we see ourselves in shadows
when we are in love
forgeting the rusteness of our open flesh
our eyes become transparent
when we are in love
flowing like the waterfall of the carribeans
oue smiles become brighter
when we are in love
brighter than the reflection of the morning star
how i love your eyes that are tender
more tender than the sweetness of a lemon tree
and now in this perfect night of bliss
we shall at last feel, true loves first kiss.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
• Spelling.
• An effort on spelling would be greatly appreciated.
• Also, you should create an iambic pentameter. That means that you should pay attention to the rhythm. A small poem like this needs a base like that to keep afloat and shine over the larger longer ones.
Try:
We keep seeing ourselves in shadows
When we've been blinded by love
Forgetting our vulnerable flesh...etc
That way, each line fits together like a puzzle because each line is about 8 syllables.
[quote]our eyes become transparent
when we are in love
flowing like the waterfall of the Caribbeans{/quote]
• Watch spelling.
• This can be made into another stanza, because it mentions love, but says a different thing about it.
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Overall, this poem was choppy and hesitant. It would be so much better if you'd incorporate a rhyme scheme and syllable pattern it would be great.
I have to go, I'll add more later.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
I think the best thing you could do is read over your work once you've written it, because the spelling mistakes distract the reader and make the poem far less enjoyable. Try to make sure that lines flow into one another i.e. that your thoughts continue linearly and that you don't just write a random line, because it sounds cool. Also try to choose metaphors and similies that make sense. You can't say the "more tender than the sweetness of a lemon tree", because sweetness and tenderness are unrelated.
Anyway keep on trucking
Hello. Welcome to the site.
Punctuation and Capitalization needed. It'll help the flow of this poem.
I admire your word usage and imagery. Overall, it creates a powerful effect on the poem.
This work could be better though. First, read through it, there are a number of typos. Again, capitalize that which should be capitalized. Punctuate accordingly as well.
This is a really short and sweet poem. Anyway, good luck with your future works.
Keep writing.
--Knightly