I cried for a moment, I’m on my own
to find the world unknown.
At the stroke of midnight,
I put up a fight.
The strong words you said,
left in my head.
The memories in my heart,
tear me apart.
We said our goodbyes,
throughout all of our lies.
You played your game,
it earned you no fame.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thank you guys.
I'll consider your inputs!
Mackenzie, hi. :]
Simple poem you have here. The rhyme scheme seemed a little too cut-and-dry for my taste, but I think that all basically lies in the want to rhyme. I notice much of the time when writers aim to rhyme, they're planning ahead as to which ending words will go together and make the best of sense and all that.
Here you use a very basic, naive approach at a rhyme scheme. The last words to each ending two sentences rhyme together. You've hampered the ability to expand the rhythmic beauty and appeal of your words by doing this. I think there's room to get so much more creative with a rhyme pattern if you so desire to have one.
Most of the time it's nice to simply toss rhyming out the window altogether when it just doesn't seem to be working right. I say this mostly because, right here with this particular poem, your flow of thoughts and ideas sound choppy and a bit thrown together. The rhyming may or may not have something to do with this, but either way, I figured I'd make one teensy point.
In place of rhyming, you want to always have a steady rhythm going. That is, you want the strength and meaning of your words to sound as aesthetically appealing to the audience as possible. All the while stitching together your imagery, points, and ideas into one cohesive flowing thought, being the whole of your poem.
Just some general food for thought. I hope this helps!
-Smylin'
This is very powerful for how short it is. You did a great job with the rhyming sceme and none of it seemed force, which is something I find with a lot of poetry.
I would just say expand it a little more because I can see this becoming much more powerful if there was more to it. Also, I'm not a huge fan of the format. I can't really explain it but it could sound so much more passionate without the rhyme every two lines.