If you find the light
and then you loose your sight,
Then you as well have been hounded
By the hunters of time.
If you get your freedom
And then loose your life,
Then you also have been ruled
By those well trained
To use a spiders bite.
If you argue comely,
And then are shot down
In the middle of the night,
Then you too have discovered,
The cold hard facts of life.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! I know this piece is pretty old, but I feel bad that it has no reviews, so I decided to give it one!
I like this poem! It has a dark theme to it and touches on ideas like false hope and blissful ignorance (or at least to me). I have a few things I'd like to point out. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!
The first thing I'd like to mention is stanzas. Since your poem is pretty small, I think it works quite nicely without the use of stanzas. But if you wanted to play with this poem, you could try dividing it into stanzas and see which format you like better. This is just a thought!
The next thing I'd like to mention is capitalization. You capitalize the beginning of every line, except for this one
I recommend remaining consistent in your capitalization, which you can easily do so by capitalizing the line I mentioned.
The next thing I'd like to mention is punctuation. There are some places where you use commas that I feel are unnecessary (this is just my opinion, so if you don't agree, then feel free to ignore).
Usually in each section, you only put a comma right before you say "Then you as well have been hounded/Then you also have been ruled" But here, you use commas in different spots as well. I would personally take out the first comma after "comely" because it seems to work better without it, or at least for me. I'd also take out the comma after "discovered" since the line after it is a continuation of this line. Putting a comma breaks the flow a bit.
Now on to specific lines!
I believe you meant "lose"
Same thing here, "lose" But I also feel using a different verb would make this better by avoiding unnecessary repetition and adding variation.
It should be "spider's" I'm also a bit confused by this line (if it's really obvious, then pardon me). What does a spider's bite have to do with this?
I'm guessing you meant "calmly" instead of "comely" but I'm not quite sure what you were going for.
Overall, this is a nice poem! I love the topic you chose, and I hope this helped!
One word wow