Ami
She’s the one who gives the words life.
The one who makes picking up a book dangerous.
The one who insists that the fragments and sentences
Coil around me and tighten,
Until the gasps of air burn my lungs.
Yes, she’s the one, who lives inside of me,
The one who can’t be smothered.
She takes to scraping her nails around
And piercing through my heart,
Enjoys squeezing me inside out
And breaking every part.
A darker force than most will know,
She’ll make anything that’s unreal
Something wanted,
Simply because it can never be obtained.
A dark haired demon with bloodied eyes
A gorgeous face to taunt me with,
The hands that hold the razors.
Laughing and smiling, transferring her pain
Letting all her anguish dance out of my veins.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay, let me begin by saying this tries to be too smart and loses any beauty person might feel for it. Harsh I admit, but it's true, you try to throw in too many metaphors and similes that you begin to sound pretetious. This isn't a good thing.
A good way to do poem like this is to concentrate on one image rather than give many. Or if you have many images explore them, don't just list them. Otherwise the reader begins to drown in the images. The one thing I can say good about this is the word choice, other than that you just seem to try too hard to make this point that you lose the readers interest early on and far from effecting the readers you instead bore them.
My suggestion for you is to take your favourite image from this poem and concentrate it around this, and you'll have a stronger poem then, I promise and I'd be willing to read the revised version.
I hope this helped
VSN
Hi there! KL here... I shall be your critic for today. I'mma gunna dissect your poem now. :]
First off...
Hey, I thought the poem's title was 'Ami'? If you are referring to the girl's inner self, you can just keep that inner self unnamed. You don't name personalities, don't you? Like, you don't go over in the street shaking other people's hands going, "Hi, I'm [your name]! And here with me is my other self, Sammy!" or something. Just keep her unnamed. It's cooler that way.
Hmm. Interesting... but why would reading a book be dangerous? Why would it plunge you into despair?
Sentences is a too-technical word. Find another to replace that.
This does not make too much sense. Clarify this, or replace it completely.
Cliched at the first line, confusing in the next. Find another word for 'smothered'. Un-abbreviate 'can't'.
Scraping her nails around what? Why does she pierce through your heart?
Don't try to rhyme just for the sake of rhyme. It's annoying.
Why will most know this? Isn't it only you who experiences this "second persona" 's torment? Good imagery in the next three lines, though. Just work it out with consistent rhythm and you will probably improve more.
I thought she was 'gorgeous'. Demons are not 'gorgeous'. They are 'hideous'. And that is a cliche image, 'bloodied eyes'. 'Gorgeous' people don't have 'bloodied eyes'. That is a contradiction, and frankly, that doesn't make sense. Why razors? Just go with the nail-scraping stuff you had earlier. That's far much better. Don't give her material things. It's better to be natural. Its more creepier that way, if that's what you were trying to do - make it creepy.
Why does she torment you anyway?
-------
Overall, you've done good with setting the mood, but this poem needs a bit working out. It's good at first glance, but then the nitpicks begin popping all over the place like jacks-in-a-box. There are still a few careless mistakes (if you reread this, you can spot it by yourself), and well... good job. This was good. I quite enjoyed it. It just needs a bit of clarification in the imagery and the message and stuff... Well, I hope you work out the kinks. PM me if you need anything else...
See you around.
Have a nice day.
~ KL
I loved the poem and what it represents to me. For me it was describing my inner writer. It was truly wonderful to read.
I totally loved it, it was very good, very descriptive. Your poetry is very good, this poem was awesome. I didn't just like one line I liked the whole poem. But I loved this line because I liked how you described her as the beautiful demon that's taunting you.
soo, keep writing
pudin
Oh golly thankss XD
haha you made me happy , thanks for your comments !
I might change that line , but it did have a meaning behind it .
She is supposed to be the one who makes picking up a book dangerous , because she's that depressed demon who enjoys taunting me with the fact that I'm probably never going to live a life that's in a novel .
But interpret it the way you want . (: That's what poetry is .
hey hey hey. dogs here
I LOVE YOUR POEM!!!!!!!!!!!! it sounds great and i know exactly what you mean. I LOVE the description and how it flows all together. my favorite lines is "she will make something unreal, something wanted, simply because it can never be obtained." that flows great and i completely relate to that line.
The only thing i don't like is the second line when you say "she is the one that makes picking up a book dangerous." ?????? what do you mean by this??? it don't make any since to me. i would suggest something more evil. that defines what she does. something that ties into the entire coiling around you and tightening. or the squeezing your heart.
This poem was absolutly AMAZING i truely loved it and i think that you should keep on working on this kind of amazing poetry BEST OF LUCK =D
TuckEr EllsworTh