Oh how I long for it
I realize that
the scars on my skin run deeper
than any spring can cure
so I cut into my skin
as the blood trickles down
from my hand
I give up on hope
and start to search
for a darker land
o’ hark unto thy
who seeks to greaten my pain
and separate me
from the sane
you do not know
of the horrors
you bestow
but I do not want to fight
I only wonder why
I can not forget
about the pain and doubt
I only wonder why
I can not just lie down
and die
oh how I long for it
---------------------
is this lyrical or other?
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey there.
A more out there subject I like to talk about in poetry reviews is in relation to word choice. In the poem that I see here, there's a change in the tone from informal word choice to a very classic, almost formal word choice. And then it switches right back, with little isolation or explanation for the the sudden change in word choice. I'm a poetry moderator, I get there's certain levels of creativity that fall into each part of this but also from that position, I know how this effects the flow and the presentation of the piece.
Flow is something that is not apparent in this piece, mainly through the lack of presentation and the line length. Often people think that it's only long lines that mess up flow, that if they have all teeny tiny short lines, everything will work out perfectly fine. it doesn't though. it creates a choppy flow that causes just as much pain to the poem and the reader, as having to drudge through long lines of purple prose.
I'm thinking that is the main reason for splitting thoughts up like this because based on the content, there's no reason to make this many splices. if anything for the matter at hand, I would like to see longer lines. That doesn't mean adding more details to this, it just means that combining some of these lines would give it a much cleaner look and feel.
Message wise.
As a reader, I'm not getting very much out of this situation and the emotional value is rather generic. there's a bit of bouncing around through ideas with little to no imagery to support them. And then it's followed by repetition of the same idea with only a slight amount of change in the wording.
Nice base.
Bad execution.
Try a more original idea or at least more original imagery.
HAPPY revmo.
- lizz
...very intense....
I don't know. It might even work in Dramatic too.
I love it. And I have nothing to say.