King of Clouds

I've fallen and I've no desire to get back up.
The journey was magical and floating here is perfect.
Come and be my King of Clouds.
All will be shrouded in your mist:
sight, skin, and breath.
I will be your Chancellor of Thunder.
When you call, your core will feel my reply.
When you smile, I will crackle in laughter.
When you cry, windows will quiver in despair.
But in those moments when rainbows appear in tears of joy,
I will hum a hymn so humble that the rumble will put you to sleep.

So fall with me, my prince, and my spark will speak for words that won't.

my spark will speak for words that won't.

Hi, mShujin.


I must say that I'm a fan. Firstly because this is somehow simple and still unique. Lovely imagery, nice wording, and sweet; it's just so easy to read, even when it doesn't rhyme. At first, I thought this was a sad poem, as in I didn't suspect the "fallen" was not literal. And, I think that is good, because it caught my curiosity. Then again, if you don't want to give the wrong impression, I'd tell you to find another way to say it. Although, I would not, for it is lovely as it is.

And I was going to say something else, but I forgot... Imma remember later. Lol.

Keep writing!

Hey, welcome to YWS! And to welcome you here, I may pick on you slightly (I'm a poetry snob).

First and foremost, I like that you chose a free-verse style for this, because it breathed very well; that being said, though, I would've taken it a step further by also ensuring that lines didn't always necessarily end with your punctuation. It'll just continue to improve the smoothness of your poem.

Topic-wise, I'm not a huge fan.This is probably mostly personal, but I found it to be cliche and difficult to relate to from an emotional standpoint. Certain lines felt a little over-the-top for me ("rainbows appear in tears of joy," etc.), but again, this is mostly personal preference, to take this with a grain of salt.

And, finally, I just want to reiterate that this really is a nice poem, even if it's not up my alley. My advise would just be to elaborate a little more clearly on the story that is vaguely outlined throughout this, to give us just a little more to go off of. N

Keep writing!

Hey Shuji! Welcome to YWS! I'm going to do my best to give you a good review. I'm not so great at reviewing poetry, but here goes. This review is going to focus on the five conventions of writing, structure, organization, word choice, voice, and idea. We'll start with structure and work up from there.

I know this is an abstract poem, and this is a very picky thing to point out, but, in the first line the narrator states she has fallen and she can't get up. In the last line, she asks her prince to fall with her. Not a big thing, but it messes with the continuity of your poem. Other than that, your structure is fine.

You organize the poem by first stating that she's fallen, then she describes that a journey was magical. What journey was she talking about? The journey of falling? That's what I took away from it. After that she begins to address the 'prince', and asks him to come be her King. She describes what that will be like. Then she makes some promises and requests that the prince fall with her. Your organization is great. Everything is in an order that makes perfect sense, except for the first line. It was the only thing that threw me off.

You did a great job choosing what words you used in this poem. Your descriptions were very vivid. I especially loved the tenth line, about rainbows appearing in tears of joy. Real quick, I didn't know where else to put this, but the y got split up in 'you' in line four.

Idea! You convey your idea very well, and in an entertaining way. This poem was very abstract, so a reader can take away whatever meaning s/he sees in it. You do a great job using vivid description as a metaphor for emotions. Good job!

All in all I enjoyed your poem, and I hope my review was helpful for you. Keep up the good work!