Young Writers Society

An unprecedented poem about a subject that poets rarely write on. Psychopathy and murder. You managed to describe what goes on inside a sadistic serial killer's mind accurately. Bingo!

First, the poem overall is well-written and its words are 'carefully picked'. You didn't use random words or random imagery. Your words, your metaphors - they all fit in perfectly. I like how you described the murderer as a 'nyctophile' that reveled at night when everybody is deep asleep. I can see through it an owl searching for its next unlucky prey.

The bloody imagery you used to show how our murderer kills others - though carnal and gory - is an emphasis on his love for blood. He kills only out of pleasure and ecstasy, not out of anything else (revenge, money, power...etc).

However, there are two objections:-

1- "Cold as ice" and "my bloodshot eyes." - they contradict each other. A person with bloodshot eyes (seething with anger and blood-lust) and cold are like day and night, angels and demons, good and evil . They cannot be together. Maybe you used that 'oxymoron' deliberately because you wanted to put more emphasis on the difference between the blood-boiling murderer and icy cold. Maybe it's not an oxymoron at all, possibly a 'juxtaposition'. I think I should know it from you instead of putting theories

2- " It was precious art, full of color and beauty". Art, colors (other than red), and beauty in general do not fit the gloomy, carnal atmosphere of your poem. I think you should work on those two lines.

Anyhow, your poem is super! I express my admiration for the rhyme scheme and the language you used.

I give it a 9/10 . Good job

Hey rebel, nice one you got here.

I like your idea, and I appreciated the use of vocab and the obvious effort put into the rhyming scheme. I also liked the way you set the scene of him outside the victim's window - so eerie. And the description of the actual murder? By far my favourite part, it flowed the best by far (probably because you got really into that part, as anybody would with the most exciting part of their work).

I have a few suggestions, if you don't mind. I think that a lot of this seems too forced, like instead of basing the rhyming scheme around the content you based the content around the rhyming scheme. The only part where it really felt natural for me - as I said - is the actual murder. Maybe next time try to not focus too much on the rhyming, I understand that it can be important but it will never be as important as the overall impact of the poem. And if you spend too much time on it, then the rest of the piece ends up lacking in quality. Just think about what you want to say; description, imagery, vocab and meaning come before the rhyme.

You should change the first line to 'everyone sleeps,' instead of "everybody's asleep'. it just works better. After this there was a tense change that really confused me. You went from "It's deathly quiet," to "but excitement filled" and it took me straight out of the flow. And the knife gleaming bright, as if delighted, was too much for me. It felt like the line was simply dedicated to the rhyming scheme. It's like your religiously trying to implement it, but you really do need to concentrate on the content more. Because although the words almost ended up rhyming, the content just wasn't worth that effort - in that line I mean.

After this it was pretty okay, mainly because you finally got excited about your own piece. This needs to be the case because then you won't be weighed down by the rhyming scheme - sick of typing those two words - and the words will simply flow. You need to slow down, get interested in your own work and let the words flow through you. I know it sounds all stupid and philosophical but it's true. There's a certain mindset you need to be in; you CAN NOT force good writing.

The anchor of my sanity was an interesting way to end it, since he's incredibly insane. I liked it, how the murderer is trying to convince himself that this is his way of staying sane. I found the piece okay in general, but it was just too forced for me to like. It's a common mistake, and just my opinion, but it's still one of the biggest mistakes. Other than that, if you'd focused on the content alone, I think that you could really make something nice out of this. I'd recommend starting anew with the same idea. That's just me though.

Hope I helped you
Yours in ink,
TS.