Part one of chapter 1(not yet named)

:oops: Part one of Chapter 1 :oops:

I watched through half-opened eyes as the last rays of sunlight gradually faded from the empty sky. I balled my hands up into tight fists at my sides, and ignoring the painful way my nails bit into my palms, I kept all of my attention on those last rays of light.

The sky was growing darker and darker with every second that passed, and the light was growing farther and farther away. It was about that time again, that time that I dreaded more than anything.

I unclenched one of my hands and rested it on the butt of the 357 magnum, which I kept in the dark leather holster that was almost always around my hips. A moment later a tremble seemed to ripple through the air as the sun’s light suddenly vanished from sight and darkness spread its way over the earth. And like always, the silence of the daytime was replaced with the frightening howls of the nighttime.

I blinked as I waited for my eyes to adjust to the dark.

“They’ve picked up our scent, they’re coming.” The voice was calm and confident as always. I turned to look at my little brother who sat cross-legged on the ground a yard away from where I stood. His eyes were shut and he was shirtless. You would have never guessed that I was a year older than his fifteen years. He looked like he was eighteen where as I looked like I was fourteen.

“I figured.” I replied and continued with a touch of sarcasm. “We are pretty close to their den, thanks to you.”

“Get ready Grace, they’re very close.” He said in such a tranquil voice that I wanted to kick him. Why was it, he was always the calm one telling me what to do? I was the oldest after all, even if it were only by a year and two months. I should’ve been the calm one telling him what to do.

“Well, they would have never found us if it weren’t for you. You’re the idiot who led us here. We could have been resting safely at the base right now if you hadn't decided to dive into that stupid river and almost drown yourself." I took a deep breath and continued my rambling. "I mean did you or did you not see that waterfall up ahead before you jumped in?" A shiver rippled down my spine as I remembered diving in and following my brother down the waterfall, the fear of losing him gripping at my heart.

He shrugged and I pulled the 357 magnum from its place and prepared myself for whatever was to come. It looked like he would be the one protecting me! But no, I was protecting him!

“I wish I had my 9mm, but I left it by that river before I went for a swim. But hey, you have to admit, swimming down that waterfall was pretty fun.”

Swimming? You almost got us both drowned!” I eyed him as he got to his feet and slipped on his black shirt, which had been hanging from a tree branch. Then he put something around his neck, which I recognized as a silver necklace, with a cross on it, that our parents had given him a long time ago.

“Hey, Eric,” I said in a low voice. “Do you think we’ll ever see them again?”

He stared down at me for a moment, knowing all too well who I was referring to, with sky blue eyes that reminded me of my mother’s. I could remember her staring down at me with those same eyes, her dark hair spilling about her shoulders. But Eric’s hair wasn’t like hers at all. No, his was a lighter shade, the same shade as our dad’s hair.

I shut my eyes and tried to force the image away as I saw my mom standing beside my dad and my brother. Eric had a little bit of both of them in him, where as I looked nothing like any of them. My eyes were hazel, I had long blonde hair, and I was short where they were all tall.

I turned my gaze back to my brother.

“Grace-” He suddenly jerked his head up and stared past me.

“They’re here.” He stepped in place beside me and I quickly turned to follow his gaze. He was right; they were here, standing approximately one hundred yards away from us, their red eyes glowing in the dark. Their perfect faces twisted with satisfaction and they were staring at me.

There were five of them, each standing at least six feet tall. They were all males, as was expected. The females rarely left their dens.

I raised the 357 magnum in the air and aimed for one of them. In a flash they were all headed straight towards us, and then something so unexpected happened, something that had never happened before. The gun slipped from my hand.

“Grace!” I turned my eyes to my brother whose eyes never left the beasts that were only inches away from us now. You would have never thought that only two seconds had passed since we had first spotted them, but they were just that fast.

“Eric.” My voice was a low whisper as I shut my eyes, trying to prepare myself for the pain that was to come. But nothing could have ever prepared me; nothing...

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budding writer
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this story is awsome. i recomend that you name this 'the circle of past'. purrrrrfect. pm me !

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scasha
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scasha wrote a review · Sun May 04, 2008 11:34 pm

I kept all of my attention on those last rays of light.
say instead, I kept my attention focused on those last rays.
I unclenched one of my hands and rested it on the butt of the 357 magnum, which I kept in the dark leather holster that was almost always around my hips.
-- take out almost
“They’ve picked up our scent, they’re coming.” The voice was calm and confident as always.
-- wait so she's just waiting for something evil to come get her? Shouldn't she be searching for shelter or something.
You would have never guessed that I was a year older than his fifteen years.
-- you would have never guessed that I was the older one.
He looked like he was eighteen where as I looked like I was fourteen.
-- try not to focus too much on the age thing especially numbers. Maybe say something like he looked far older than he was or something like that.
Why was it, he was always the calm one telling me what to do?
insert "that" after it I
was the oldest after all, even if it were only by a year and two months. I should’ve been the calm one telling him what to do.
-- take this out. I totally had no idea that the voice was your brother...try to clear that up.
“Well, they would have never found us if it weren’t for you.
delete this

It looked like he would be the one protecting me!
he should be the one protecting me, not the other way around.
He stared down at me for a moment, knowing all too well who I was referring to, with sky blue eyes that reminded me of my mother’s.
instead say: He stared down at me with sky blue eyes that reminded

I really liked this piece. Those were the specific suggestions. I think that this goes a little too fast for my liking. It's great to have action but you want to make your readers understand exactly what you're saying. Break everything down and look it over. Find the parts that you wrote too little or too much on and the other parts that are confusing.
I really liked the opening paragraph description. You have a wonderful narrative voice! well done! Keep up the good work.



When a flower doesn't bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.
— Alexander Den Heijer