Dreamland
They say the world
is full of cracks and pours
so who am I to argue
with the moor
on these corroded shores
i lie awake
as the haunting faces
begin to dissipate
in this dearest of dreamlands
that I have found
be it blessing, a curse,
or even something worse
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
It seemed like it ended in the middle. Add a stanza or two.
I believe you meant "pores" in the second line.
Wait so you're even considering arguing with a field? Is this another spelling error? Some stupid attempt to fit into the rhyme scheme, whether it makes sense or not?
In most other places, I think your rhyme scheme works.
Consider adding punctuation.
It's got some wonderful imagery in it. I like your choice of theme. But it seemed to be missing something. Play around with the idea a little more. Expand on the concept. Try to use a consistent rhyming scheme and rhythm, though be careful about choosing words just because they rhyme.
It is interesting, I agree with that, and the rhyming could be better. Personally, I hate all rhyming, it just constricts the poem, but here that wasn't the problem. Here the second rhymed word seemed "awkward", as if it was there because it had to be squished in. Ususally, no matter what the poem is about, you want it to flow.
I love those two lines, actually that whole verse is so pretty. But anyways, if you want to make something rhyme, you might want to make it all rhyme.
Interesting.
It did seem "dreamish." I didn't like the rhyme scheme. And by the way, niteowl will ussually be the first to tell you that those suck, but hey, I beat her to it this time!
But it was good, though. Not the best you've done, but it was good.