Ashlee quietly hummed to herself while she flipped through the latest issue of Glamorise. Sipping her large hot chocolate she looked at her watch as casually as she could. She had about two minutes before Sam and his date exited the movies according to the session times. At first Ashlee decided to just ignore his infidelity. He was just getting it all out of his system before the wedding she had told herself and for a while she actually believed it. But the more he saw this other woman it seemed like the relationship between her and Sam had withered to the point that Ashlee felt like she was the other woman rather than Sam’s fiancé. Ashlee tried not to think about the tightening feeling in her stomach. She tried not to think about the countless lonely nights she spent crying herself to sleep wondering what she had done wrong. Confrontation was not her favourite thing in the world but spending nights alone in a loveless marriage would be considerably worse.
As the minutes hand shifted Ashlee began to prepare. She pulled out her pocket mirror and gave herself a quick look over before leaving the coffee shop. Her brown ringlets dangled by her ears and rested neatly on her shoulders. The make-up she had applied so carefully had stayed in place and brought out the speckles of green in her deep brown eyes. Standing up she flattened out her favourite denim skirt that she had not worn in years because Sam had complained it was too short.
Ashlee had played this moment repeatedly in her head but actually doing it was a completely different matter. The feeling in her stomach got stronger as she walked towards the movie theatre and met eyes with Sam.
Confidence was something that had always come easy to Sam due to his good looks and the way woman flocked to him. But now his normally cool façade was stripped off and replaced with shock. His proud broad shoulders drooped and his muscular arms seemed restricted in his light blue polo shirt as he tensed and relaxed them. Something he often did when he felt threatened.
For a moment Sam seemed to be frozen in place but quickly recovered to let go of his girlfriends hand.
Ashlee walked over to the couple wearing the sweetest smile she could muster.
“Hello Sam” Ashlee said before leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. Sam’s jaw hung open in a rather comical fashion. Ashlee then directed her attention to the woman. “I don’t think we have met” she said with an added note of cheerfulness.
“Oh no I don’t think we have, I’m Shirley” the woman extended her hand and smiled back at Ashlee. Shirley was a rather short woman with light blonde hair and rather petite features. Her light blue eyes lit up as she turned to Sam and smiled with what Ashlee took to be admiration. Ashlee almost felt sorry for Shirley because really she was an unwilling party in all this.
“I’m Ashlee, Sam’s fiancé” Ashlee replied and firmly shook Shirley’s hand.
“Fiancé?” Shirley stammered and her eyes moved to Ashlee’s left hand to see the diamond studded ring. As if she had found out he was secretly carrying the plague Shirley moved from Sam’s side and stared at him with a look of horror. “You’re engaged!” she cried and Sam winced.
“Well I don’t really think we are anymore…you know…considering the circumstances” Ashlee piped in.
“I was going to tell you Shirley…” Sam started.
“When Sam, when were you going to tell me that I was just a piece of ass on the side?” Shirley interrupted. “No you know what, I don’t event want to hear it because everything that comes out of that mouth is a lie!” she screamed.
“To believe he was lying to us both this whole time” Ashlee said adding fuel to the fire that was Shirley’s shattered self esteem. She pulled out a tissue from her handbag and pattered her eyes carefully so as not to remove her makeup. Sam’s eyes darted between Shirley and Ashlee as he tried not to linger on one of them for too long.
“Oh no, don’t cry” Shirley said as she took hold of Ashlee’s hands. “It will be alright, I swear if I had known…”
“It’s alright I just, I think I’m going to go” Ashlee said sniffling to add effect to her performance.
Shirley nodded sympathetically to Ashlee and then continued to verbally abuse Sam. Before turning to leave Ashlee flashed a triumphant smile at Sam and left him to tend to who she believed would now be his ex-girlfriend.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Luna! Just so you know, I never read the original, unrevised version, so I'm reviewing completely on the current one. Alright, let's get cracking!
After reading this, something that really bothered me was the title. Letting us know right off the bat that you consider Ashlee "classy" isn't something I like. I tend to like it better when you simply show the readers the characters and make our own decisions about whether or not we agree that Ashlee is classy. If you wrote it well we'll think Ashlee handled things "classily" without you shoving it at us in a title.
