Published September 13, 2007
The Rebellion
My friends and I joke that I lost my sanity the day I learned to write. Somehow my mind tangled itself in the seductive words, wandering off into endless possibilities of beautiful, blank notebook paper. Deep in this wilderness, I could let go. I masked myself with the characters I created and hid behind them to avoid the awkwardness of my own real-life story. I invented fantastic worlds with flower-filled meadows and hazy purple skies for them to enjoy. Occasionally I threw in a dragon or two so they could exult in the victory of good over evil. There in that world of my imaginings, I was the creator goddess, happily dictating the lives of my marionettes. Then she came along.
The day had already progressed from bad to worse. Along with a nasty headache, I received some difficult news about a close friend which I could do nothing about. Frustrated, depressed, and downright furious, I sat down and began writing.
She came out of nowhere. One moment I was weaving a beautiful piece of prose mourning the evils of the world; the next minute she appeared out of thin air and demanded recognition. She fumed, ranted, and muttered words that I never allowed my characters to even think. She ridiculed my feeble poetry, wrenched the pen from my hand, and furiously began creating a list of all she hated in the world. She wrote everything I would have said if manners did not stand in the way.
After this incident, the girl continued haunting my imagination until I was forced to tell her story – a story so uncouth and ordinary that it fascinated me. I found myself developing a deep admiration for the girl’s strength, independence, and sincerity. My wonder grew so great that I failed to notice the problems developing because of her stubborn refusal to conform. As time went on she incited mutinous thoughts in other characters, and they wrought havoc on what I thought were completely stable plots. Heroines fell in love with highly unlovable men; villains emerged from the unlikeliest places. A grand total of seven characters now babbled constantly in my brain, bickering with each other and tugging my storyline in different directions. For the first time I began to fear that I really had lost my mind.
But my story does have a happy ending; I did not lose my sanity that night. I only lost control. Something wildly unpredictable exploded from my predictably dull fantasies; something raw and full of an intensity that I rarely saw in my writing. I felt it shred my carefully-constructed world of mindless dreams, opening my eyes to the vast panorama of life. It ripped away my dim, cloudy creations and painted reality in throbbing color.
Somehow the mask fell away and the girl behind the façade forced her way through my fingertips and tumbled onto paper. The universal cry of “Who am I?” was answered by an outpouring of my imagination – a few characters who rebelled against complacency and grew into real people. Somehow they discovered themselves at the same time I did, and I was shocked to learn that there were never seven voices babbling in my head. There was only one – mine.
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141,494 Literary Works • 674,530 Reviews
I'd critique it, but I can't find anything wrong with it, other than a couple of missing commas. Is it too late to do it, anyway?
Muffin
C'mon guys! Is anyone elso going to critique this?! Or are you going to make poor Sunshine send it in with nothing but my 12 year-old opinion???
(just coming to your rescue, sunshine! I hate it when I don't get critiques)
~A~
I will most definitely reread it. PM me when you post it, k?
Glad I could help!!
~A~
Ohhh, you wonderful person you! *grovels* No, i did not send it in yet, but i was very close! Thank you, thank you, thank you! and actualy, i did some editing on this the other day, and i changed a few of those things you pointed out, but you caught a few that i didn't.
i'll post my edited version. if you can, would you reread it? thank you so much for the critique!
Hi! I hope I'm not to late and you had to send it in already!!!
Okay, that said let's get on with it. You said I could tear it apart, right??
First of all I think the "somehow" in the first line weakens it. Take it out.
Overall here: mentioning the "wilderness" in the second line is out of place. Maybe mention it in the first line too so that you are referring back to it in the second line? Am I making any sense at all? Oh well, I'll just show rather than tell, shall I? Make it "My mind tangled itself in the seductive words, wandering off into endless wilderness of beautiful blank notebook paper. Deep in this wilderness, I could let go." Make more sense now?
Ooh, love the idea there... but shouldn't it be "There in the world of my imaginings, I played God."??
I think this needs some clarification... it could very well be just me, but it doesn't really make much sense.
Comma after "incident"
Sounds like a great story!!
Did you actually end up writing (and finishing) that story? If so you should post it!! It really seems to have the "touch of reality" ...I wonder why...lol.
Anyway, about this piece that I am critiquing
Over all it leaves a very lovely taste in my mouth. A few parts of it could use second looks just to work through rough spots. I recommend that you read it out loud (or under your breath) to yourself. Or you can have a friend/family member read it to you. That really helps it read smoother... not that it doesn't read smooth already, but it can always get better
You have some real talent going on here (if I may say so myself) and if I was a college I would definitely except you based on this!! What college(s) are you applying to, if you don't mind me asking?
Keep it up and PM me if you've got any questions at all (that I can answer, that is):D
~Azila
Sorry that you're stressed
That always stinks.
). I did not like the "but my story does have a happy ending." Milk the events out to the reader. If your story has a happy ending, then why should the editors reading your work finish it? Don't give them any excuse to put down your story until they have read it through!
. Good luck with the rest of the application process!
I don't rightly know if there are parameters for the application of work, but I think your piece very good. Your introduction was strong, and the story had a strong forward motion. I'm not exactly sure what the focus of the paper was supposed to be; was it supposed to have a theme, or just explain an event?
Your description when you describe your confusion is good, but I'm so tired I almost got lost (for a moment I thought that you thought that you were crazy and a totally different person, but maybe I just need to get more sleep at night
Continue to paint the picture of what happened that night, and what the product of that night of suffering was. Maybe you can tell more about the transitions instead of the conflict and the resolution.
Other then that one line, the whole piece was fantastic. I hope I was of some help
GAAAH!! will someone else please review this? i have to send it in soon you know!!! THIS COULD AFFECT MY ENTIRE FUTURE!!!
ok, sorry. i'm just slightly stressed lol.
lol thanks for the imput...and the spoiler.
I totally agree. (Hey that's the second time I wrote 'totally.') "A grand total of seven chapters tugged my story-line every which way." I agree; my new work, "Lady of the Wheel," is confounding me. At the same time, Gwen is a noble lady, a knight and a common farmer.
She quests to reach St. Mark's Abbey. After being accused of murder, she starts to go her own way. Haunted by a falcon, she wanders across England.
So hey, I just dumped a huge spoiler on you. Great minds think alike they say.
Best wishes,
Kyte