The lights on the vanity shone with a powerful but kind glow, softly reflecting off her face’s smooth features. She gently patted blush onto her bare cheeks, accentuating her pale complexion. Her eyelashes were black as coal, lighter than she would have liked. The music box rested near several plastic containers holding many shades of powder, chiming a melody that glided through ones senses. A man and a woman danced upon the box, twirling in perfect grace. Neither of them ever faltered. Their expressions were ones of blissful satisfaction, expressions she had never seen on a human being before. This didn’t occur to her as significant, and she smiled as she glided the gloss over her thin lips. The song the music box played always made her happy.
She wore a rose-colored dress, the ribbon and lace tossed and strewn about in a way that was beautiful yet borderline chaotic. She stood in front of a full-length mirror, criticizing, scrutinizing, and suddenly spinning, ‘round and ‘round, mimicking the dancers in the box. When dizziness took over, she collapsed onto the harsh, wooden floor. She took a few quick breaths and got up again, stumbling at first, and took one last look in the mirror.
She gazed into his eyes over the table adorned with tall, white candles that were steadily burning out. Empty plates littered the tabletop until the waiter came to retrieve them. He had been acting suspiciously all night – reticent and distant.
“Is something wrong?” she finally asked.
“I just- I just think we should have some time apart.”
“Oh?” she asked in a quivering voice.
“I need time to think.”
He provided no further explanation.
She stormed into her apartment, ripping out all of the pins that had held up her blonde locks. She furiously wiped her eyes with the palms of her hands, causing the make-up to smear across her face. Her dress was wrinkled and tattered, along with her newly released hair that whipped about with every spastic motion of her body. Catching sight of the music box, she lifted it and threw it with all of her strength toward the wall. It had broken, but she craved more. She picked it up again, took a few steps back, and flung it toward the same wall. Now it was in pieces. She fell at her bedside and began to sob at the realization that she’d never hear the melodious song again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hmm it was a bit short I would like to have seen a bit more, it was good but i think that this could have been longer and a lot more indepth, i think that everyone beofre me has kind of said what needs to be said so i wont go into details
Make it longer???
Meevs
x
I thought it was too weighed down with adjectives - the only uninhibited action was the dialogue. The other thing I didn't like was the use of too-strong words, particularly superlatives. Examples:
It's too much, you know? Too romantic, not real. It sounds childish and like a beginner. I'd save the strength for the bits you really want to emphasize, because otherwise it loses its effect.
Keep writing!
Intresting, and good.
I like your style; The description in this piece is lovely. However, I'll second Myth's suggestion: Tell the reader more about the music box! This would be improved so much if you told us why the music box is so meaningful to this girl and how it came into her possession.
Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review
*
I feel as if this could do with the ‘ones’.
*
I didn’t really like the beginning. It was as if the whole process of putting on make-up is glamorous, though I did like the description.
You should make the music box more special, was it a gift? Family heirloom? There must be something about it, apart from the music, that makes it all the more symbolic rather than a box with dancers. And she was upset about not hearing the song again so you’ll need to work on that.
I would have liked it to be just a little longer as the dinner scene was too brief, we don’t really know why he wants a break from her.
-- Myth
I'll be honest, It was kind of strange.
I really liked the description a lot. I wish I could write like that!
As a story goes, or even a short story, I didn't particularly care for it. Maybe it was too short. I kind of wanted to know more about this guy and the scene at the restaurant.
You described her dress as "wrinkled at tattered." How did her dress become tattered? I didn't think that much time had passed between the second and third paragraphs.
Overall, I think you wrote it very well.
I like the initial idea behind this all, but there are parts that could use some tweaking.
The image of the music box is strong, and I would like to see more of it. I woud especially like to see a few more details about it woven in through the story--maybe even during the dialogue? It could possibly be effective. I also could use a bit more about the state of the box after she throws it...I don't feel like there is quite enough impact made. You sort of gloss over how it is broken than getting to the core of the whole issue, especially since you are using it somewhat metephorically. Try to expand.
I'm not a big fan of the beginning:
It's too much blatant expositioning. Try to weave these details in rather than coming right out and stating them. "Smooth features," "pale complexion," and "eyelashes black as coal" are interesting details, but you sort of slap your reader in the face with them. I would tinker around with it a bit and see if you can work them in another way.
Overall, I think you have some strong writing here, but I know it could be even better. Good job.
Nnyeg. Not my favorite.
"The lights on the vanity shone with a powerful but kind glow, softly reflecting off her face’s smooth features."
Light cannot be 'kind' in the same way that a floor cannot be 'harsh.' You're personifying inatimate objects which can be good but can also be done badly, and this was bad.
Also, instead of 'off' her smooth features, say 'off of."
On the whole I didn't care for it, but the writing was fairly eloquent. Keep writing!
I like this piece a lot!
I would love if you wrote more, but I think there was a few too many she did this and she did that's in there
It's an alright piece. Not much action or adventure but...it's alright. You could put some more length into it.
this is really good! I really liked the vocab; I hate things with boring words!