The Whoopie Cushion

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I awoke to the wonderful green pine tree that was decorated with numerous ornaments. I looked at the sparkling wrapping paper, and went straight to the stocking hanging above the fireplace. I wanted to save the good presents for later. Oh, but the best one was in the stocking. After minutes of unwrapping small presents from the stocking, I found it.The whoopie cushion.I thought it was just a pink bag, and I left the wonderful toy on a chair, not knowing its powers. After everyone in my family had got their gifts from Christmas, my older brother, Dean, showed me how to use the whoopie cushion. After the first sound, I knew that this was the toy. My brother didn't know that I would betray him and use it against him when his girlfriend was over.

My mom always defended me with, "Ariana's only eight!"

But she didn't know that I'd use the whoopie cushion against her when she was having a dinner party with all of her friends. My dad thought it was hilarious, but not until I used the toy on him at his job when it was 'Bring Your Daughter to Work Day' did he not like it. The whoopie cushion lasted for years, and I never gave up an opportunity to embarrass someone with the whoopie cushion until I was sixteen years old. Then the day happened.

I was going to use it on my dog, Harold. I got the job accomplished, but with a great price. Harold wanted revenge, everyone that I used it on wanted revenge. But Harold was a dog, and he didn't know that if he destroyed the whoopie cushion, I'd go into a deep depression like most people did know. He also had very sharp teeth. I sneaked it under his bed one day, and he came over to sleep. I was in a corner, filming his reaction. I loved the reaction when he jumped in the air and screamed a high pitched, girly dog scream. I also loved it when he put his tail in between his legs and whimpered because of the loud farting noise. But the reaction I didn't like from Harold was the part where he ripped the whoopie cushion out from under his bed and popped it with his teeth. No! I had thought. I dropped the camera and ran to the whoopie cushion. It had a big hole in it. "NOOOOO!"I screamed. It was the end of all happiness. I arranged a funeral in my backyard, but I was the only one who came. Everyone was overjoyed that I didn't have the power to embarrass them with my whoopie cushion. I dressed in a black dress, and I had bought a small tin can that I put the whoopie cushion in. I dug a small hole, crying in sadness and pain. When I was done, I said my words of goodbye, then walked slowly back inside. For days I stayed in my room, crying. I was like this until Christmas. I looked in my stocking, and there was a whoopie cushion. This time Dean didn't need to teach me how to use it.

i'm kind of torn on this piece because it combines a kind of brilliant and imaginative plot device with rushed, mediocre writing. i wish you'd spend more time tweaking your transitions and your pacing, and then embellish it with better descriptions. so yeah, spend more time on this. i realize i'm not really going into it at all, but my feelings about this piece are general rather than specific. but that happens when the story is better than the writing. i really want you to go back and edit this and really think about how it moves and sounds, then pm me so i can read it again. i love this idea, you've got a great imagination or something. and please don't drop this piece where it is, please pick it up and fix it, i think it can be great !

Hey, Mae!

So, this was an interesting little piece of flash fiction. I'm intrigued about what made you want to write this piece, actually! Your writing is easy for eyes and in my opinion it flows quite nicely. Your grammar seems to be good as well.

However, I was a bit disappointed when the story ended so abruptly. I was expecting something surprising to happen, to come behind the tree and awe me completely. The conflict was there, but there really wasn't any climax, and I would like some expansion to this story, because it started off great. The ending seems like you wrote it in a rush, and even though you may have intended it to be seem like that, it doesn't come out well in the story.

I also have a couple of nitpicks.

"NOOOOO!"I screamed.