A willow tree,
singing, swaying in the wind,
reaching up to the sky
and drooping morosely at its edges;
I'll climb its gnarled branches,
and sit at its highest peak
like a bird gazing over the world;
I'll cry out, across the setting sun,
and while the wind carries my voice away,
I'll secretly hope
I will be heard.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey, Soleil,
I enjoy short poetry because it's usually a brilliant display of effort -- it takes a lot to fit a wonderful poem into such few words, and I must say that you did a fairly well job here.
I have a problem, though, with the cohesion. I feel that your lines are made of ice, which makes them come off as rigid when they could be a little less so, dear. Instead of being so precise, bend the words you're using into imperfect and informal tones and describe this tree down to the inner circles that ring around inside of its trunk, because, what good's an image to us if we're not using it?
Show us more in this space. You can.
Two thumbs up,
June
Hey Soleil! That's a really awesome poem you wrote there. I'll start off with the things I really loved about it.
The adjectives and verbs really create imagery. It gives the exact description of your view of the willow tree. Pretty good there. I also like how you started and ended it. For example, in the beginning, you start with a willow tree's description. Then, it gets more emotional. Finally, it ends with something more personal.
The only thing I'll change about it is the rhythm/ beat. You want it to be more "melodious" and kind of "upbeat". Get what I mean? You don't want it to be so sloppy (not saying that your poem is) that it makes you sound like you're writing a casual speech or something. Poems are a form of creative writing, not something like a political debate of some sort.
I don't know if it's just me getting hungry here or what, but I don't really see what you, as a poet, are trying to tell me. Well, yeah, I get the part when you cry "something" out to the world. I'm stuck between you being sad and you being ... peaceful...? Maybe if you put some more length to it, then I won't be as confused. What are you crying out to the sun? Joy? Sorrow? Happiness? Boyishness? The last few lines give me that question.
Hey--but the poem was absolutely pretty. Add a little bit of that extra fat. If you know what I mean.
I like the changes you have made! The bird simile makes a lot more sense now. Your poem is a little simpler, I think, but it still creates a strong image. You've only made little changes but it's made quite a big difference to your poem. Well done.
Just me being stupid but...
Um...I think I just edited the original poem at the top of the page.
~mSoleil
Anytime,
Could you post an edited version of this Soleil? I'd love to read your improvements!
Thanks,
Ben
Thanks for commenting guys! They helped me a lot.
~mSoleil
That was really pretty! It was simple, yet beautiful. You said a lot without fancy wording or many words, and that's just how I like poetry. Nice punctuation, too! I don't even have to nitpick you on that. My only suggestion is to fix a few of your 'I's. You say "I" and "I'll" quite a lot. Other than that, great job.
--Dreamy
Hi. This is very good. Short ans simple. I love the way the words flow together and almost create the swaying of the leaves in the wind. I think you captured the feeling and imagery very good as well. I far as I can see, you have no mistakes in grammar, so you're good there. I really like this one, you did a very good job.
Hello! I really like this.
I like your simile here: "I'll climb its gnarled branches,/to its highest peak/like a bird gazing over the world" but I think the way it is written at the moment not only implies that you're gazing over the world like a bird, but also that you've climbed the tree like a bird, and birds don't tend to climb. At least, that's how it came across to me at a first read. I would perhaps change it to something like "to sit at its highest peak" - the addition of the two words makes it a little clearer. But that's up to you - it might mess about with your flow or something, so have a play around with a few things. Another thing is that you've mentioned the sun, which I like, but you also mentioned the stars as well. This is fine, but I think you could create an even stronger image by saying something more about the sun or the daytime instead of the stars and the night-time image that they convey. All in all though, a great job, and I especially like how you finished it - the last two lines really add something. Well done. 
Hey there, welcome to YWS!
The shortness is not a problem with this poem because it conveys the effect and meaning it should. Every line is a beautifully implicit, yet vivid image and its almost as the narration is the reader, its truly wonderful.
I'm drawn in by your wonderful use of language, such as: "morosely" and "gnarled." Very creative.
This is my favourite line:
I adore the fluency, image and metaphor of this. I seriously believe that this line is one of those 1 in a million gems of writing. Despite its simplicity, in Tina Turner's words:
Anyway, a nitpick I have is here:
Read it over. It isn't reading right is it?
I'd rewrite this as this:
See what I mean?
Anyway, keep writing!
Ben.
Hey, M! Nice to meet you, and welcome to YWS. I hope you're liking it here so far.
Anyways.
On to your poem...
This is very nice. Quite short, but nice. You did use semicolons alot, and I only noticed because of the shortness of the poetry. For some reason it just stood out. It's not a problem, though. The lines go from short to long, so maybe even it out just a tad bit.
Well, Tata,
Miss Mizz