watching eyes part one

She stood there, staring at them. They were on their knees, bowing to her, as they should be. Then the rain came down.

A silk umbrella was put above her head, and her men carry her back to her palace steps on one of her many golden thrones. She walked up the marble stairs one at a time hoping not to slip and fall. As powerful as she acted, she truly was insecure, her need to seem perfect --to keep-- control was becoming far to excessive. Once at the top, her door men opened he ten foot tall bronze doors and let her in to dry off.

She looked out her bay window, staring at the pitiful lives bowing down to her. She was dry, warm and about to eat a delicious dinner, while the peasants stayed out side, bowing in the rain and mud.

"Pitiful little things they are, they live in grub, mud, and pig pens for homes." she thought to her self, for she had no need to say it out loud, every one knew that's how she felt.

As long as she had been ruler there was only one word of kindness said to a peasant by her. And it was to a baby, a little girl to be exact. A pair of peasant parents had walked by when their baby started chortling. It surprised Yoma immensely since there was never any noise to be heard around her, ever. The parents tried to quiet the child, but with no success. Yoma turned toward the child and with only a slight accent of snootiness and said, "She's cute... for a peasant." And then sauntered off.

"Lady Yoma, Lady Yoma," cried a messenger as he came running through the hallways "the King has sent the Lora Troop to you, they are on there way, it was supposed to be unknown, but I saw them and my master told me to hurry and tell you, they're almost here!" He shouted frantically.

The Lora Troop, was the Kings best army, they were fighters, strategists, assassins, and spies. They went where ever the King felt was not being ruled well enough. They were considered a bad omen to most rulers.

"GET OUT OF HERE! Get out of here you filthy little swine! You bring mud germs, and disgust into my palace, I should have you hanged! Arguse get him out of here, I don't care how, just get this pig out of here, NOW!!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.

She stomped up to her room, her maids scurrying after her like a group of pidgins. Arguse took the boy to the front door and gave him a bit of money as a token of apology. Along with that he gave the boy a letter, almost instantaneously the boy looked at Arguse, knowing who it was for. He knew he should resist the temptation to start asking how Arguse knew the person who the envelope was addressed to, but the second he opened his mouth Arguse shushed him.

"Little words can be heard by ears of rats and mice," he said looking over his shoulder.

And with that the boy disappeared through the mist brought by the rain, all that was to be heard was the splash of children playing in mud, and the constant drip of rain splattering against the tin roofs. Arguse closed the door, walked to the main table and sat down, wafting.

And then the soldiers were there. There came a loud raping against the door, it shuddered under the weight of whom ever’s fist was consistently pounding on it. Arguse rushed to the door and quickly opened it and bowed while the captain and his men passed. Captain Dames was tall with broad shoulders, his arms neck and legs were also equally brawny. His dark brown eyes conveyed a sense of power, intellect, and a desire for a challenge.

"I shall get my Lady, sir" said the cowering Arguse. He rushed up inform Yoma, but she was already at the head of the stairs. Her face had no emotion but welcome ness. She walked down the steps as if she were at a ball, eloquently and with much grace, despite the fear she felt with in.

He was accompanied by only twelve other men, their muddy feet were ruining her new Persian rug, but she said nothing. Lady Yoma could do nothing but quiver in their shadows, and hope to god that she could please the men and keep her rein. Well at least keep it till she had enough money to leave and live a rich luxurious life far from mud, peasants, all things disgusting.

“Are you Lady Yoma, ruler of these people and lands?” said his right hand man; Lieutenant Cypro. Cypro was famous for his loyalty to Dames; he would betray the king just to do what Dames asked. He was also quit charming. He had curly dark blond hair, a stubborn jaw and a very muscular torso. It was always a wonder as to why he was not married.

“Yes, I am, and you are Lieutenant Cypro, and this Captain Dames I presume?” she answered haughtily.

Captain Dames stepped forward “Yes, I was sent here by request of King Faro, he has heard that you have had some trouble keeping your land in order, he wishes for me to…give a helping hand.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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They were on there knees

It should be their instead if there

As power full as she acted

As powerful as she acted...

There were some grammar, typos, tense changes, etc... but everyone makes mistakes :]

Anyway, I enjoyed this story a whole lot and I would love to read more! [add lots more detail next time too :D]

User avatar
writergirl007
Review

This is quite interesting. I really like it. But, I do have a lot of suggestions.

1. "her need to seem perfect to keep control was becoming far to excessive."
This doesn't flow. Try this: "her need to seam perfect--to keep control--was becoming far to excessive."

2. "As long as she had been ruler there was only one word of kindness sayed to a pesent by her"
"sayed" should be "said" and "pesent" should be "pesant".

3. "The perants thried to quit the child up, btu with no success."
"perants" should be "parents", "quit" should be "quiet", "btu" should be "but", and drop "up" so the sentence reads, "to quiet the child, but with no success."

4. "Yoma turned tword the child and with only a slight sence of snottyness said "She's cute, fro a peasant.""
"Tword" should be "toward", "snottyness" should be "snottiness", after said, you need a comma, and "fro" should be "for."

I had more suggestions, but I just deleated the document that I had them on! Sorry. :( But, you are probably tired of hearing all the things I am telling you anyways. Just remember, all of these are suggestions, and it is up to you wheather to use them or not. Can't wait to read more!



Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.
— Dr. Amelia Brand, Interstellar