E - Everyone

The magic seal- Prologue

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Prologue

Alice could feel him through the air. She could hear the
shallow rapid breaths carrying across the wind. Her pale face twisted with
exhaustion, silver hair easily falling out of her ponytail and flowing onto her
face. Clothes torn in numerous places; exposing her pale flesh along her legs
and back, she quickly rolled behind the cover of the building. He has got to attack sometime soon, Alice
thought
. She attempted to hide her presence, but she needed to cast a
protective calling to aid her. She took the stance of the north mark, hands
twisted in an irregular angle. “By the light of the moon, I call upon the north
wind to come to my aid!” Alice whispered to herself, a shield forming in her
hand. “And please hide my presence!” Now she felt him running, not away but
towards her. Shit, this always happens; am
I honestly this bad at hiding my presence? She thought to herself. Oh well, may
as well stop trying to hide now. I will scold myself about this later.
She
came out of her hiding place and saw for the first time the Hunter chasing her.
His brilliant red hair was like a blazing inferno atop his head, the moonlight
hitting it and illuminating his face. His dull red jacket resting on his
shoulders as he casually walked towards her; his brown clothing hugging tight
around his body, defining all the muscles under the clothes.

“Little girl, all of the huntsman around this forsaken
planet know that the winds is a lost magic!” the huntsman shouted, words of
power forming on his lips. “SANAFERSTALKER!”
He shouted, flames forming in his
hands. “In the power of the sun…”

Crap, he is a sun worshiper, this is bad,
Alice thought to herself.

“...I call upon the flames of the core to
come to assist me!” he shouted, words of power flowing into the ground. At the
moment he finished speaking, flames burst forth from the ground, covering him
with an armour of flames, hints of the
ancient magic of menace floating in the air around him.

Alice saw him start to get something out of his pocket,
and immediately she realized what it was. His magic seal. “No don’t get that
out!” she said quickly, forming a plan in her head. I need to outsmart him, but this won’t be easy. “Do you really
want to end this quickly? I was just beginning to have some fun.” Alice yelled
across to the Hunter, sarcasm hinted in her voice.

“Oh young one, so you understand what this is? Well of
course you do, or well I hope so or this will be no fun!” the Hunter said. In
quick succession, he pulled the seal out of his pocket and put it in the hand sign
of the flame. “I really wish we could have got to know each other, you are such
a cutie.”

“Oh just shush already and try to kill me,” Alice sighed,
lazily putting herself into the stance of protection, feet spread wide apart
and hands cocked in front of her.

“Oh if you must insist….” said the Hunter. He started to
mumble words, one after the other, until it seemed he was saying one huge word.
“Jasentuyinutpollireainet…” When he was finished, he lifted his right hand to
her, his other hand grasping at the vein on his right hand, which had turned a
bright shade of orange. “This is it for you girlie!”

“Oh just try me,” Alice mocked.

“Here it comes,”

“Bring it,”

A huge amount of magical power came flowing out of his
hands, destroying the gloves covering them. Alice glimpsed the seal in his
armour where a circle had appeared for him to place it into. Alice screamed the
words of protection, and just in time as a huge tidal wave of energy like a
frenzy of wild dogs came crashing down onto her shield. Everywhere cracks
appeared on her shield. But it held. Alice enlarged the shield, enough for her
to be able to stand. Alice pulled out her sword that she had created, and faced
east. “In the name of the sky, I ask that you lend me the powers of the gods to
allow me to defeat this bumbling baboon!” Her sword gave off a bright shade of blue,
and then duplicated itself. Alice crossed the swords in front of her and
started chanting.

“DIE!!!” screamed the Hunter. “NO ONE CAN ESCAPE THE FULL
MASS OF MY MAGIC SEAL!”

“Oh but there you would be wrong. You see, I know how you
would lose in an instant. All I have to do it use my magic seal and it is all
over,” Alice explained to the Hunter.

“But you are too young to have one. I know you’re
bluffing!”

“Ah it seems you caught on,” she said. “Well then lets
end this quickly before you start to overpower Me.” said Alice cheerfully. Alice
then used the winds to propel herself towards the Hunter and in an instant
there were clashes of metal left and right, the battle hardly even seen. Alice
threw both her swords at the Hunter, but the Hunter just casually threw them
out of the air with a flick of his wrist, and at the same time throwing Alice
of guard and threw her to the ground with another flick of his wrist.

