Published July 25, 2011
Everyday I always thought about what we could of had.
But now I think on how I can get you back.
Never knew it would be this hard to keep someone close.
Being away from you is like being behind close doors. Always wondering on how it would be like the exact opposite of a close door.
Changing to make things work always making me feel like everything is turning for the worst.
So let me sit here and think. I have to get over this feeling the same feeling that I thought you had.
So let me get over this and I'll try not to get over you.
Unless, I already have.
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You posted something! Yay! Okay though, onto business. *evil smirk* I've never reviewed a friends work on this site before, so I will be exceptionally awesome at it I hope. I'll start my review with some obvious nitpicks that I hope you'll correct. Corrections will be in red, and comments in blue.
Overall, I think your concept was what was beautiful here. With the type of emotion that was seeping through there is always room for more depth. You can definitely add onto this and lengthen it to fit a higher mold. One thing I thing you should keep in mind though is the way you deal out the rhyming patterns, as well as the symmetry of the poem. Some lines read off way longer than others, disrupting the overall flow of things. When you write, or if you edit some of this, just remember to keep a beat or a certain rhythm consistent throughout each line.
Anyway though, I really hope this was helpful to you. I tried my best shot at this review. I haven't really done one in almost weeks. Which is kind of sad. D: Let me know if you have any questions about anything I critiqued you on. If you need any help with anything, I'd be glad to be of assistance, too!
Also...
Spoiler
The very first thing that I noticed that bothered me was in the first line: "... what we could of had." You were looking for could hace or could've. I also think you need to rework the "Being away from you...." line. I agree that you definitely have the potential and emotion to make this into a great poem, but it IS in need of revising. I hope I don't sound too harsh because that is certainly not my intent. I wish you the best of luck on all of your future writing!
I think you probably have the emotion to make this into a good poem, but at the moment it seems to fall a bit flat. It doesn't flow very well because some of the lines are a lot longer than the others and break up the flow, so try to make each line roughly the same length and say things in a more concise way. Someone once said, I can't remember who, "if a poem only has three good lines, it should only be three lines long". Think about exactly what you want to say, and be brutal. Start over if you have to - don't be afraid of experimenting. And make it personal to you. I sort of want to know more because the poem doesn't give away much about this person or the situation, so add some details, memories, etc. to make it more personal because at the moment it sort of feels like it could have been written by anyone. Think about what you really want to say and expand on that. Hope that helps!
OK, um, this poem had me wanting for a comma. COMMAS are where the reader stops to take a break and collect her thoughts.
This line here was almost impassable. I had to say it out loud to even understand what you were trying to say.
I think you need to re-work this entire line.
Also, I'm not sure what makes this qualify as a poem. (Except the paragraphing.) Just because you hit "enter" after you type a sentence doesn't make it poetic. You need to use poetic devices. Here's a handy site for a list of them. http://www.chaparralpoets.org/devices.pdf
Otherwise, it's just a broken paragraph.