Published March 2, 2005
This great November
The clouds seek to hurt my eyes
So I tell them I am already blind
But alas they just sit up there
And chat about old facts to which they doubt
The insects seek to infect my mind
But I know of the darkest corners
Of there kind
But even with this they still persist
In there plans to make me sick
The books seek to fill my head with lies
Of places and people out of mind
And of rivers and mountains corroded by time
They tell me listen or it will be my demise
But I will hold fast and the tell them the
Truth about the past
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Oh, anf is your hair really green? If so, that's awesome.
Well, considering this is the first thing I have read by you, very nice first impression.
However, I don't find this to be a horrible poem, but it does need a little work.
Basically, what nite owl said. I'm not really good at critiquing, sadly.
Okay, first off, I'm no grammar expert. Never claimed to be one. But you used there when you meant their twice in the second stanza. If a group possesses something, it's there. If something is off kind of in the distance, it's there. Just to clarify.
And in the second stanza, 2nd line, I would highly reccomend getting rid of the of. It's clunky.
Second to last line: Did you mean "then". I'm guessing you did, but even so, it's similar to the of I mentioned above. Clunky and unnecessary. Also I would suggest moving the second the (which I assume is meant to be the) to the last line.
Not too bad, but I'm not really sure what it's about.