I liked it, particularly the second stanza. The parts I didn't like were these:
with the color of age -
Yellow. Yellow
Take out either the 'color of age' or the 'yellow', because one should bring the other to mind, and putting both in takes away from the reader's job of imagining. Taking one away will give it more of an implication thing, more subtlety.
This archaic instrument
resounds the
the ballad at
Archaic and ballad and resounds are all awkward words here... they stop the flow. So does starting the beginning of the third stanza with 'This', a set up for a complete sentence - it clashes with the second stanza.
Keep working on it, it has a lot of potential.
Points: 5688
Reviews: 254
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