Okay. So I had to do this for school, some time ago, and when I was looking around in my room I suddenly found it. It was my first real piece of writing, the first thing that I actually enjoyed doing. It's cliché , and the topic is not very interesting, but please review and tell me what you think. If this looks familiar, Its because it's unedited version has been posted before, a year ago, using my old account. I deleted it though, it shouldn't be on YWS anymore. It's a little devoid of emotion during the scene, and the 'me' in this story isn't doing anything at all(any suggestions on countering that?). As my first attempt though, I'm happy with it. Hope you enjoy reading, and rip it apart!
Hey! Forever here with a review!!
Huh, this was indeed a realistic piece out there. You actually managed to put forward a very realistic work. It was seeing a very common incident in another light. Anyway, let's get into the review now.
First and foremost, the screech. I think that you don't need quotation marks around screech. Without quotation marks too, it sounds pretty decent. Adding quotation marks actually add an effect which I caan't quite explain.
Your descriptions were awesome. It was like I could vividly see the scene appearing in front of me.
Scrap metal carpeted the length of the road, dotted here and there with shards of glass.
I really liked the use of the word "carpeted" here. It added a lot to the scene here. Great imagination, I would say.
One thing which I do feel is about the description is the injuries done to the drivers. Like it's honestly pretty much impossible that the whole car was broken down and then the driver was inside the car and didn't get injured at all. It's kind of very contradictory. Also, I think you could add a bit of more sound here. Like the shattering of glass and then how the crowd caused chaos and then it was difficult for the ambulance and poolice officers to go through the crowd. These little descriptions can be added.
Another thing which I missed is the intense feeling. Like when you told that the character was not being able to forget it, you have the chance to add a lot of feelings and spark emotion in the unemotional readers. In these type of stories, I think adding feelings is a necessary part. I liked the last line though. The narrator there was the perfect representation of the people who ignore certain circumstances and for them people don't get helped. Though they understood that it was required and they kind of knew what happened, they subtly avoided it. That's quite sad, to be honest.
But again, I am a bit confused about the eye witness thing. Do we generally call for eye-witness in these accidents? Perhaps not. I am not sure about this though, maybe we live in different places with different rules. Overall, a didactic story and a good one too.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
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Reviews: 701
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