She tried to gather her wind under her to send herself
soaring upward. But the hunter caught on quickly and with a quick stance of
sealing the earth under her engulfed her legs as she got up. She cursed, and
sent the winds rushing down her body and destroyed her bonds. Just as soon as
she had done this, the hunter had recoiled and swung his arms forward, chanted
the fire burst spell and a large fireball was hurtled towards her. Turning
around, she clapped her hands together, dispersing the fireball with a gush of
wind. She once again tried to call upon the wind to sail her upwards, but this
Hunters magic was too strong, and her wind calling failed. Ducking to the side
she ran down the street, trying to escape the Hunter once more. As she turned
the corner she spotted a park and immediately ran for it. At least now I can call on the elements out here more freely then on
the streets.
She turned and took the stance of the wind. Alice looked at
street she had just run down, and saw the Hunter racing around the corner.

Alice spread her arms out and chanted, “Mighty wind, gather in front of me and slice
through my opponent!”
A large gust of wind blew across the park and started
to swirl around Alice. Wind started to gather in Alice’s hands, in great
quantity and magnitude that it was beginning to turn white. “WIND BLADE CALLING!” Alice slammed her
hands together and a huge burst of power burst forth from her hand, turning
into a large curved blade and hurtled toward the Hunter. Swearing, the Hunter
took defensive position and summoned forth a barrier of lightning to block the
blade of wind.

“I hope you make this more interesting for me, and your
death might be quick and painless,”

“Oh isn’t that a sweet offer. I will be sure to give you
an answer while I am standing over your dead corpse!”

“Why you insolent little wench! Watch your mouth girly
before I blast it from your face!” The Hunter sent the lightning he still had
in front of him and threw it straight at Alice. She brought her hands up in
front of her, sending a rush of wind to meet the lighting. When the two
elements collided, a huge blast of energy sent the two of them flying
backwards. Alice screamed, slamming into a tree; winding her, her vision
faltering. The Hunter gathered the earth behind him; stopping him from flying
any further, but winding him as well. Both fell to their knees, slowly catching
their breath once again.

The Hunter was the first to his feet, gathering a large
ball of lighting and fire in his hand. “I have had fun to be honest with you,
but I am kinda in a hurry, so be gone!” And with that he threw the ball of
frenzy towards Alice. She reacted at the last second, calling on the earth and
sending a huge wall rushing out of the ground to protect her.

Slowly he stalked over the great wall that Alice had just
called. He lashed out his leg, fire bursting forth from his foot and bursting
through the wall. He stepped through the hole in the wall ready to fight to
find nothing but… rubble. “Where in the Sun’s name did she go?”

“Behind you,” Alice cleaved through the air toward him,
brandishing a small dagger. The Hunter spun around, his magic seal in front of
him. But she was gone once again.

The Hunter yelled, and let a burst of fire off all around
him. “That’s it girly; I have had enough of this disappearing act! If there were fire, let it explode. If it
were to explode, let it cause destruction.
I call upon the Sun and the core
now to assist me! Explode around me and destroy my enemies, NOW!” Columns of
fire ignited out of nowhere and started to swirl around the Hunter, forming a
twister of fire around him. “If it were a
sword, allow me to grasp it. If I were to grasp it, would it destroy me? Fire,
fire, in the name of My Lord Hydra, allow me to control your fury!”
His
voice echoing around the clearing - the fire scattering off with his voice -
the Hunter stood with his head bowed. Slowly he raised his head showing his
eyes, but to see nothing but a pit of blackness. “FURY!” he shouted, his voice
once again echoing off into the clearing. But this time the echoes came back,
and so did the flames. The flames rushed forth to the Hunter, and entered his
body. The fire took control of his body, lifting it up into the air and
twisting his limbs as the Hunter fought for control over the calling. He
started to speak, but instead of his own voice, another voice came out if his
mouth; it was deeper and it sent chills down Alice’s spine from where she was
hiding in the bush about a hundred metres away.

Foolish mortal,
you may think you can hide; but you will need to rethink your strategy. For I
can feel you, for the heat you are giving off is enough for me to sense your
presence. I shall leave a portion of this power you feel with this kiakate; in
hopes he will crush you off this planet!”

