Published January 24, 2009
your the stranger in my life
yet your the person whom i like
i haven't even saw you
but still my heart falls for you
either your nice or awful
cute or just up for trouble
you are still the one i am mad of
you are still the one i am dreaming of
i know i,m nothing compare to you
just a simple person you used to know
a person not worthy of your love
a person you just might be mad of
but this is me i am who i am
i am not attractive
i am not charming
i am not captivating
as you can see
i am just your "nothing"
my question is:
can this "nothing" be your "everything"?
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140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I know you posted this a while back, but I love to trawl through the forums and just review older stuff - you find some good stuff that is usually forgotten about! Okay, so here's my review!
This stanza didn't work well at all - I've made changes in bold - and you need to think of capitalising some of your line starts - this makes it look more professional and easier to read. I kinda like the last two lines though - I like the contradiction.
This stanza was a little better than the first, I think. Just remember which 'your' to use. * Here, I think you should change the 'of' to the 'for' - it would make it sound a lot better. I'm not keen on the beginning line - 'nice' and 'awful' just don't couple well, I don't think.
'Kay, I've made some changes again in bold - see? This stanza is average... I can't think of any other way to put it. * Here, this line is just... wrong. How can you be 'mad of' someone? Perhaps 'sick of' would be better?
This stanza definately has potential - you just need to work on it. I'm not too keen on the repetition in the middle of the stanza.. It seems strained. * I think this line could be split to, to help with the flow!
Ehhh... Not keen on this ending. Cut it out compeletely?
Keep writing!
Hey there Madel,I'm des.
Your poem was alright. But I do have to agree with yrclever, it is cliche. At first I thought you were posting Hillary Duff's song ''stranger''. The theme really is common and it is heard and read everyday. I know readers can agree with the whole I'm-not-pretty-I-am-nothing idea. We all feel that way sometimes even when it's the complete opposite. Anyway, I think if it was written with different word choices-- to make readers think-- it would have been better.
All in all, Keep writing!
I am looking forward to reading more of your work.
Good luck
Hello there madel!
.
Welcome to YWS. Before I even review this I'd like to point out that correct punctuation can really help you make your point, and is an invaluable tool in your writing toolbox
Okay, so let's get to the poem:
This should be "You're" not "your"
I haven't even "seen" you.
I'm not going to go through the rest of the piece, and point out grammar mistakes, as I know that you can find them yourself. Also, the poem's theme is cliche and has been done over and over again by many, including and especially musicians. The only advice that I can really give you, is to keep writing and to keep reading. If you think about it enough, ideas will come. If you practice writing enough, your style will emerge. If you persevere, you will undoubtedly succeed!
Have a good one!