentence or two and then make perfect sense. Secondly, you don't give context to whether or not these characters are immortal countries or mortal humans- if countries, they REALLY wouldn't act like this, as humans, who are bit more prone to irrationality, you would need to provide a lot more character development and background before I would be willing to believe that anything like this would occur. Third, your timeline needs a more solid mention- I had to read this a few times before I realized that a month has passed. I actually thought this all took a place in a day, and that the italics was a flashback- that Tino has been missing a month and that Lukas was only going to the police and going to find Tino now. I suggest mentioning how long it has been in the part where Lukas is wondering why he hasn't gone to the police with the new info so as to make your timeline a bit more clear.

You also have a number of spelling issues which I'll get into below chronologically.

"he posts them to the pull" It should be pole.

"No, way." The comma is unnecessary.

"Lukas selected contacts that would tint his eyes an emerald green; Unnatural, unnerving. " No capital letter in unnatural.

" After he put up the lampposts, " He put up posters, not lampposts.

"He strolled out midday," I would suggest 'at midday'.


Overall, this could use some work. You have some solid descriptions and an interesting concept, but the execution of your idea seems rushed and could definitely benefit from a bit more time and effort. It isn't bad, but I think that you have the potential to do a lot better.

Have a nice day! ^v^