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16+ Language Mature Content

Not finished

by makenna900


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

So this is a short story I'm working on and i really need to know if its any good or not! Thanks to those who help me; I'm new to this!

Chapter 1

It All Came Back

"Hey man! Whats up?!"

Jasper ran up the crowded hallway and slapped me on the back. He was the caption of the boys ice hockey team at our school; all the teenage boys wanted to be him and all the girls wanted to date him. Jasper was well built, had straw blonde hair that was always all over the place, and a smile that could win awards. Honestly, even I was jealous of him.

"Nothin', just got out of Physics." I said.

Of course, I was the exact opposite of Jasper. I had never laced up a skate in my life, I'm quite scrawny, and I get 95s in all my classes besides, of course, physical education.

"Got any plans for the weekend?" Jasper said. I could tell that he already made plans for us.

"Well, I have an advanced math test on Monday so I doubt I'll being doing much other than studying."

"Aw, c'mon Clarke! The game is coming on Saturday at 7, a bunch of the guys are coming over to watch the Montreal Canadians slaughter the Boston Bruins! Aurora will be there." He said the last part with a smirk. He knew that I had been crushing on Aurora ever since the tenth grade. I obviously couldn't turn down his offer now. All though I don't play much hockey (or any at all) I love watching it. Jasper cheered for the Canadians while I, even though I'm Canadian, cheer for the Bruins.

"Fine, I'll drop over for a while but just until the game is over."

"Awesome, see you then"

Jasper and I had been best friends for some time now. All though we've had our fights, we always seem to get through it. Many people say we are an odd pair, him being the typical jock and me being the typical nerd and all. Jasper has had more girlfriends then I can count while I have had only one. Her name was Penelope and we dated for a year and 3 months when I found out she had cheated on me with some douche whom is two years younger than me. I had never really gotten over her fully, a year is a long time. We had spent every waking minute together, it still hurts to talk about. But anyways, as I was saying Jasper and I are completely different in so many ways. He couldn't care less about his grades; all he really cared about was sports, girls and partying. I, on the other hand, have the best marks in my class, and despise playing any kind of sport. We are infact an odd pair but we make it work and this is going to sound sappy but he is the best buddy I could ever ask for.

Chapter 2

The next day, I studied until 6 o'clock, only stopping for dinner and supper. I was exhausted and it felt like my head was going to explode. I plopped down in bed, ready for a nap when sudden realization flooded through me. I have to get ready to go to Jaspers! I threw on a blue plaid shirt that brings out the blue in my eyes and a pair of khakis and was off. My long, curly, black hair was all over the place. After the 15 minute car ride to Jaspers, and an aggravating 4 minutes of trying to fix the mop of hair on my head, it was 6:58. I rushed through the door and immediately seen Aurora. God, she was so beautiful. Her long, light brown hair was falling softly across her petite shoulders, her green eyes were fixated on the screen. I swear, whenever she smiles the entire room lights up.

"Clarke?" Jasper said

"Oh! Hello, sorry."

"Are you goin' to sit down or continue to stare at Aurora like a goof?"

Damn it! I did it again, whenever I'm around her I can't seem to take my eyes off of her. Someone always notices, and I always make a fool of myself. I bet she thinks I'm a creep. I sat in a chair beside the couch and notice the Bruins are winning, 1-0.

After the first two periods are over, I decide to head into the kitchen to grab a Coke. As soon as I go around the corner I see Aurora and Jasper. His lips were locked with hers. One of Jaspers hands were in her hair while the other was sliding down to her ass. I stood frozen, unable to move. I needed to get out. I ran out the door and slammed it as I left the house. I just need to go home and cool down, I thought. My hands were shaking so much that I could hardly drive. Jasper can get any girl he wants yet he had to choose the girl I had wanted since the tenth fucking grade. I can't believe him!

When I finally got home, I rushed to my room and slammed the door. Suicidal thoughts rushed through my head; I've had depression and was suicidal since I was 14. Every time things start to get better, something happens to screw everything up. I've been clean from self harm for a year and 2 months, but today I think I might just pick up that blade again. I searched through my sock drawer to find one of my old razor blades. Am I really going to do this just because of a stupid girl? Am I really going to throw all of my hard work away just because of this dumb fucking girl? Yes. The pain is just unbearable and I can't do this anymore, I can't feel like this anymore. I need to get away. I pushed the blade to my wrist, then threw it across the room. Its not worth it. I just need to calm down. Everything will be fine, everything will be okay. I repeated this to myself until the thoughts went away.

Chapter 3

After a few hours of sleep I woke up and immediately picked up a bottle of tequila. All though I'm only 17, my parents don't care if I drink so they buy alcohol for me. By the time I chugged half the bottle, I was completely wasted. So, I lid down in bed and decided to listen to some good ol' Rock and Roll. I fell asleep listening to Heavens On Fire by Kiss and woke up to a loud buzzing sound. I reached over and grabbed my phone; It was Jasper. Without hesitation, I hung up the phone and lid back in bed. He kept calling me continuously so I turned off the device and took another nap. Maybe I can sleep the pain away.

