z

Young Writers Society



To Be Joined As One

by luluthedark


[pre]
The Sun
Oh
The Sun
He was wild
And warm
He expressed
And gesticulated
The Moon
O! The Moon
Lithe and exquisite
Her face was lily white
Her hair midnight blue
And her black chiton trailed
Across the cool evenings
The Moon
Bless her soul
Beautiful and delicate
Smooth and unblemished
Had never seen such a face
A male face
A handsome face
A face that shone
With laughter and joy
The Sun
Bless his heart
Rugged and handsome
Weathered and bright
Had never seen such a face
A female face
An impossibly lovely face
A face that glowed
A face that was white as snow
The Moon
O! She was struck
Like her maid
A star
Fallen to earth
Struck by the arrow of her brother
Eros
The Sun
He was urged on by his mother Gaia
And her father Ouros
He took the first step
And extended his hand
The Moon
She
She took the second step
And joined the gap between
The fire and the ice
When hands were joined
As if one
Chaos threw a dark blanket
Enveloping the Universe
The Earth shook
The clouds blew
Zephyr howled
The rain fell
The stars bled
She screamed
And he held her tight
The heavens rumbled
And he held her
Through the ebb and flow
Of life in turmoil
He would not let go
Colours turned to black
Light disappeared
At the protest of the Earth
At this strange union
He whispered to her
In her shell of an ear
Don’t let go
No matter what
The mind churns
The heart yearns
For the way things used to be
But hold me tight
While we are still here
Before we are gone
The short blink that is time
Because
I’d die without you
An imperfect union
A flawed join
If that’s what we are
Let Juliet be scarred
And Romeo be bled
If that’s what we are
Let the most perfect star
Fall from the sky
If we are wrong
Let the purest angel bleed crimson red
If we are flawed
If we are taboo
Let the most perfect flower wither and die
Because love
However ugly
However painful
Cannot ever be
Wrong
And she bled
And cried
And screamed
At the injustice of Love
At the way the Earth rejected
The way she loved
At how she served the world gratefully
And was seared by the heat of anger
The Moon wept
And bled
And screamed at the Sun
She wept into his shoulders
Holding him tight
Never to let go
Her tears fell from the sky
To the cracked barren Earth
Where there soon grew graceful Willows
And stoic sunflowers
His tears
And hers
Fell entwined
And healed the angry fevered
Earth below
As The gods gathered and cried
Though they had once
Protested
The Truth was revealed
And the waves crashed
In harmony with her song
And the soft healing rain
Fell in sync with
His gentle words
And though the Hot light and the Cool white light
Were opposite
On that day they fell as one
Behind the clouds
The Sun and The Moon
Forever one
At Last[/pre]


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Sun May 04, 2008 1:33 pm
Rei wrote a review...



Yeah, way too long. I read the first, maybe ten lines and just thought to myself, it's kind of pretty, but when does it end? You have to be really clear in your intentions with longer poetry and, as it has been said, it's really hard to tell what this is about.

Also, and this is just a personal preference, if a poem is much longer than ten lines, breaking it up into stanzas makes it much easier on the eyes.




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Sun May 04, 2008 1:18 pm
deleted6 wrote a review...



O_O... Way too rambly. You start good but then go on and on. Feel like I'm Alice fallen down the rabbit hole. Please cut this down and make it less drone on. My head hurts.

Overall: From what I read, it had potential like the start I liked it, tis was very cute.

Good luck
VSN




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Sat May 03, 2008 6:03 pm
Cade wrote a review...



lulu--I see you're new, so maybe you haven't gotten around to reading the rules. I just want to inform/remind you that YWS would like you to do two critiques before posting your own piece (well, I guess you've already done that, so get critiquing!) and to keep your ratio of critiques to new posts at a healthy 2:1. People will critique your work if you critique theirs!

Posting polls on your work is also not a great idea; please save that for the Lounge or other forums that are not literary.

If you have any questions please PM me or a mod (dark green name) or junior mod (light green).

-Colleen




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Sat May 03, 2008 5:42 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



O! this poem is too long. And it desperately needs punctuation.

At the age of thirteen, I had never read much poetry. I'm assuming you, too, have not read much poetry. I suggest you read poetry before you make your next attempt to write it. Reading poetry is the best way to understand what makes a good poem, and what a poem should consist of.

This poem, as I said, is much too long. You have so many adjectives, and for the most part, I'm not even sure I can understand what it is about. In any case, whatever it is that you are saying, I am sure you can make it shorter. Long poetry is not bad, but poetry needs to be exact in what it says. Again, this is where reading poetry will come in handy, because you'll be able to see how other writers tell stories through poetry.


Good luck on your next poem! If you have any questions, feel free to pm me.





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