The Hunter’s body collapsed onto the ground, and he was
still. Alice sprang out of her hiding place and raced towards the body. This is my chance, I have maybe three more
seconds before he wakes up and this is all over for me!
Alice swore, and
put on another burst of speed. She reached the Hunter’s body and swung her arm
downwards towards the Hunters soul carrier and… she screamed as she was flung
back from the force of his magic seal. The body of the Hunter slowly righted
itself, cracks of his bones and the snaps of his muscles could be heard throughout
the clearing of the park. Alice threw herself behind a tree next to her,
pressed her back against the tree; and entered the tree.

The tree sprang free from the ground, its roots flying
around and whipping anything in their path. The tree turned, and spotted the
Hunter. Roots raced towards the Hunter, reaching forth to grasp hold of him. Throwing
himself to the left, the Hunter rolled and landed on his feet, calling fire balls
and throwing them at the tree like a madman so he wasn’t captured in the tree’s
earthy roots. Despite the ferocious fire callings, the tree’s roots still
slithered along the ground towards him. Cursing quite audibly, he sent a wave
of fire towards the roots slithering towards him, yelling instructions to the
fire calling. The tree could only pick up snippets of what he was yelling at
the fire. “….destroy it you stupid fire! Not the roots I can handle them……
now!” The fire finally understood its orders and raced towards the trunk of the
tree; its heart. All the fire started to twist together, until it formed a
large spear spinning wildly towards the trunk. There was no way that the tree
was going to be able to dodge the attack, as trees were not meant to be
graceful, but to hold their ground against attacks. Its roots raced back to the
trunk of the tree to protect it, but they were too slow. As the roots reached
the trunk, the spear of wild fire had already pieced the trunk of the fire,
shards of wood spraying everywhere. The spear of fire disappeared, and the tree
stopped moving. Then the tree caught fire.

Alice screamed and was thrown out of the tree, losing
contact with the calling she had used. The power of the blast of the fire sent
her flying for over a hundred metres. She slammed into the public toilet’s wall
and slumped down, feeling nothing but pain. This
is bad, worse than I had first expected, she thought to herself. I’m going to
have to use that spell.
Grunting, she started to get up; crying out
whenever she moved her back. Eventually she was able to right herself, taking
the position of healing. Crying out she called out to the healing powers
located within herself; brining it forth to heal her wounds. She was covered in
a light aura of green and gold, slowly closing all her wounds over her body.
When the aura hit the large wound on her back she gasped out as the ghastly
wound on her back was closed by the aura. Once all the wounds had stopped
bleeding on her body, the aura dissipated. Alice fell to the ground, gasping
with the effort of healing her body. She quickly jerked her head up, searching
the park for the Hunter. At first she couldn’t see him, but as her vision
focused, she saw him; striding straight towards her. Laughing, a sword of fire
appeared in his hands.

“I would just like
to tell you two things Hunter,” Alice remarked, once again grunting with the
effort of standing up. “One, is that there is still some fight in me and there
is no way you can beat ME, and two, that this battle will be over in 3
minutes,”

“Right girly, just stay still so I can blast you of this
godforsaken pl…,” he said, cutting off as he noticed Alice moving into an
attacking stance. “What do you think you are doing girly? You CAN’T WIN!”

“Oh can’t I? If it
were fire, would it explode? If it were earth, would it hold its ground? If it
were water, would it slip past its opponent unnoticed? But if it were to have
essence of healing, would it save a life? Or would it take the opposite and destroy
one? MOONSTALKER!”
Alice screamed at the moon, the moonlight gathering in
her hands, winds swirling around her, a new sword appeared, but this one kept growing
larger and brighter, a bright silver aura covering her small body.

“You can’t be part of the long lost Ancient clan!” the
huntsmen shouted at Alice, falling over a tree root as he attempted to run away
from the powerful aura Alice was now giving off.

“Oh but you guess right, I’m not, I am but a humble
servant of the feared Moon`
clan, protector of the Queen’s Heart!” Alice shouted at him.

“I saw their kingdom fall!” he screamed at Alice,
scrambling back.

“Bad idea running away from this spell,” Alice said,
swinging the sword. A red diamond appeared around the Hunter, immediately
trapping him in a diamond of light. The hunter threw his fire at the diamond,
giving it all he had, but his efforts were in vain. With each hit the diamond
took, the smaller it got. The hunter screamed words of power, making the
diamond shrink indefinitely faster than before.