And my second point: Ashlee didn't come off as classy to me. Not exactly trashy, per se, but not classy.
She really seemed to enjoy making Shirley feel as bad as possible, just to get back at Sam. This shows when you say she's "feeding the fire". Also, she didn't show much betrayal or sadness that Sam had been cheating on her. Just a bit of telling in the first paragraphs, nothing that makes readers actually feel it. She wanted to marry the guy, she should feel something! As is it just seems like she is senselessly getting revenge because she feels like it instead of getting revenge for being hurt so badly.
I find it very unrealistic that she would wait so long to confront Sam. You say she doesn't like confrontation, but the way you write it, it seems like she does. (See above points.)
Actually, I kind of like Ashlee's character as semi-sociopathic and kinda vindictive, but I get the feeling you weren't going for that. If you want "Classy", there needs to be a big change.
Sam and Shirley = Placeholders. Sam has no characterization at all except as a jerk who cheats. But there's got to be a reason she wanted to marry him, right?
Shirley is the same. There's no real indication of what kind of person she is. None, not even one defining trait like Sam.
So basically, the actual prose wasn't bad, but Sam and Shirley were cardboard vehicles to let Ashlee move the plot along, and everything you came straight out and told us about Ashlee was a contradiction to what you showed us. Sorry if this was harsh, I actually liked it a lot and I think it has potential. It's an interesting set-up, but it's got plenty of issues. I'd love for you to flesh it out, and I'd definitely review again.
*Edit: One thing I forgot- Is she fake crying? When she pulls out the tissue Because it definitely felt like that, and added to the image of Ashlee as a b*tchy spiteful girl. It's as if she's trying to make Shirley feel bad for her, and angrier at Sam. Once again this is something I would like if you wanted her to come off like that, but goes against what you say about her being 'classy'.
Keep Writing!
~Karma
OKAY
I have added more human aspects to the story. I have a habit of forgetting that ppl dont read a story the same way I do because in my mind I see the characters.
Keep the helpful comments rolling people
thanks! you are so right about the characters I am going to fix it up and do a re-write
Hello Luna! I'm Evi. Welcome to YWS.
This could use some major developing and expanding, but you have the essential tools of a good story. Keep working on it.
So, this is a step in the right direction! You have a good basis for conflict (the confrontation) and an interesting scenario. However, the best thing you can do for this scene is to expand it. Also, check out this tutorial on Dialogue Punctuation by Demeter. You're forgetting some commas in your conversation.
Right now, you have a tiny snippet of these characters' lives, played out for about thirty seconds in front of us. And, in those thirty seconds, you give us what's absolutely necessary to understand the plot. But, problem is, there's so much more you could tell us. There's really no characterization here-- each character plays their roles efficiently, without a really original spin on it.
The biggest character issue was Ashlee. She's known for a while now that her fiance (her beloved fiance!) has been cheating on her...numerous times. It's not like he saw one woman, once. He's engaged, and has been steadily seeing someone else. That seriously hurts. But Ashlee doesn't show it. It's okay if she's amazingly calm and collected, and can avoid revealing too many of her emotions to Sam and Shirley, but, as the readers, we should be able to get a glimpse of her despair. Because, honestly, there will be despair. Being cheated on is no fun, and if you're about to marry him, you'd be way more worried than this.
Basically? Ashlee is too cheerful, too amused. She needs to react more. Internally, definitely, and maybe even a bit externally. Have her mention how her skin crawls just to see them together, or how the engagement ring feels red-hot on her finger. Explain her fury towards Sam.
If you can start by rounding out the characters into real people, the piece can improve a lot. Once you've characterized everyone, then you can go back and add some description. Right now, I can hardly envision this scene at all-- what kind of day is it? Cloudy? Hot? Is there a lot of traffic around them? What kind of person does Shirley seem like, to Ashlee? Set up the scene so that we can actually be in it, and not just try to come up with a description of what's happening.
~Evi