this is something that most of you guys will probably find really dumb. i just wrote this a long time ago when i was like eleven. xp
Part one of Prologue
“Goodbye.”
The single simple word, which should not have affected me in the least, caused my heart to give an unexpected lurch of pain, as I stared at the dangerous, breathtakingly handsome boy who’d spoken it.
So this was goodbye...
I’d known all along that this moment would come; it was as inevitable as death itself.
I’d just never imagined that it would hurt so much...
“Okay.” My voice cracked and I quickly turned away from him. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him goodbye. If I did, I just knew I would break down right in front of him. And that was something I just would not allow myself to do.
I took a few steps forward until I was only a few inches away from the crystal clear lake that was my only way home.
Home...
It seemed a lifetime ago when I’d first left my home and ended up here.
My dad was probably sick with worry. How had this happened? I’d been so happy with my life when BAM! I’d somehow come upon another dimension. A place where magic wasn’t just fantasy, where danger lurked in every shadow, where mythical creatures were a part of everyday life...
Most importantly it was a place that I’d come to love more than anything...
I blinked the tears away before they ever even had the chance to surface. And with a sigh took a step into the lake. It was cool against my warm skin and I suppressed a shudder as I made my way deeper.
Well, this was it. This was the beginning. This was the end. This was what I’d searched frantically for since I’d arrived in this magical place. This was what I’d wanted more than anything. And yet, I realized at that moment, if I’d had a choice I would have stayed in this world.
Stayed in this world with him.
I came to a stop and looked back at him. This time I couldn’t stop the unwanted tears that immediately filled my eyes. This would be the last time I would ever see him. How could I stop the tears?
I gazed at him for a long time as I let the tears roll, silently down my cheeks. I couldn’t help the way my heart seemed to flutter in my chest and, occasionally, skip a few beats as I stared into his entrancing red eyes. It had been like that since the first day I’d met him.
I’d never seen anyone as handsome as he and I knew I would never see anyone as beautiful as him ever again. He was tall and was muscular. His hair was dark. His face was flawless. Everything about him was absolutely perfect except, of course, the horrible mood he always seemed to be in. Just the mere hint of a smile on his all too perfect face was a very rare thing.
I’d often wondered why that was. I’d never learned that answer though and I knew I never would. Now that I thought about it, I didn’t know much about him, except for the known fact that he was not human. His dark red eyes gave that away.
I turned away from him once more and began walking again. I was concentrating on the cool waters of Mystical Lake that I was now knee-deep in when my heart gave another lurch of pain as the thought of never seeing him again, crossed my mind once more. But I still had a father to think of, a father that I hadn’t seen in an entire year.
An entire year...
It was hard to think an entire year had gone by so fast, that I’d spent an entire year in this mysterious world with all of its dangerous adventures. It was even harder to think I had spent that entire year in the company of him and still, I barely knew a thing about him.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
wow, this is really good. There are just a few mistakes though.
*handsome as he was*
other than that ITS PERFECT!!!!!!! I am so! into this already .I can't wait to read more of it.
*ahem* Ajuntah is right. Also, you've done those two, but posted another thing of yours. You now need to critique another 2 things, to keep a 2:1 ratio.
I liked how good you used it in first person, its really nice. You really should write some more, you can be super good someday. But I do have a question. Don't you have to write two reviews before you post your own work? I don't mean to sound rude, but it is in the rules.
Thanks for all the advice you guys, I'll try my best. I'm working on this story. I dropped it when I was about eleven or twelve, but you guys have made me realize that if I work on it, it might actually turn out to be a good story.
Thanks again for the advice!!
I agree that it is ironic to post something that you think isn't good. On the other hand, I think this was a fairly good piece! Especially for an eleven year old! Can you feel your young skills causing me envy, cause I can!
Alrighty. I'd like to point out that this type of fantasy writing is incredibly cliche. Love, mythical creatures, and another dimension. On the other hand, if you worked to improve it, you could give this style of fantasy your own little flare! That'd be really awesome.
Also, this is part 1 of the prologue?! Post all of it at once!
Lastly, it seems to kind of drag. Tears, goodbyes, father, tears, beauty, pain, pain, father, more tears. Repetitive. Give some nice, sharp descriptions that hint towards the story that is not ending, but beginning! We don't feel the emotion yet because we don't know the characters! Once we know the characters, a climax, or ending like this would be just fine!
PM me if you have any questions! Alright then, bye! Keep writing!
That is good. Go on like that. Looking forward to read new chapter.
Good
Aww... I wanna read more.
Anyway... As lyrical_sunshine has pointed out... Please, PLEASE no Mystical Lake! Give it a better name! :S It sounds so... Erm... I can't find a word to describe it... Oh yeah. Weird.
So... The MC is stuck in another dimension... She searches for a way to go home.
Am I correct?
You know, it's a plot quite a few people use. However, the adventures the MC has in the story vary from writer to writer. So, well, it's unique in its own special way.
Well then, as I said before, I'd love to read more.
Keep on writing!^^
I actually really like this! There are just a few things that I'd like to see you change. First: Please don't tell us exactly what's going on. Maybe it's just me, but I love suspense. I don't WANT to know that she fell into a magical world. I don't want to know exactly what mood Red Eyes is always in. I want you to draw us in. Make us wonder; make us curious.
Secondly: Please, please, please, please, PLEASE don't call it Mystical Lake. Please.
I'm excited to read more!
Ah I love it already!
Ehh I tended to lose interest here, the concept is cliche. Like one of those annoying kiddie books that are all the same.
I haven't read the rest of this yet, but I tell you now, there is only oen redemption to your story...
Your characters. They'd better be awesome.
OMIT that last sentence, it makes no sense.
Info dump! (info dumps are bad to do and bad habits to get out of, I just managed to get out of that habit)
Geh! Last line! No!
Your characters intrigue me, which means you've already redeemed your story, which is a good thing.
I hope I didn't sound too patronizing or mean in this, I honestly didn't mean to be.
Well if you have any questions, feel free to PM me. ^_^
~Alice
~Your friendly neighborhood waternymph vampire
Hmmm...it seems odd to put something on here that you wrote four years ago that you agree is really dumb. Usually, if you decide to put something you wrote a while ago on here, then it would be something that you think had promise and you would edit and change it around. I don't think it really makes any sense to put this on here before you've edited out the cliches and made it something worth reading.
And so, since this was obviously just an inspiration you got from reading a bunch of fantasy fiction, you either need to throw it out completely, or edit it majorly. It could be interesting to start a fantasy story as the main character is leaving the mystical world instead of arriving, where most fantasy stories start. Although its promise might have been buried beneath a ridiculous amount of cliches, which I'm sure you are aware of, I don't think it is totally worthless. So, if you feel the urge, go over this and make it into something cool. Or else delete it and forget about it.
Good luck with this and PM me if you have any questions.