love

when he holds me close i can't help but fell at peace
the kisses we share make me fell more than their was to begin with
the word and actions we preform are held tight in my thoughts
he takes my breath away and i hope i take his
he's a important part of my life
he makes me smile
laugh
fell happy
overwhelmed
he has me excited
he has me at peace
he's the reason i find myself with much inspiration
i feel i have more to accomplish and do
i hope he feels he has to accomplish more
i'm by his side no matter what he will do
i'm behind him a hundred percent of the way

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Hey there m_j+kimi! I'm Kat and I'll be your reviewer!
So first off, Sura has already mention the major problem! You don't have one word capitalize and there's no punctuation! *faints at the sight of such thing*
So, I'll give you my thoughts on punctuation and capitalizing, but remember these are just thoughts! if you don't want to, do not feel obligated to follow them.

When he holds me close I can't help but fell at peace.
The kisses we share make, me fell more than their was to begin with; [I think you meant there]
The word and actions we preform, are held tight in my thoughts [I think you meant words]
he takes my breath away and i hope i take his
he's a important part of my life
he makes me smile
laugh
fell happy
overwhelmed
he has me excited
he has me at peace
he's the reason i find myself with much inspiration
i feel i have more to accomplish and do
i hope he feels he has to accomplish more
I'm by his side no matter what he will do
I'm behind him a hundred percent of the way


Well, you get the point. Capitalize the right words (that includes the 'I' that always has to be capitalized!), do some magic with the punctuation and you're done!
Just one more thing: I think you're lacking on imagery and feelings. i can't actually feel anything that you mentioned. You repeat some things and the whole centre part, just seems pointless. So please polish this up a bit, because this has potential!
PM me if you need anything :D
*Kat*

P.S: Sorry if it sound harsh. I didn't had more time, so I didn't finish the punctuation matter.

User avatar
Sura
Review
Sura wrote a review · Mon Mar 23, 2009 2:31 am

m_j+kimmi wrote:When he holds me close I can't help but feel at peace


1. Please capitalize. : D
2.Check for proper word usage/spelling. EX: 'fell' should be 'feel', incorrect usage of 'their'

It's really hard to read your poem when it's riddled with so may technical flaws that could be easily fixed.
All I can say at the moment is that it looks about average.

Anyway~ g'luck editing it!



Journeys end in lovers' meeting.
— William Shakespeare