Young Writers Society

Hey, lxtmidnight!

Congrats on finishing the novel! That's definitely the hardest part. XD Editing is a pain, but it's a lot easier than putting fresh words on paper, and can be done when you're tired out of your mind. I'll keep this short, though, because I want the chance to read this novel eventually. ^_~

I think the main thing that is dragging you into Iowa with this piece is the fact that you use language and lines that are ripped from television. Examples?

What,” she began, voice lethal, low as a snake in the grass, “do you have to say for yourself?”

- Usually, a parent doesn't ask what you were doing, especially if it was something stupid. They don't really want to hear why, they just want to make sure you never do it again.

Why did you leave this house when I told you specifically to stay?” Her voice was rising, swiftly approaching a shout. “Why did you go against my only wish? Why do you feel the need to do this to me, time and time again? Why Evelle, why?!”

The "don't leave the house!" thing is a bit clichéd. You can keep it in there if it's important to the plot, but then you need to change around your approach. As I mentioned with the last example, a parent who is freaked out doesn't want an answer, they just want to fuss over the kid because they are glad their child is not dead.

“Is that really such a crime?”

Apparently it is, sweetheart. When characters are upset, they're not very eloquent. Keep the dialogue to the Neanderthal level, or stay quiet and brooding.

“You were just a little girl.”

This is something that you're need to rip up a little because it occurs in every fantasy/disaster story known to mankind. Think of this thing kind of like the infamous Sex Talk. It's something that parents eventually need to explain to their children, but is really awkward and they're not certain how their children will react. Thus, the moment needs to have a little bit of purpose and planning, and not just "spilling". Spilling would imply that the mother has wanted to tell the story all along, which would completely negate all of the secrecy and flitting around that has just taken place.

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Cool excerpt, lxtmidnight! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. ^_^