“Little girl, this has marked the end of you! My fellow
hunters will come after you. YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE!” The hunter shouted at her.

“Oh just die already,” Alice said, swinging her sword. With
that gesture, a grim reaper appeared above the diamond and the hunter. The grim
reaper, as black as night, looked at the Hunter and immediately swung his
scythe, slicing through the Hunter as if he was water. His flames engulfed the
two halves of him left and the diamond. Then the grim reaper and diamond disappeared,
but the revolting remains of the hunter remained. “Well, back to the castle I
suppose,” Alice sighed, walking away, the remains of the hunter now just ash
floating in the wind.

Comments & reviews · 2
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KnightTeen
Review

Prologue


It's already mentioned that this is the prologue in the title of the piece, you don't need to mention it twice.

The only thing that I really have a problem with is your formatting. This isn't a poem, it's a story, and you are in desperate need of some paragraphs. Not just for the general appearance, but to cut down on length. The prologue really isn't that long, but because of the extra space between lines it feels much longer than it actually is.

Alice could feel him through the air. She could hear the shallow rapid breaths carrying across the wind. Her pale face twisted with exhaustion, silver hair easily falling out of her ponytail and flowing onto her face. Clothes torn in numerous places; exposing her pale flesh along her legs and back, she quickly rolled behind the cover of the building.


See? Major loss of unneeded length.


He has got to attack sometime soon, Alice thought.


Thoughts are represented by italics.

He has got to attack sometime soon, Alice thought.



Shit, this always happens; am I honestly this bad at hiding my presence? She thought to herself. Oh well, may as well stop trying to hide now. I will scold myself about this later.


Thoughts here again. Also, with the language you used here you should give this piece a rating. My advice is to rate it twelve with a language warning.





Crying out she called out to the healing powers

located within herself; brining it forth to heal her wounds.


I think that you meant 'bringing' here.



Honestly, there were very few grammar mistakes and they were all clearly typos. You wrote this very well, and I only have two complaints.

One, the formatting, which I already talked about.

And two, I had no idea what the heck was going on. I mean, I knew there was Alice and she was fighting the Hunter and they were both obviously magical or supernatural, but beyond that I'm at a total blank. What's all this stuff about calling on the Moon, Sun, wind, earth, and fire? Are they speaking spells? And on to the really important question: what are they exactly?

I enjoyed reading this, I just didn't understand a large portion of what I was reading.

Overall, good job.

Hi there! Rosie here for a review.
I'm going t. Critique three major things during my review. First, I will talk about grammar and format. Second, I will talk about content. Third, I will give you suggestions. Let's get started.

Alright, so first I'm going to go over format. I don't know if it was just the posting format or not, but something is definitely going on with it. The strange spacing and breaks made it a little choppy for me to read. I think it would've been easier to follow if there were paragraphs instead. But that's just me. I didn't find any grammar mistakes that I can remember.

Let's talk about content. Your story is interesting, for sure. But I don't know anything about your characters. I wasn't able to connect with them, or get into their heads. I wasn't given a reason to care about them. A prologue is supposed to give you a glimpse at what you're about to read, and I felt like I was getting the whole story in one go. The whole element thing is very fascinating to me, and a very unique idea. But I'm just confused. Why are your characters fighting? How did they get their powers? Is there a limit to how much they can do? Where are your characters? Where do they come from, and where are they going?

Now for suggestions. I think if you shorten it a little, it'd feel more like a prologue. Give us a reason to connect with your characters, and a reason to care. I think with a little work, this could be a really cool piece.

Best of luck to you!
-Rosie

Thanks for the constructive review Rosie! I appreciate you reading this. I would actually like to mention that the posting format chucked a spaz when it posted, but the original does have paragraphs and correct grammar in it.
And as I read through it again, I realised that I did miss out on some crucial details needed in a prologue. This originally started out as just a random short story and I did a lot to try to make it a prologue, but as I can now tell I did not do a good job. I will actually attempt to rewrite this piece and make it seem more like a prologue.
I that you again for you constructive criticism and I will implement your suggestions into it. I hope that I can change this into a proper prologue, and I thank you for helping me out.
With Regards,
Phil



Morning without you is a dwindled dawn.
— Emily Dickenson