Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
His hand was soaked in crimson blood as he grasped the bullet wound that opened his stomach. He was hiding from cops underneath a wet tarp of an old motor boat in someone's backyard, as police helicopters and all the state police searched for him. He thought to himself what would have Hitler done? He felt no regret for why they searched for him. he was convinced those killings were right ,America had proven it right.
He peered his head out of the boat looking out for a chance of escape, but not really caring, again he was right America had proven him right."Don't fucking move!" He heard an officer shout. His gun on his neck. The gun was freezing cold. It had been a long, cold day and it looked liked it had just ended for him. The day of an American terrorist.
Five months ago. . .
An old rusty Cadillac squeaked back and forth on an old Texas road, it pulled up in front of a gas station. The gas station was full. The car stopped behind a truck which was being filled up. Smoke came out the Cadillac's rolled down window. It was summer and it was hot. behind the wheel he waited his impatiently angry sweaty eyes behind black shades.The truck in front of him left.
The Cadillac quickly pulled forwards. He stepped out the car he was young nineteen years old, he was muscular but thin. He wore a small stripped shirt. He tossed a cigarette out his mouth as he walked into the gas station. He looked around and then moved towards the checkout, "Out of beef hotdogs again"? Three weeks ago when my dad worked here he had them here all the time". "You eating them or something"? He asked the cashier, who he was planning to rob tomorrow."Twenty on number 5"! He told the cashier. He left smiling as he looked out into the empty highway dessert in the background. "Nobody is going to get here quick enough". He said to himself joyously.
He arrived at a small grey house downtown. It was his sister's home, he lived with her. downtown was very flat a few small buildings here and there but it was always filled with many old cars. "Shit"! He said as he walked into the home and into the small living room, his sister and his girlfriend half naked on a large brown sofa. "Get out of here Daniel"! His sister shouted at him not too embarrassed.
His girlfriend rushed out as quickly as possible. "Your fucking my girlfriend "!? He turned around and ran after his girlfriend whom he only had talked to a month ago. "Da fuck get back here you fucking whore "! She ran off. Daniel's sister placed on a red shirt, and then quickly hit Daniel in the face, her fist was heavy.Daniel covered his eye, it had been bruised,"This is my fucking house you can sleep here bitch, but you know when I'm home you stay the hell away from here"! His sister shouted. Daniel walked away slowly, then asked angrily! "Why are you fucking my girlfriend"? "She doesn't want your dumb ass! Didn't she tell you last month? "dumb ass"! "Shit"! Daniel said and decided just to walk to his room. "Next time you leave! don't fucking go without telling me I need laundry soap! Daniel walked into his room and jumped on his bed covering his bruised eye. A small pistol fell out from his waist.
It was past midnight as Daniel lay on his bed playing with his new gun. His head thinking out his robbery plan, he had almost thought for a second he might not get away, but he had thought that an hour ago. No, now he was wondering if maybe the cashier may be armed what if he gets shot? He pulled up his mattress and pulled out a long switchblade .he will put the knive to his neck first and then use the gun if he tries something smart. He got up and placed on a mickey mouse mask, he was going to use to hide his face.
The next day Daniel sat in his car less than a mile away from the gas station he was going to rob. He looked around the long empty country road and then pulled off fast towards the gas station. He arrived at the gas station. He jumped out the car with his mask on and the knife on hand.
He pulled the entrance door but to his surprise, he realized it was locked, the cashier inside."Open the fucking door"! Daniel shouted and then quickly decided to bust open the door with his elbow. As he came in through the shattered glass door, the cashier stood on the other side with a shotgun in his hand. Pow! Daniel had been shot. his chest he became very cold quickly he fell down into to the hard flat floor, his chest spouting out blood "Motherfucker"!you should not have tried that"! The cashier told Daniel. He was lying on the floor dying, he looked around the floor looking for his gun to shoot the brave cashier, but he could not find it. He knew he had to get out of there before any cops showed up. His sister would be all over what he had attempted.
He leaped off the floor with a scream of pain and ran off to his car. The cashier ran after him gun pointing at him. Daniel knew he had to get away he sped off He could barely see, but he didn't think much about if he crashed as long as he crashed somewhere away from there.
He miraculously arrived downtown he parked close to his sister home and then blacked out on his steering wheel. It was dark when Daniel finally opened his eyes. He got out his car and made it up his sister home stairs. As he walked in, his hand on his chest and still in very much pain, hand filled with dried dark blood. He then heard his sister scream "Oh shit! What the hell did you do"!? He laid out on the living room couch.
"Why me"? Daniel said. His eyes filled with a dancing little dim candle light looking as if it were about to light off. "What did you do"!? His sister shouted again at him angrily. She then grabbed a shoe and threw it at his chest,he screamed out "I got shot! damn can't you see"? He paused and then explained fully "I robbed some gas station", " Motherfucker, He shot my ass "! "Fuck! I'm taking your ass to the hospital". His sister said.I'll just drop your ass there, but don't even mention you have a sister! I'm not getting in trouble because of you". Daniel got up and his siter helped him to her car. The hospital had a cop questioning Daniel how he had been shot. Daniel explained he had shot himself by mistake they got his gun and he was sentenced 30 days in jail for having no permit for the gun.
one month later . .
The day Daniel got out of jail he had received a call from his sister that his parents were in town. They did not know Daniel had been in jail. They were waiting for him at his sister's home. Daniel's parents didn't like him but had gained some respect for him ever since he started dating his old girlfriend Cherry, who His sister had been hooking with. He had to get Cherry back or his parent's would again dislike him.
