Firebrand: Prologue (formerly"The Burning")

I love this story!! But, just like everyone else said, the ending was a bit confusing, and maybe even a bit abrupt?? But that's what makes it so good, so it's just a loose, sorta-kinda suggestion. Other than that, beautious!!

I like it, its pretty good, i'll definitely be following this, though this is my first thing like this, a critique its called?

I really liked this part, it really gave me a picture of a huge wave in my head.

lyrical_sunshine wrote:She was the mother of all adrenaline rushes, a great foam-freckled wall of water with a white curl at her crest. I could feel the force of the current within her tugging me out toward the open sea, sucking me into her shadow. She was the image of oceanic perfection, sent by the surf gods as a reward for our patient vigil in the water. My heart pounded like a sledgehammer in my ribcage. It was one of those awesome, half-frightening moments when you realize that mankind will never conquer nature and we are stupid to try.

lyrical_sunshine wrote:I was made for the ocean. My veins ran with saltwater instead of blood; my body was streamlined and sleek like a dolphin’s. While other little girls and boys learned to recite their ABCs, I learned to surf. I knew how to interpret the tides and the currents before I could write in cursive. When I wasn’t surfing, I was kayaking; when I wasn’t kayaking, I was swimming; when I wasn’t swimming I was body-boarding. I surfaced to eat and sleep, but I might as well have been a fish for all the time I spent on solid ground.

orcashadow: thanks for the critique! i didn't realize the ending was confusing, but several people have mentioned it, so i'll try to fix it. yes, she was dreaming, and I do realize it is a cliche, but it's sort of foreshadowing - I'm trying to give you an idea of her fears and her personality and memories. the nightmares are important, so i think for now they're going to have to stay. but if you have any suggestions i would be perfectly happy to listen.

I'll work on the ocean repetition too - i think you're right, it gets redundant. as for the memory aspect of it, it was a dream, but it was a memory-dream. one of those extremely lifelike dreams that was so true to life it was almost a memory.

i'll be posting Chapter one soon. my computer's been messing up and i've been swamped with homework, so it's been hard to work on it.

thanks for the reviews!
~Sunny

... Just a question, but is this just the beginning of your story? Or the whole thing... ?

Great peice, though I found the ending to be a little lacking. It leaves me wondering exactly what happened to her in the end. Was she only dreaming (which is an extremely overused cliche, I might add), or was she really pulled under by the wave? The "throaty gasp" line gives me a slight impression that it may have been real, but everything else indicates that it was only a dream. Care to elaborate? You might want to work on this part to make it a little more clear.

The first paragraph seemed to be a little misleading to me. When you have her say "I was fifteen" and then "Things had changed" I felt like it was going to be a memory or that she was going to be looking back at an event from her childhood. There's nowhere else in the story (so far) that made me feel like she was looking back at it.

I especially enjoyed the descriptions of Marci and her father where you related their hair colors to coffee. I think it's really original and creative... not so much comparing to coffee, but how you completed the description by starting it with her father and continuing it onward when you describe her (and taking it farther by comparing the two to one another).

I loved how you explored her connection to the ocean. When you talk about her saltwater veins and dolphin-like body, it really made me see how much see loved the ocean (and really seemed a part of it). However, the second time you mention her dolphin body, it's getting a little repetitive. Try using a new description the second time to liven things up a bit.

Great work... I look forward to reading more of this.

thank you guys so much!
Aisho - can you tell me exactly which part you were talking about? I couldn't seem to find it.

greenjay - i know, i'm not much for swearing, but it's just part of her character. i'm not the kind of person to who shoves a swearword in every other sentence, but it has to be there every once in a while.

Ooo. Goodjob.

I was fifteen again, bouncing along the back roads to the beach in our puke-green Suburban.

Your imagery is brilliant. I loved it!! The only discrepancy I could find was that you initially described the waves a forceful and crashing, yattayattayatta, but a few paragraphs later you say that the waves died as they reached the beach ... are they forceful or not?

Other than that, it was great. I loved that it'd all been a dream -- I can't wait to read more!

thank you guys so much! you're very encouraging. but if there is anything you see that needs improvement, go ahead and tell me.

Wow, so good! Everyone above pointed out exactly why it was, so I won't repeat. My favorite part was this:

We turned a corner and the sea appeared in front of us, bluish gray under a washed-out sky. The sun bled onto the horizon like orange watercolor, tinting the waves with the barest hint of gold. Hissing wind thrashed the water into foam-capped swells that slammed into the sand with the force of runaway elephants.

I liked the story. As the person said above you give off a lot of amazing imagery and your protagonist is quite relateable. You had a nice hook and your cliffhanger ending makes me want to read more. I can't find anything to point out for improvement at the moment - this story just clicked for me.

That was really great. The first paragraph was really catchy, enough to keep the reader hooked. The langauge and style you use are amazing. I love it. It's not plain yet it's not totally complicated. The ending was quite good. I was a little confused as to what exactly had happened but that was probably just me being unable to think. You did a really great job. I would love to see more!

oooh, good, you are puzzled...well, just a warning, you will be puzzled until the very last chapter lol. thank you very much for your kind review. it's encouraging.

I really liked this a lot so yayz for you

I was fifteen again, bouncing along the back roads to the beach in our puke-green Suburban. Against Dad’s better judgment I sat behind the wheel, watching with amusement as he yawned and ran his hands through coffee-colored curls sprinkled with gray.

My loose ponytail was a few shades darker, a double espresso to his caramel latte, shot through with bold streaks of red and blond. I liked bold colors back then; black and navy and maroon and turquoise – hardcore colors that electrified the eyes. Things had changed.

We turned a corner and the sea appeared in front of us, bluish gray under a washed-out sky. The sun bled onto the horizon like orange watercolor, tinting the waves with the barest hint of gold. Hissing wind thrashed the water into foam-capped waves that slammed into the sand with the force of runaway elephants.

“Damn, look at it Dad! It’s beautiful!” “Language, Marci,” Dad said automatically,

My veins ran with saltwater instead of blood; my body was streamlined and sleek like a dolphin’s.

She was the mother of all adrenaline rushes, a great foam-freckled wall of water with a white curl at her crest. I could feel the force of the current within her tugging me out toward the open sea, sucking me into her shadow. She was the image of oceanic perfection, sent by the surf gods as a reward for our patient vigil in the water.