By the time I woke up it was 6:30. I still have that advanced math test tomorrow so as much as I dreaded studying, I picked up my notes and started reviewing everything in the chapter. After an hour of torture, I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to bed and barely slept for the rest of the night. I had this awful dream that Aurora got shot and I could have saved her but I never. She looked so scared and alone and I could have saved her but I didn't. I just stood there and watched her get shot by this awful man in a black suit.

The following week was incredibly awful. I don't have many friends, and I am still very upset at Jasper so I spent most of my time reading, drinking, smoking pot and writing poetry about how lonely I truly am. Christmas break starts tomorrow and honestly, I wish it was seven weeks away. School is the only thing keeping me from doing something awful to myself or others. I've always been lonely, but never quite as lonely as I am right now. Theres a deep sorrow building up in my stomach and I'm on the verge of tears every minute. Jasper has tried to talk to me multiple times over the past few days but I just can't talk to him, not yet. Maybe I will forgive him in time but for now, I will keep ignoring him and pretending like he doesn't exist.

Chapter 4

A week and 4 days later, its New Years eve. Nothing has gotten much better. I still haven't talked to Jasper, and my parents are starting to question my gloominess. They often barge into my room and try to talk to me but the last thing I want to do is talk to my parents about this issue of mine. They'd just tell me to forgive him and move on. After all it is only a stupid girl, right? No, Aurora's more than that. She's so kind and caring. I've watched her help out at the food bank, seen her giving to the poor and even dressed in ragged clothes picking up trash; even then she was breathtakingly gorgeous. Now, I'm am not saying she is perfect, for everyone has flaws. There are rumours that her mother abandoned her when she was young and that her dads a drunk. I feel sorry for her, someone as great as her shouldn't have to put up with such pain.

Jaspers birthday is coming up soon, the 3rd of January actually. He is by far the eldest in the class but definitely not the wisest. Once he mixed tequila with beer; lets just say he was not in the best condition. And guess who had to clean up his vomit, never again. God, I really miss him. All though he may be a douche, and a complete moron at times, he's still my closet friend. I may consider forgiving him in time, but right now I'm just not ready.

Cutting off my train of thought, I feel a vibration coming from my ass pocket. Speak of the devil, its Jasper. I guess I should hear him out, after all thats what I would want him to do if it were me trying to apologize. I tap the green answer button and bluntly say, "Hello."

"Thank God, you finally answered!", he exclaimed.

"Make it quick, Jasper. I'm not in the mood for chit-chat."

"Man, you totally have to come to my party tonight, I'll talk to you there. Please give me another chance.", He pauses, "I promise I won't fuck it up this time."

I exhale and say, "Fine, but if you aren't convincing enough I'm not talking to you for another 2 months."

"Thank-you, Clarke. Party is at my house, 11 o'clock. I'll talk to you there, bye."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and wondered what I had gotten myself into. Jaspers parties were alway huge, never just a little get together. The entire graduating class was invited and whoever else wanted to come, I suspected. Of course, Jaspers parents were rich and had a huge house, never seen that one coming. The last party Jasper had turned into a disaster. Someone had banged another guys woman, and there was a huge fight. One guy lost a finger, the other came out with a broken arm. Undoubtedly the cops were called and everyone fled the scene. Jaspers parents payed a huge fine but they were pretty calm about it. I guess that they understand that these things happen. Even though they are understanding I can't see them allowing him to have another house party. They are most definitely out of town for business or on a vacation. I couldn't help but wonder what was going to go wrong this time.


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139 Reviews


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Reviews: 139

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Wed Nov 11, 2015 4:46 pm
Biluata wrote a review...



Hello there! Luata here for a review and for once, it is going to be grammar based, so I apologize ahead of time for my nitpicks, which tend to annoy some people, but please, bear with me.

"Hey man! Whats up?!"

I do believe it would be "What's up?"

Of course, I was the exact opposite of Jasper. I had never laced up a skate in my life, I'm quite scrawny, and I get 95s in all my classes besides, of course, physical education.

This sentence overall is a bit rough. Allow me to rewrite it for you. I was the exact opposite of Jasper as I had never laced up a skate in my life, being quite scrawny and getting 95s in every class but physical education.

"Awesome, see you then"

Please! Punctuation!

Jasper and I had been best friends for some time now. All though we've had our fights, we always seem to get through it. Many people say we are an odd pair, him being the typical jock and me being the typical nerd and all. Jasper has had more girlfriends then I can count while I have had only one. Her name was Penelope and we dated for a year and 3 months when I found out she had cheated on me with some douche whom is two years younger than me. I had never really gotten over her fully, a year is a long time. We had spent every waking minute together, it still hurts to talk about. But anyways, as I was saying Jasper and I are completely different in so many ways. He couldn't care less about his grades; all he really cared about was sports, girls and partying. I, on the other hand, have the best marks in my class, and despise playing any kind of sport. We are in fact an odd pair but we make it work and this is going to sound sappy but he is the best buddy I could ever ask for.

