The month I was turning 16 was filled with crowds, books and Orbit gum. I was a frustrated girl, failing every class and mullling about in my own incompetence. The desire to write overtook me, yet I couldn't type a word. Journalism intrigued me, but I felt shy around people. What can you say to someone who loves to write, but can’t get a word out of her mouth?
I was miserable and unimpressed at the same time. It was like everything I was doing had no greater purpose. 15 was a confusing year. A year I had slogged and worked harder than ever, but by the end I didn't care anymore. 15 was a straight line of feeling emotion but never expressing it. 15 solidified my friendships. 15 was safe, 15 was stable. I can’t blame my age. It was my nature to play it safe. I was programmed to follow rules, to adhere, and for God’s sake, to never, ever get in people’s way.
That was something I always tried to avoid. 15 was just that, trying to stay out of people’s way. Hiding in the shadows and quietly doing what you have to do. Sure, I got things done, but by the time 15 was drawing to a close, the reward of hard work just wasn’t enough anymore. I wanted to be bad. I wanted to fufil my thirst to be that black lined, short skirt wearing teenager. 15 was the boring, country bumpkin cousin to what I wanted the cool, urban 16 to be.
Coming back to the reason for my revelation. I chomped on gum all month long. I took my frustration out on it, masking the waves of insecurity with every bite. It was when I realized that it was a huge-ass world out there, and it was a cold-hearted bitch. As I stood amongst book-loving hipsters, black shrouded lawyers, or experienced journalists, I realized what an insignificant little mosquito I was, leeching off other people and depending on them. Every evening I had sat sitting on my red-leather sofa, watching coming of age movies was embodied in that, I needed to break the shell.
Yeah, sure, letting people see the real me is never going to work. Partly because I don’t know who the real me is. All I know is what everyone thinks I am, and what I want to be. 16 seemed like a far off fantasy. I remember sitting on my small bed, looking out to the cold winter night, wishing,knowing, that when I was 16, I would kick ass. I would be the most distinguished teenager to walk the planet. School, Social Life, Extracurriculars would be perfectly balanced. 16 was what I wanted to be. 16 was a far-off fantasy. The years passed, the 9 year old in me hoped that when I would turn 16, I would wake up with everything I wanted. Let me be clear, this isn’t a case of the girl who cried “first-world problems”, it’s just my own expectations. I’m not done with 16 yet, so I’m still waiting.
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I loved the idea that embodied the work; expectation vs. reality. It's a great theme, and as writers, we can do so much with it. We can play with antitheses and use symbolism; however, I did get a little confused because you overlapped themes a little bit. First you talked about expectations versus the reality, then you portrayed a more bildungsroman theme. For my suggestion would be to funnel down one idea and use it, otherwise themes will get intertwined and be confusing for the reader. On a grammatical note, when you are starting a sentence with a number you should spell out the number (i.e. 15, Fifteen). I also suggest to you to expand your vocabulary. Sometimes the right word can make a huge impact. Adding some metaphors, similes, and personification is always something that EVERYONE, myself included, can do to elevate his or her work.
I enjoyed how in the first paragraphs, the persona was more innocent and reserved and then in the last paragraphs there was a change in tone. For example, "I would kick ass" and "cold-hearted bitch". Using that diction allowed the reader to see the emotional change, and that was really cool.
Keep writing!!
Hi there!
This whole read really intensified my feelings for my expectations in life. Trust me I don't know what I looked in this read but I find it motivational. You are pushing yourself, confirming it by writing, making sure that's yeah that's what you really want from 16. I was your type of girl but luckily I understood that this world is full of draw backs until you make your appearance keen on everyone.
I always thought by being shy and hiding in the corner would make me different from others, from the same pattern followers but later or sooner you can say I realized that no matter what you have to simply follow all the pattern following puppets because this is how this world works! I totally understand you here because there was phase in my life where I go through the same confusion, feelings. I was bundle of nerves at 15 just like you've described but I did get a hang of it and I know you will too. If you really want to be "Real me" you have to believe in yourself and don't let others opinion get you. Its your world and your opinions should matter in your life.
I hope you'll get all you want from 16! Keep writing, thank you!
Hi!
First of all, I love the general thought. Wishing you'd change completely, be the person you want to be just by turning 16.
I do think you should say "15 was an confusing age" instead of "15 was a confusing year", because now it sounds like you mean 2015, or a year you nicknamed '15'.
By the way, my favourite part is "I wanted to be bad. I wanted to fulfil my thirst to be that black lined, short skirt wearing teenager. 15 was the boring, country bumpkin cousin to what I wanted the cool, urban 16 to be." because I remember feeling exactly like that. Except I didn't wait until my age changed, I just threw myself in the black, unprepared, unexperienced. I loved it.
Also, are you aware that the sentence "16 was a far-off fantasy" is twice in the last paragraph? I thought it was a bit odd.
Last of all, I'd like to say that it doesn't matter if you don't know who you are yet. Just try to be the person you want to be, eventually you'll find the things that are more you, the things that are not you. You will become more than a face and a name, and not just by turning 16.
Hi there, Mahima, and welcome to YWS!
All in all, I think you captured well the hopes and dreams we attach to certain ages. I remember feeling a bit like this about turning 13, and probably also 15 or 16. It's funny how things turn out and that we don't magically change overnight no matter how hard we wish we did. I think this is very relatable in that sense.
I was a bit confused at first about why you start talking about "month". The things you describe seem more constant than something that happens over a month's time, so I wasn't sure why you had chosen month instead of year, for example. Especially when in the next paragraph you talk about a year again.
I liked the detail about the gum, but it didn’t become that clear what it was about -- I mean, why was that month in particular filled with gum? You kind of touch on this, making me think that it's because you/the narrator is stressed out, but it's not that clear. The "books" you mention in the very first sentence also makes me think there were some important exams coming up, which might go in line with the stressedness. But maybe it's just because you like to read, I don't know.
One more thing:
Sat sitting sounds a bit funny
Here are some thoughts I had! As I said, I think you managed to describe that state of mind very believably and I'm sure I won't be the only one who could relate to this.
Demeter
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