As I look up into the black silvery sky,
I feel as if someone is pouring antifreeze into my veins
As I glance upon gilded jesters drinking until there fill
It feels almost as if im not supposed to see
As I stare into the sweet mirrored halls of my mind
And as I peer on too the beautiful fantasies that in real life I can not find
It feels like there is more to life than all of this
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
this might be just me but i didn't think that
'i feel as if someone is pouring anti-freeze into my veins'
didn't really seem to fit-but apart from that there were some great images etc i really enjoyed it!
You had some great images in here. That was what made the poem. However, I think you need to fix up the ending and maybe expand it a little. Not bad, but just do those images some justice.
I love "sweat-mirrored walls of my mind"
But the poem, overall, didn't leave much of an impression because I couldn't tell why the narrator was feeling the way they were, and I didn't know who they were, so I didn't give a damn. Us wrters be like that.
Not bad. The only thing I can think to say about it right now is that it might be better with shorter lines. Don't change them, just split them into two.