Sorry if you felt if I was distanced
I mean before Corona
made us stay away
I've been in my own world
never thought I would be so bored
Stay 6 feet away
I Don't mind it's just like another day
No large crowds
It's okay I'm sitting in the corner anyway
Mask On
But tbh I never stopped wearing one
The only thing that's different is being quarantined
Usually being told to get out the house
Now I'm told to stay in
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138,375 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Oooh I liked the metaphor you used of having depressive thoughts to the corona-virus quarantine behavior. I think you used the comparisons well, and it makes for a very effective message. While I don't always love abbreviations or text speak like "6" rather than "six" and "tbh" rather than "to be honest" in poetry, I think in this piece it absolutely fit the mood; and made the poem feel more like the speaker was close to giving up and just really trying to make it through, it also communicated a kind of casual mood -which contrasts a lot of corona-virus anxiety feelings that other people might be going through.
I think it would have been interesting to do a bit more contrasting how the speaker feels versus how people are feeling elsewhere or portrayed by the media, because they seem like they aren't actually anxious about the virus. Instead they're bored and sad. The poem is fairly short now and certainly has room to "dig deeper" into those feelings, but I think as-is gives a pretty clear message of how this speaker is finding difficulty in their mental state exasperated by the circumstances of the corona virus.
A few critiques I don't think the capitalization of "Don't" or "On" added, but felt a bit distracting. I didn't have any issue with the uneveness of the lines because of the poem's casual nature and brevity. The slight-rhyme actually helped with the flow too, so that was definitely a plus, because it felt like it naturally belonged in the piece rather than something that was forced.
Nice work, keep on writing!
best,
- alliyah
Hello madisonperkins59! I'm here to review this lovely short poem!
I really enjoyed the subject of this poem. It's relatable for a lot of people at the moment, and the language used is very accessible. That being said, there are a few parts where the language feels a bit too informal. I understand that this stylistic, and up to the writer's preference, so you are free to ignore my recommendations on wording.
This feels a bit conversational, even slightly childish if that makes sense. A simple way to make it feel less "young" while still maintaining a conversational feel would be -
"Tbh" is quite informal, and rarely even used in a spoken conversation. As mentioned in the previous review, you could split this into two lines, like so -
I would also like to mention capitalization. There are a few words that are capitalized unnecessarily.
"Don't" should not be capitalized here.
And neither should "On".
Also, another stylistic thing that I'd like to mention - throughout the poem, you don't use any punctuation. This is a choice for the writer to make, but I personally would at least suggest adding some periods throughout the poem to show when an idea has been finished.
There are a few lines that I'd suggest splitting in half to make them shorter and easier to read, as well.
Lastly, I just want to mention that the first line is a bit tricky to read. To make it easier you could consider changing it to
And maybe even splitting it like so,
That's it for my critiques! Overall, I enjoyed how short and simple this poem is, as it really gets the emotions across in such few words. I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Personally I really like this poem. Especially the part - Usually being told to get out the house Now I'm told to stay in. Its really nice and beautifully written. Totally relatable.
Thanks
Hi, madisonperkins59! I'm Atlas, and I'm stopping by to give your poem ,Distanced, a quick review. I haven't done this in a while, so forgive me if I'm a little rusty. I also want to make it clear that any statements I make about your piece are strictly my own opinions, and I mean no offense by any of them (If I offend you somehow, though, please let me know!). Also, I am merely making suggestions, not telling you what to do, so feel free to take anything I say in this review with a grain of salt. Anyway, let's get to it!
I'm sorry if you felt if I was distanced.
Overall, I think you have a really good piece! The majority of us can definitely relate to this, which strengthens the emotional appeal of the poem itself. I also really like the almost conversational feel that it has when reading it. I think it adds to the poem's appeal. Awesome job!
As for grammar and syntax, there are some punctuation marks missing, a few capitalization errors, and a few spots where I didn't think the language was as precise as it could be, but nothing so major that it distracts from the readability of the poem. I'm going to enclose my edits, which will be in bold, in a spoiler below. (Again, these are all suggestions! Poems definitely don't follow all grammar/formatting rules, so I tried not to go overboard.)
Spoiler
I mean, before Corona
made us stay away.
I've been in my own world,
never thought I would be so bored
Stay 6 feet away.
I don't mind; it's just like another day
No large crowds
It's okay, I'm sitting in the corner anyway
Mask on
But,to be honest,
new lineI never stopped wearing one.
The only thing that's different is being quarantined
Usually being told to get out the house
Now I'm told to stay in
Again, I did really enjoy reading this poem. I thought you did an awesome job relaying the message and emotions that come hand in hand with this whole situation; I know a lot of people feel the same way. I did find myself being a little nitpicky when reading through for suggestions, and everything I wrote above is a reflection on how I may have written this piece. Feel free to use all, or none, of my suggestions if you chose to edit this piece.
Thanks again, and happy writing!
~Atlas
I totally agree with you. Thank you.