I mourn for morning's past
the bright stillness as dawn breaks
the brisk windless air
the feeling of cold weathered wood beneath my bare feet
I used to watch as the sun slid across the sky
I used to watch the water rripple with quiet birds
reeds dipped awkwardly by the water
dew still clung to the grass as I held my breath
willing time to stop
willing the night to stay
the sun to slow
willing the birds to still
Life sounds
dissonant against the still wind
This beauty I cling to now
lost in a world where I cannot find the power to will time to stop
so I wander, my heart forever aching
as I stumble into the noisless darkness
hoping for dawn to break
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there! Cailey here for a review on this fine Review Day.
Nice job. You did a wonderful job of expressing the narrator's desire and longing for morning, or for how things were. I like how the whole time you left me wondering if morning would come after all, or if the person would give up hope. And then in the end the poet didn't lose up, but didn't quite get what they wanted. I really liked that.
I know this is a poem, and you can do whatever you want with poetry. But I was bothered by the lack of punctuation. Obviously you do not need to add any, but in my opinion punctuation might help. Also, you have some words with capital letters, but I could not find any special pattern or any idea of why Life and This were capital and the rest weren't. Any reason? Because if not you should fine one, or capitalize them all, or none of them.
Also, I would suggest maybe breaking this into two stanzas. It seems like you went from thinking about the past to being more in the present. Maybe add a break between the switch?
Anyway, I think that's all I have for you today. This was good! If you have any questions or comments feel free to shoot me a PM or write on my wall.
As always, keep writing!
Hey, HT here to review.
This was very beautiful, and wonderfully written. The only thing that I really have to mention is your lack of punctuation. I think that by adding a few periods and commas you can clean this up a little and make it even better than it already is.
Currently in the entire poem you have one punctuation mark:
It's a little awkward to have no punctuation throughout the work and then have one mark right towards the end.
If you prefer not to use punctuation, as some writers do, then I think that you should remove it. Otherwise, I would suggest that you add more.
Peace,
HT
Hello Malinda! Alpha here to review your poem.
You mentioned in the description that this is a nostalgic poem. It sure is, heh >< I wish you left that out from the description, though, so that the readers work it out by themselves. That way they can work out the emotion from the pictures that the verses paint. I do love the inconsistency of the lines' length (I'm starting to appreciate free-verses more and more these days) cos it lends a sense of inner turmoil.
As for your use of grammar/style... It's a bit questionable. There are no full-stops, no commas, ghis just reads as two long sentences. Why two? Because you wrote the word 'life' in 'Life sounds' with a capital letter. Yet there's no full stops in the sentence before. So you could either:
1) add commas/full-stops/breaks as necessary to clear up how the flow gows
2) keep it break-free (the way it is)- just make sure to change 'Life' to 'life'. This way it shows some urgency
Nitpicks:
1) "I used to watch the water rripple" ---> ripple
2) um, that's it for nitpicks haw haw ^^
3) Beautiful verses:
"willing time to stop
willing the night to stay
the sun to slow
willing the birds to still"
.... Although the use of the word 'still' again in the next verse was a bit out of place. A change of words, mayhap?
Aaaan that's all I have to say.
Keep on writing! Cheers,
Alpha
PS this was written on my mobile phone so I sincerely apologize for any mistakes. xo