Daniel found out where cherry was. He drove fearfully to his old friend Sebastian's house. He feared him because he used to be a member of a street gang back in Russia where he had moved from when he was seventeen and had secretly left the gang, Sebastian knew he had left the gang he too moved but never left the gang.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello lylavarious
Myjaspercat here for your review,
Ok, I have to say this caught my eye when I read the description and still when I read the first line. Good job. I do have a few nitpicks you could say thought, so, onwards...
1.) "His hand soaked in crimson blood grasping the bullet wound in his stomach, hidden underneath a wet tarp of an old motor boat in someone's backyard."
---Few things:
a.) before "soaked" and after "hand" I would suggest adding the word "was".
b.) "grasping the bullet wound in his stomach..." with this part of the sentence, I would suggest rewording it. Maybe somewhat like this, "...as he grasped the bullet wound that opened his stomach..." it reads better and makes a tad bit more sense.
c.) "...hidden underneath a wet tarp of an old motor boat in someone's backyard." I don't see what this has to do with the man and his bloody hand. However I do think you should keep this sentence (which brings me to my next point.)
d.) The sentence quoted is to long. I would brake it off after the word "stomach" and then start a new sentence. As well there seems to be to much detail here, which I applaud you for using detail. It makes the sentence clunky and overloads your reader with information. I believe that the reader can live without "wet tarp" and "old" before "motor boat". You don't need to describe everything in full detail. by just saying something like "He was hidden underneath a tarp in someone's backyard" is enough.
2.) "He thought to himself as police helicopters and all the state police searched for him. What would have Hitler done ?"
---Something very small here, change the two sentences around. It just reads weird when you have "he thought" then what he thought (if you know what I mean.) As well, I would like to say that I like how you incorporate Hitler, it kind of makes me think that this is going to be a historical fictional piece.
3.)Question: what killings? I think that it would be nice if you elaborated/ went more into depth here.
4.) "He peered his head out of the boat looking out for a chance of escape, but not really caring if he would escape anyway, again he was right america had proven him right"
---Again, few things:
a.) America needs to be capitalized always
b.) Like what I have said in 1d, the sentence is to long. To fix this I would do a couple of things. One, take away the second "out". Two, take away "if he would escape anyway" it's unneeded.
c.) I don't think that the end of this sentence when you say "again he was right, America had proven him right." is necessary (but that is just my opinion.)
5.) I don't see the need for the exclamation mark after "he heard an officer shout". If you want to use it, use it inside the dialogue tags.
6.) "His gun on his neck, the gun was freezing cold."
---This is an incomplete sentence or it just sounds/ reads like and incomplete sentence.
7.) "It had been a long cold day that day and it looked liked it had just ended for him."
--- Don't repeat "day" therefore you should take away "that" as well and add a comma after "long"
8.) I don't like the transition between the first two paragraphs and the rest of the stories, by just saying "five months ago" doesn't work. Transition better.
9.) "The gas station was full. The car stopped behind a truck witch was being filled up."
---These sentences are very simplistic compared to what you have written before. What happened to what had been written in the beginning.
Anyways I think that is all, and I believe that what I have said can go for the entire piece. I think that you have a very good story developing here but it just needs a lot of work.
Good Luck and Continue Writing. ---Myjaspercat
Hi there fellylavarious, DrFeelGood here to review your story.
I personally love the way how this starts off with a bang. I am given no time to think or analyze anything. This is one of the most exciting starts I have seen on YWS. There is so much of drama happening here from shoot out to robbery to Daniel's neatly given info about his personal life, (I really like the way you have so many action sequences and you neatly describe Daniel which gives both the reader and the writer a sufficient amount of time to think and analyse what's gonna happen next.)
The problem here is your grammar and lot of unchecked and unedited silly mistakes. For example:
And this is just one instance, this story is muddled with so many unchecked and unedited errors that it becomes very hard to follow. You really need to keep that in mind. Also your story is more action/adventure than cultural so I think you need to change your genre as well. That's it for now keep writing and resolve your errors!
Okay first things first, I really enjoyed the idea of this story. It's honestly something I haven't seen anything like this before so ten points for originality but there were several mistakes I couldn't over look. So the first thing you should fix out of any is your paragraphing. I'm going to be honest with you it was atrocious. It was really bad but a simple fix. Each paragraph should have at least five full and complete sentences in them. For special effect and setting a certain mood you can shorten those paragraphs but besides that five is a good base line. Don't start a new paragraph in the middle of a sentence. That's a huge no no.
Make sure to capitalize the beginning of each sentence, I saw you forget to capitalize coupe times. Quotation marks are very important and sometimes you forgot to use them and the beginning and the end of each time a character talked. Oh and the beginning paragraph needs a lot of editing. Hitler needs to be capitalized also.
I know you might not want to do this because I honestly hate it but you need more description and use powerful words. And an example of that would be instead of using "sad" use "Devastated" or even "depressed." those spark bigger emotion in the reader.
The beginning paragraph keeps coming to mind because it has so much potential. I would really and description in that on. like here is a suggestion on how I would do it.
"Hands soaked in crimson blood, it gushing from the fatal wound on his abdomen. It dripped onto the floor of an old boat, as his head barely cleared the bottom of the rusted motor. He thought to himself as helicopter and every helping hand in the states police department was searching for his dead ass."
See I don't really know how you would imagine it so I guessed on how to really put that together but try it out and really think about it like if you were there and what you would feel and then write it down. Edit it again and come to with a new chapter I would be interested in seeing what would happen.