Published January 16, 2007
My fingers flutter.
The keys glisten
with the color of age –
Yellow. Yellow
like the sun,
That casts light on the music.
Each note is
lovely and
perfect in its
timing. Then,
Clang. Sour.
I’m a little rusty,
but so is the piano.
This archaic instrument
resounds the
the ballad at
my wedding,
and the song
at my funeral.
And I play
the ancient keys,
making sweet melodies,
That are unexpected.
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I liked it, particularly the second stanza. The parts I didn't like were these:
Take out either the 'color of age' or the 'yellow', because one should bring the other to mind, and putting both in takes away from the reader's job of imagining. Taking one away will give it more of an implication thing, more subtlety.
Archaic and ballad and resounds are all awkward words here... they stop the flow. So does starting the beginning of the third stanza with 'This', a set up for a complete sentence - it clashes with the second stanza.
Keep working on it, it has a lot of potential.
Hello!
Okay, first of all, the second stanza is definitely the best. Unfortunately, it doesn't really fit with the other two stanzas. Eep!
So let's look at the first and third stanzas...
Two things. For one, if you want to use the verb "flutter" you might consider having more description after that, pertaining to your fingers and not the keys. For another, the keys glisten... I don't like the verb in this case. Old piano keys, in my experience, don't glisten and, if they're weathered with age, most likely they'll be kind of dull, smudged with fingerprints of everyone who's touch it. And I think that imagery would be more powerful.
Again, showing the age with the dullness of the keys and the smudged fingerprints would be more interesting than the repeated word "yellow," though you can certainly say the word "yellow" for the poem.
Also, "with the color of age" is telling, not showing. Give us a picture of the piano, don't tell us what it looks like.
In this case, I would prefer a metaphor to a simile. There's a couple of reasons for that. This is the ending of a stanza and I believe that you should have a little more punch to the end. Similes, while good in the middle where something doesn't have to be so powerful, are not as powerful as metaphors, which carry more weight. So you might want to shift the order of your images to create a better effect.
Maybe:
I think that might make it a little prettier.
I don't know about this stanza. Though the second stanza is really pretty, it doesn't really have a good conclusion, so that would be a horrible place to end. On the other hand, this stanza is kind of bleh, I think. There are several reasons for this. Instead of showing (you showed the most in the second,) you're telling us that the melodies are played when and then that the melodies are unexpected. But you don't give us really any big punch.
I hate to say this, but I think you might be better at scrapping this stanza and creating another one which ties in the age and rustiness of the piano and the narrator in a less telling way.
Hope that helps!
...oh, and love the avvie.
Oh, I liked it a lot, Mandax. Involves a piano, what's not to like? ^_^
In fact, that only parts where I thought it lacked were the very first and very last lines: "My fingers flutter" and "That are unexpected."
The first line doesn't seem to fit, it sounds dissonent, if you will. Perhaps "My fingers danced"? As for the last line, it didn't seem like a satisfactory ending to such a fine piece - it was weaker than the rest of its stanza.
Perfect, perfect stazna. ^_^ "I'm a little rusty but so is my piano" - it brings to mind a piano tuner once, who tuned my piano grudgingly and then told me it would probably be better if I just burned the thing. ^_~
I'm going to second Tim - not really a brilliant poem, I wasn't captivated by it. The topic was vague like the majority of poem and it didn't quite "work"
didnt like it. sorry, but thats my view. it didnt always flow, i thought the topic was bland, and the imagery didnt work.
the second or third verses didnt work for me at all. the first was ok, it worked alright, but then it went downhill from there
I love poetry but I cant write it. Do you play piano? The end gave me a good feeling. Very Good!!
I can't crit poetry for beans, but I'll tell you the parts I liked.
These were my favorite lines:
And I liked the ending. It's always nice when the ending gives the reader a nice, satisfied, complete feeling.
I liked it 'Manda
It didn't always read nicely, but the poem its self was good.
I don't really have much to say. I'm not in a very good critiquing mood I guess! Maybe if I come back in a while I will have more to say.