A toast to he who he who has brought us here
to he who has released us
to he who has watched us
he was there all the time
watching as we died
but did he ever intervene
he was there all the time
watching as we cried
but did he do anything
so should we not return
his good favor by thanking
him in the same way?
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
awkward to read and could use some more description. Who are you talking about? Definitely a good start, but needs work.
iv ment to exand on this, its just never happend
I found this awakward to read.
The first line really needs work...I think you have some sort of confusion going on there because it doesn't read well. I got what you8 were trying to say but this desperately needs some re-structuring and re-wording. Also, I think it might do good to split this from the rest of the poem, to make it really stand out and throw the reader into the deep end straight away.
Other problems:
Repetition - Eek. Looks of repeated pronouns that make this very prosaic and almost a bore to read sometimes. Lots of the lines seem the same. It's crying out for an influx of adverbs and adjectives to sprice it up. Also, a little imagery wouldn't go amiss.
Enjambement - The line breaks in this are at times very irritating. JUst as you get into reading something you have to switch your eyes to the next line, and it feels like split sentences. Example - "his good favour by thanking/him in the same way?" Him would do better on the previous line.
Yeh, basically, I think you need to read through this and make some alterations. Don't get me wrong, it has potential, and the topic is great, I love that, but it needs a lot of work to make this stand out from the crowd of vague/general poems.
what do you think?