This was inspired by some rambling writing on my part, Theodora Chalice was born and I just had to put her in some sort of story. This is outcome, this is also my first major experiment with accents. Critiques on that in particular would be great 
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Only A Woman
Theodora quietly entered the parlor of her well lit flat. Her nimble fingers removed her wool scarf, gloves, and cloak. She brushed a few strands of blond hair from her face as she sat beside the fireplace in her wingback chair.
It was an late evening and the moon could scarcely be seen from beneath its veil of dreary storm clouds. Theodora’s maid Linda handed her a cup of tea, barren of any additives and brewed to its strongest flavor. She took a long sip, grateful of the way the liquid scalded her tongue and burned down her throat.
At half past eight, there was an insistent knock at her front door. Frowning, she placed her tea on the table and stood, smoothly opening the door and examining the person beyond it.
"Constable Berkley."
"Good evening Miss Chalice. May I come in?"
Theodora nodded and stepped aside to allow the officer in. Linda quickly took his coat and offered to take his hat, he politely refused. Miss Chalice took this moment to analyze the man standing in her parlor, warming himself at the fire.
He was a stocky sort, red faced from saloon hopping with a pug nose and watery blue eyes that were weighed down by a pair of thick brown eyebrows. He had a beer gut and chubby fingers that reminded her of the bratwurst her grandmother was so fond of. He turned towards her and she blinked at the sudden movement. He held his hat tightly and regarded her with a stern expression.
“Ye may want to sit down for what I’m about to tell ya Miss Chalice.”
Confused, the young heiress obeyed him and clasped her hands in her lap.
“What is it?”
“I...well-“ The man exhaled, “Miss Chalice, we discovered the body of your fiancée in a motel early this morning. He was with someone who was also found dead.”
Chalice’s eyebrows raised a fraction.
“Who?”
“The other blokes didn’t think you should know, bein’ only a woman and all, but...I think you oughta know.” Another heavy sigh. “We found ‘im with another man in his bed. He was...in the act with 'im at the time of murder.”
The young woman gasped, placing her hands over her mouth. She shut her eyes and bent forward, her hair shadowing her from the constable's view. Her slender shoulders shook as she hid her face.
“I’m awfully sorry Miss Chalice. We’ll alert you of any developments when we find the culprit.” The man gazed at the woman with pity before being ushered to the door by the maid. Before he left, Linda stood closer to him, whispering with in his ear.
“How was he-“
“Slitted throats, the both of them.” He shook his head in disgust and tramped off into the night.
Linda sighed and glanced at her mistress from the entrance of the household as she locked the door.
“I’m going to the laundry room miss. Call if you need me.” The only response she received was her employer’s hand waving at her sporadically to leave her be.
The maid complied and carried her mistress's cloak downstairs to be washed. As she pulled various ticket stubs and change from the pockets, her hand brushed against something cool and smooth. Slowly, she pulled the item out to find a bloodied knife in her grasp. A frown crossed her lips and she shook her head, clutching the blade in her fist.
“Only a woman indeed.”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a really great short story. When I started reading, I had no idea where it was going to go, but it was the best kind of surprise in the end. Of course, what happened was really tragic but I really enjoyed the way you presented the story. It was simple and short but very well executed.
The beginning of the story takes on an almost ominous vibe when you go through the story again and know how it is going to end. At first, I did not think much about the way you started the story. Although, thinking of it now, it was a little strange. People do not usually open their stories with someone coming home and simply sitting in a chair for hours. There were not many elements or themes in the story, as the main scene was the only scene we got. However, I really liked how every bit of information in the prose served a purpose and tied into the main plot. You provided us with just the right amount of information that allowed us to form our own idea about the characters and their interactions without taking away the short, momentary punching effect of the story.
Despite the fact that the story is very short, you still provide us with ample descriptions so that we have all that we need to form an idea recreate the scenes in our mind. You do not overindulgence in these descriptions either, but stick to keeping it short and subtle in a way that really compliments the pace of the story. Your grammar is errorless, and your writing style has that slight accent of period pieces. Even the framing of your sentences, your descriptions and everything else silently tell us a lot about the times we reading in the story.
During my first read I was a little surprised as I had expected a more intense reaction from someone who is just learning that her husband has been murdered. That was the first time I had felt that something was off about this whole situation. She seemed to be too controlled and measured in her grief, asking the wrong kind of questions with just the right bit of emotion to evade the suspicion of others. The nature of the crime also raised certain questions. Why would anyone attack her fiancee? That also while he was in bed with another man. Surely, if their intention was to kill him, they would have found a more suitable time when he was not otherwise engaged or with other people. Unless, of course, the target had been both of the men. Or unless the murderer had not been able to wait in his fit of rage.
For a woman who put up such a praise worthy act in front of the officer, she sure was careless if she had left the murder weapon in her pocket instead of parting with it at the first chance she got. Or maybe she was not experienced, and when the realization of her actions had set in, she just had not been thinking about the little details. Either ways, I really liked how casually you presented this revelation, almost like it was slightly concerning but nothing earth-shattering that would require deeper thought. Somehow, that made the ending even more chilling and you are left wondering about these people and the ruthlessness in them.
Overall, this was a really great story and a very enjoyable read. The only complaint I have would be the pace. As it is already a very short story, the fast pace made it feel like things were happening too quickly, and before we knew it, we had reached the end. Actually, you can see it as a compliment or complaint, depending on what you were trying to make the readers feel.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Wonderful story! I thought you did an excellent job. I only spotted a couple grammar issues. I also don't know exactly what kind of accent you're looking for, but I can surely give you some ideas. I think I know the kind you want. I don't know. We shall see
Here's my first step in helping with your accent. Later on, you chopped of the ending of an "ing" word. Do that here too. "Good evenin', Miss Chalice." (don't forget that comma after "evening"
later in the sentence, you use "ya" instead of "ye." Choose one or the other. I, myself, would use "ya." Also, how about "wanna" instead of "want to" and "siddown" instead of "sit down." (comma here: "...about to tell ya, Miss Chalice.")
I may be going a bit far with my accent suggestions, but remember: they're only suggestions. Feel free to ignore them.
"...blokes didn' think" may work. Knock off the ending of that contraction. "bein' only a woman" is where I got the idea of the kind of accent you wanted. I could be wrong. "Another heavy sigh" is not exactly a sentence. It tells me what happens, but I bet it had a green squiggly line in Word (if you use Microsoft Word). How 'bout "He made a heavy sigh" or somethin'?
Here's somethin' unrelated to accents!
"Them" can also be " 'em"
Comma after "room."
I hope my suggestions give you an idea. I hope I helped you out at least a little, if not a lot. I've wrote a story with this ^ kind of accent, if you like it or not. If any questions, feel free to PM me. I can certainly help you out as much as I can
Jabber, the One and Only!
that was great!
i'm no good at writing short stories but you got your point across amazingly.
i love the ending.
=DD