Just the prologue to my almost-finished novel. May seem a bit...rough ^^'. Any comments or sugguestions are welcome and will be of use! And could you see this as an actual hold-in-your-hands novel? Thank you in advance!
this has been deleted. thanks again for you help, people!
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
This makes me want o read the rest of the novel. I hope you post some. The only critique I have is that it gets a little confusing regarding who is who, but you catch it back up eventually. If you wer going to change anything I'd say to make it more obvious which wman is speaking at any given time. I didn't know which one was Aisya untill you mentiond "The dark haired one".
An interesting read for a prologue. I like the description on the first part, although I was a bit confused about your first line. But this is fantasy, so my bad. I did come to terms with it when I reread it along with the second and third ones. ^^
There are typos present though, you need to be extra careful.
The first conversation between the pair was also quite confusing. There was a part wherein I didn't know who was speaking what...
Good luck on your novel!
Wow, thank you everyone! I was starting to give up on ever getting sugguestions XD
I really, really appreciate all your help, and I will take everything into accounts. Thanks again!
Ooh! I like this! Especially this part...
It's very disciptive and a VERY good start.
I, myself, couldn't find any mistakes...
But, someone with better writing skill than I might be able to
How you ended it makes me want more!
Please continue!
~Lulu
-- say: tonight instead of this night
Hardly audible over the crashing water was a gentle, -- what exactly do you mean by heartless? I think that words awkward in this context
walking instead of waking -- take out if anyone. Say instead. Everything was black, the black water, a black sky, and a tall black silhouette steeping into the river
instead of figure, say trees or something else say: the frame of a tall slender woman with a flash of thin auburn hair. -- i didn't really get the feeling that this was a windstorm
-- i think you mean the sophisticated poise it held
Wait is the witness the pair of children or no? That sort of confused me so you might want to talk more about it. I loved it. Maybe a little too much description but other than that I thought it was great. I'm hooked. I would have done more corrections if I had more time. Anyway well, done. remember two things
1) Always cut down on adverbs
2) show don't tell
pm me when the next chpt up!
Apologies for the bump but I just wanted to say that any comments are welcome. I will be satisfied even with a "This Sucks", if it really does. I'm not sure if no comments means"ew, I don't even know where to start with this" or that it just doesn't sound interesting. Too many babies have been pinched TT-TT
XD