1) In the Maasai culture when a boy leaves boyhood he enters the warrior class. He is supposed to be brave enough to spear a lion. If he grabs it’s tail he is awarded with honor from his tribe.
2) Shaboy is the youngest of 4 brothers. All of his brothers had one special skill but he did not know his special skill.
3) There was Losoy the oldest of the brothers. He was known for his strong skills. One time he picked up a cow with one hand.
4) Next it was Nolo he was the second oldest. He was known for his speed. One time he ran faster than a cheetah.
5) The second to youngest was Kumba. He was known for hunting. One night he brought home 3 buffalo’s.
6) The ceremony for the warriors was coming up and it was the first time Shaboy was entering. He really wanted to win since no one really knew what his skill was.
7) He tried for days to find out what may be his skill if it was being strong, hunting or speed. He had no luck.
8) It was the night before the big ceremony and he was nervous that he would get laughed at by everyone.
9) It was the day of the big ceremony. Everyone was excited to see who would be named warrior of the tribe.
10) A lot of other boys went first but no one was willing to grab the tail of the lion.
11) It was Losoy’s turn Shaboy had a feeling he would touch the tail. Shaboy was surprised when he did not. His special skill of being strong did not help.
12) Next it was Nolo. Shaboy knew he would be able to touch the tail with his speed. He was surprised when he did not.
13) Kumba’s turn came. Shaboy knew if the others didn't he would be able to touch the tail. Shockingly his hunting skill did not come through today.
14) Finally it was Shaboy’s turn as he got ready to chase after the tail of the lion he focused his eyes on the tail. Next thing he knew he was running super fast after the tail, He was so strong that when his hand grab the tail he couldn't believe it ….
15. Shaboy became the first youngest warrior from the Maasai tribe and he finally found out his special skill it was hunting, speed, and the skill of being strong all put together. Most importantly the best skill he had was that Shaboy never gave up.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! Storybraniac here to review on this wonderful review day. I really liked the way you put Maasai history in a short story. I don't really know much about them ( but I know another culture just like them). But there are a few nitpicks I'd like to point out to you.
2)
3)
Could probably change it to
4)
Could change it to
5)
Commas and plural problem.
7)
Could probably change to
11)
Full stop needed after turn.
14) and 15)
There are some full stops needed. You'll find it if you read again.
It was a really good short story And I really liked the way you turned it into point form. So a like from me.
-Storybraniac.
Hey! IamTraunt here!
Just to help with alterations:
Paragraph 1:
Would sound more accurate.
Paragraph 2:
Comma needed.
Paragraph 3:
Would sound more accurate if you put:
Paragraph 4:
Should be:
Paragraph 5:
You don't need the " ' "
Paragraph 6:
These were just some little grammatical things you can easily change!
Keep on writing
Not the usual style of writing that is so commonly seen here, but entertaining nonetheless. The facts, while not very detailed, did provide enough information to carry the reader onto the next one. With the style used, you gave enough information to let the reader fill in the gaps and envision his/her own version of what the story would look like. My only complaint was the statement earlier about how while their was enough detail to carry the reader, a little bit more would have also been appreciated. Regardless, it's still well written and organized. Perhaps you could write your own version of this tale instead of summarizing it.
Hmmm. ..I wonder if I should call this a narration.
well, I'm a sucker for strange literal styles and im impressed with yours. There were some grammar mishaps, simply corrected by better proofreading. I liked the story. It was simple but had some sort of edge, I can't quite put my finger on it. Must be the numbering technique, it made wonder what you were up to. Haha. I must say, being Kenyan , I'm super curious as to why you write about the Maasai. Anyway, I just love the boldness in the style of this piece. 