While this large block of text may be a bit bothersome, it could use some rewriting, so once more, please, allow me to rewrite. Just a reminder, these suggestions are up to be taken or left, they are just recommendations. I would rewrite like this: Jasper and I had been friends for some time and although we've had our odd fights we always pull through. People call us an odd pair and maybe we are. He cares nothing for grades but adores sports, girls, and partying whereas I, on the other hand, despise any sport playing but have top marks in my classes. He's had more girlfriends then I can count while I've only had one. Her name was Penelope and we were happy for the year and three months we were together before I found out she was cheating on me with some douche two years younger than I. It still hurts to talk about it. But somehow, Jasper and I still stuck it out and as cheesy as it sounds, he's the best buddy I could ever ask for.

When I finally got home, I rushed to my room and slammed the door. Suicidal thoughts rushed through my head; I've had depression and was suicidal since I was 14. Every time things start to get better, something happens to screw everything up. I've been clean from self harm for a year and 2 months, but today I think I might just pick up that blade again. I searched through my sock drawer to find one of my old razor blades. Am I really going to do this just because of a stupid girl? Am I really going to throw all of my hard work away just because of this dumb fucking girl? Yes. The pain is just unbearable and I can't do this anymore, I can't feel like this anymore. I need to get away. I pushed the blade to my wrist, then threw it across the room. Its not worth it. I just need to calm down. Everything will be fine, everything will be okay. I repeated this to myself until the thoughts went away.

This entire section of text needs edited, at the risk of being blunt. The emotion you are trying to convey comes out a bit cheesy, almost like a parody of actual self harm. I would recommend some heavy editing, something that I can't really give you in this one review, but if you would like some help with heavy editing, pm me, okay?

I had this awful dream that Aurora got shot and I could have saved her but I never. She looked so scared and alone and I could have saved her but I didn't. I just stood there and watched her get shot by this awful man in a black suit.

Once more, this is a good attempt at showing the feeling that you want to show but it isn't quite conveying what you want. You want it to be more ominous and a little less cliche.

The following week was incredibly awful. I don't have many friends, and I am still very upset at Jasper so I spent most of my time reading, drinking, smoking pot and writing poetry about how lonely I truly am.

This is showing a bit to much of a change from the previous "chapters" and like aaboo17 said, you are taking the plot a bit fast. I would suggest you elaborate on the entire story. You have room for growth and for more chapters! :D

There are rumours that her mother abandoned her when she was young and that her dads a drunk.

In the section before this, you reference that Aurora has her flaws and then you continue to that train of thought, but is her circumstances really her flaws? Also, "dad's" not "dads"

I feel a vibration coming from my ass pocket

Is the expletive really necessary? It detracts from the overall "wholeness" of the story, for lack of a better word.

Jaspers parties were alway huge, never just a little get together.

"Jasper's" not "Jaspers"

Someone had banged another guys woman, and there was a huge fight.

"guy's" not "guys"

Other than that, nice job, keep up the good work. I would suggest getting a beta reader, someone to read your work before you publish, it should help catch most of the grammatical errors!
Write on
~Luata




makenna900 says...


The whole reason why I posted it here was for editing; this is a piece that is not edited well yet and definitely not finished. Also, everyone has there own point of view on self harm, having did it my self, this is just how I PERSONALLY felt. But thank-you, your review will help me become a better writer.



Biluata says...


I am so sorry if I offended you, I've been told I come across to harshly in my reviews :/ I really did like this piece!



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Wed Nov 11, 2015 5:34 am
aaboo17 wrote a review...



I don’t like being a critic but to start off there are some spelling errors. Captain instead of caption. Your chapters seem a little bit short to say the least. Try putting them together as one. Like chapter 1 and 2 together as chapter 1. Chapter 3 and 4 as chapter 2. And so on. You get what I’m saying. I like your plot for the story, with Jasper and Clarke. You gave little detail about the characters in the beginning, my personal opinion is to do so, so the reader has a connection with the characters. But that I’m sure will come in time.

Your story seems so fast-paced. Going from Clarke and Jasper meeting in school and Jasper kissing Clarke’s crush and to Clarke going to Jaspers party. Granted it kept me wanting more… but i would ALSO like more detail about things. Be descriptive. Don’t just go from here to there to here to there. Get what I mean? Clarke seems so caught up on this girl and I hope (as a reader) it comes out good for him in the end. Or at least his friend not screwing him over again. That was messed up.

I hope you take my review in mind, and i really like your story. I can’t wait to read more!!!! :)

-aaboo17




makenna900 says...


Thank-you so much for reviewing my short story, its just what I needed! The reason why its so fast paced is because its supposed to be a "short" story and I didn't want to take too long to get to the party at the end because theres so much more after the party. The events in which are at and after the party is the main focus of the story!



aaboo17 says...


Ohhhh! Okay I understand now. Well I'm looking forward to reading more that you write! :)




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