You Stole Who I Am

Hey there, Maegardens.
Well I agree that this poem needs some improving, like most poems do. I agree with Persephonia, this is more of a rant. You need to add some kind of other poetic structure to this apart from stanzas. You repeat quite a few things. And if there's anything i learned on this website is though some times that's not a bad thing, sometimes it is.Repetition in poems can make a poem sound much more bold, or even ,if you read it correctly, magical. One poem i feel that uses good repetition is Langston Hugh's Harlem Night Song. It gives the poem imagery as well as making it flow beautifully. Obviously Langston Hugh's is an AMAZING poet so I don't expect you to follow EXACTLY in his foot steps, but my point is look at the poem as a lesson. Well back to your poem, try to find other words that can fit with the flow of the poem. Which is my next point, this poem doesn't really flow. Try and re-arrange somethings, add other things that people use in poetry, such as rhyming. Overall though the poem has potential. Just use what people say and try to use the advice so that the piece itself has improved and so that you also like it. -Imaginemymind

P.s - If you'd like me to PM you Langston Hugh's Harlem Night Song, let me know. I'd be glad to.

OHH.!! One tihng i forgot to write in my paragraph is that even though it is a poem it still needs punctuation, apart from exclamation points and question marks. Again refer to Harlem Night Song to see just how important puntucation is.

Hi there..
so I would agree with your that this needs some work. Personally, in a lot of ways, this seemed more of a rant than a poem. There wasn't much a flow for me, and even though I generally don't like them, I would suggest using a subtle rhyme scheme to pull everything together. I would also change lines where there are two in a row ending with "you". That makes it sound more like a rant.

Okay. Second thing. I would try incorporating some imagery. You go off on how the other person is trying to copy you, but you never say how or why, you never give any physical or emotional description. I would try some imagery and metaphorical work in here, to beef that part of it up.

You also have quite a bit of repetition in here, starting in the first stanza. Now, I'm not bashing repetition. Repetition could be used very effectively. But when you have a rant style poem, it's good to change it up. Use repetition to beat in the ideas and the anger, but don't simply repeat a line; have something different in your next repeat of it. Perhaps go back to it later in the poem. Don't just have the same line twice in one stanza. That gets a bit overpowering, and adds to the feel that it is a rant.

Overall, I DO think that this was a nice poem. There was a lot of emotion, even if it wasn't described. The concept was nice and easy to relate to... great topic you've chosen here. Nice write.

-Coral-

I think it seems more lyrical.
Anyway, it does have some potential.
I don't think I have to nitpick the grammar, though.
I just can't seem to understand this piece really well. Who is this impostor, anyway? What is he/she to the MC's life? Why does this person want to steal the MC' identity? I suggest a little more detail. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, Keep writing!!!

-KAT <3

This has lots of potential, but you are right, it does need work!

I mainly chose this because of the title. Sometimes it's good to just put the meaning right in focus. It caught my attention. So well done at that (:

maegardens wrote:It's a little shabby... Could need some work, but I don't know what to do, so review! PLEASE!? Enjoy!


You stole what I liked, The beginning isn't half bad. I recommend you add commas though. This makes it look more serious, more mature.
You stole what I'd said,
You stole who I am,
To make it your own.

Why do you do this?
How unoriginal,
How unoriginal.

I try to be me,
But you steal that, too.
I can't be free.I like this line, but again, grammar.

If I let something spill,
You steal it right from my lips. I think this should be "lips" rather than "nose", it makes more sense.
I have to hide myself from you,
I have to lie about myself to you. I like this! It gives me a sense of emotion.

I hate you!
You poser!
You're such a fake!
You're such a phony!
You're pretending to be who you're not!The explanation points are a little corny. I actually suggest you take this out. it's a tad bit weak, compared to the rest of the poem.

You act like you like
The things that I like
When you've never even heard what they are!

You've stolen who I am,
And I'm surprised you haven't stolen my name yet,
Maybe that's next to come.

You've stolen who I am
And I'm surprised you haven't killed me, and taken my place in life,
Maybe that's next to come.

I wish I never met you.
Maybe then I'd have my identity.
Why do you try to steal my originality?


You make my originality
So unoriginal;
You're like a virus,
Like a parasite,
Stealing anything you can find.


You've stolen who I am,
And I can't get my life back.


copyright maegardens September 3, 2010