Published February 9, 2007
Prologue
“Get down!” shouted the Captain. A large black and red dragon dived down from the sky and blew a large breath of fire onto the ship’s deck. Some of the crew caught fire and started to scream and run rapidly across the deck.
“Reload the cannons!” commanded the Captain.
The remaining crew reloaded but then the black and red dragon came back from the sky and swung its tail, destroying the cannons and killing nearly all of the crew bellow. Then to finish the crew bellow, the dragon took in a deep breath and then let out a blizzard of roasting hot fire.
The flames destroyed all of the ships controls and the ship was defenceless. “Abandon shi--!” but the Captain was cut off when he was sent flying away from the ship and landed in the stormy black ocean. His last vision was his ship being torn in half and sinking to the very debts of the ocean.
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141,311 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
Thank you all for the critique so far! This will make this story much better!
With this, you really could have hooked me more. A dragon is attacking the ship- it should be more exciting to read about. But it's just bland. I would suggest elaborating with more details- you said some of the crew ran/screamed- what were the other crew members doing? Is it night or day? Is there anything special about the dragon, or just the colors? When you say it's large, how big do you mean? What about fangs or claws- every story with dragons has them depicted differently so it's hard to assume. I want to see this picture in my mind, but based on what you have written it's hazy.
This is the second time the captain speaks, and I'm bored with him already. Maybe if you wrote something more than "commanded"...what else is he doing- just standing around barking orders? Is he worried or calm about the situation, is he old or young, is he experienced or a novice- is he surprised by the attack? Something more is necessary because when I read it I have no attachment or care about him.
1- I don't think you needed to say "black and red dragon" again- just saying "dragon" is fine unless there are other dragons in this scene.
2- below, not bellow.
3- a "blizzard" of "hot fire"? I'm not sure I like this description. I get what you're trying to say, but blizzard is not the best way to describe fire- it has an opposite effect.
1- should be ship's
2- just another spelling mistake- spell check is simple but effective!
3- I was already unphased by his death because he wasn't established earlier in the prologue. The entire line though- you're telling us what his vision is through your eyes, not through his. We get no emotion from his as he watches. It's like these events all happen, but we get no feeling from the characters.
4- depths
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Other than what I said above, I think it's a really interesting beginning. There were other spelling and grammar mistakes that I didn't write about, but they weren't a big deal. It's definitely a good start, and it leaves me with a lot of questions about why this all happened- which I'm sure comes out later in the story! So, good work, and I can't wait to see what you post next!
Great storyline, looking forward to reading more
*scribbles out*
makes you want to read more