Hello there! Luata here for a review and for once, it is going to be grammar based, so I apologize ahead of time for my nitpicks, which tend to annoy some people, but please, bear with me.
"Hey man! Whats up?!"
I do believe it would be "What's up?"
Of course, I was the exact opposite of Jasper. I had never laced up a skate in my life, I'm quite scrawny, and I get 95s in all my classes besides, of course, physical education.
This sentence overall is a bit rough. Allow me to rewrite it for you. I was the exact opposite of Jasper as I had never laced up a skate in my life, being quite scrawny and getting 95s in every class but physical education.
"Awesome, see you then"
Please! Punctuation!
Jasper and I had been best friends for some time now. All though we've had our fights, we always seem to get through it. Many people say we are an odd pair, him being the typical jock and me being the typical nerd and all. Jasper has had more girlfriends then I can count while I have had only one. Her name was Penelope and we dated for a year and 3 months when I found out she had cheated on me with some douche whom is two years younger than me. I had never really gotten over her fully, a year is a long time. We had spent every waking minute together, it still hurts to talk about. But anyways, as I was saying Jasper and I are completely different in so many ways. He couldn't care less about his grades; all he really cared about was sports, girls and partying. I, on the other hand, have the best marks in my class, and despise playing any kind of sport. We are in fact an odd pair but we make it work and this is going to sound sappy but he is the best buddy I could ever ask for.
While this large block of text may be a bit bothersome, it could use some rewriting, so once more, please, allow me to rewrite. Just a reminder, these suggestions are up to be taken or left, they are just recommendations. I would rewrite like this: Jasper and I had been friends for some time and although we've had our odd fights we always pull through. People call us an odd pair and maybe we are. He cares nothing for grades but adores sports, girls, and partying whereas I, on the other hand, despise any sport playing but have top marks in my classes. He's had more girlfriends then I can count while I've only had one. Her name was Penelope and we were happy for the year and three months we were together before I found out she was cheating on me with some douche two years younger than I. It still hurts to talk about it. But somehow, Jasper and I still stuck it out and as cheesy as it sounds, he's the best buddy I could ever ask for.
When I finally got home, I rushed to my room and slammed the door. Suicidal thoughts rushed through my head; I've had depression and was suicidal since I was 14. Every time things start to get better, something happens to screw everything up. I've been clean from self harm for a year and 2 months, but today I think I might just pick up that blade again. I searched through my sock drawer to find one of my old razor blades. Am I really going to do this just because of a stupid girl? Am I really going to throw all of my hard work away just because of this dumb fucking girl? Yes. The pain is just unbearable and I can't do this anymore, I can't feel like this anymore. I need to get away. I pushed the blade to my wrist, then threw it across the room. Its not worth it. I just need to calm down. Everything will be fine, everything will be okay. I repeated this to myself until the thoughts went away.
This entire section of text needs edited, at the risk of being blunt. The emotion you are trying to convey comes out a bit cheesy, almost like a parody of actual self harm. I would recommend some heavy editing, something that I can't really give you in this one review, but if you would like some help with heavy editing, pm me, okay?
I had this awful dream that Aurora got shot and I could have saved her but I never. She looked so scared and alone and I could have saved her but I didn't. I just stood there and watched her get shot by this awful man in a black suit.
Once more, this is a good attempt at showing the feeling that you want to show but it isn't quite conveying what you want. You want it to be more ominous and a little less cliche.
The following week was incredibly awful. I don't have many friends, and I am still very upset at Jasper so I spent most of my time reading, drinking, smoking pot and writing poetry about how lonely I truly am.
This is showing a bit to much of a change from the previous "chapters" and like aaboo17 said, you are taking the plot a bit fast. I would suggest you elaborate on the entire story. You have room for growth and for more chapters!
There are rumours that her mother abandoned her when she was young and that her dads a drunk.
In the section before this, you reference that Aurora has her flaws and then you continue to that train of thought, but is her circumstances really her flaws? Also, "dad's" not "dads"
I feel a vibration coming from my ass pocket
Is the expletive really necessary? It detracts from the overall "wholeness" of the story, for lack of a better word.
Jaspers parties were alway huge, never just a little get together.
"Jasper's" not "Jaspers"
Someone had banged another guys woman, and there was a huge fight.
"guy's" not "guys"
Other than that, nice job, keep up the good work. I would suggest getting a beta reader, someone to read your work before you publish, it should help catch most of the grammatical errors!
Write on
~Luata
Points: 5205
Reviews: 139
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