death by a demon [prolouge]

She lay there, flat on her stomach, watching the shadows pass over her soft purple bed sheets. Their dark figures with no true shape or form. Wandering listelessly, they seemed so too much like her own life she had to surpress i little shudder.

And then they stopped, almost as if frozen in time. The world had gone so quiet she could hear the thumping of her own heartbeat. For months now this had gone on: lying awake in the middle of the night staring at her room's ceiling . No! This wasn't her room - it was her Aunt Lyan's guest room. Since her parents murder she was shipped of here to live with the only relative that could take her. Her Uncle Morase back in her home town was deemed "unreliable", and it was true: on the night of her parents murder he had been the last to show up, even though he only lived three blocks down the street. And so a week later she was set on a four hour plane trip to her aunts putrid green house that smelt of all nine cats she lat live there. I mean dont take it alll bad she was a nice enough woman, but she wasn't her mom, no matter how hard she tried.

But no matter how much crying she did the pain never left. The memory of that hirrible night not so long ago.

It had been a dark cold nightjust like this one. But fortunatly she had been over at her friend Amy's house. She loved going there, her parents believed in using the heater instead of "conserving money and energy" like her parents scolded every time Lindsey turned up the thermostat.

"Amy, hand me the chips, I'm starving" I shouted

"You're ALWAYS hungry!" she laughed back.

And on they went eating thir way through every thing that stood still long enough.

But then the door bell range. Looking at my watch I complained, "Who the heck would be here at this time of the night!" It was rediculious, it was so dark and cold outside they had to be crazy!

"Linds, look at the time, 2:30 a.m., it's hardly night, who cares any way, my mom will get it, you know how paraniod she is about 'strangers'!" And with that they went back to eating and talking endlessly.

"Lindsey dear, could you please come down?" Amy's mom asked from her door way.

I shote Amys a curious glance and followed Mrs. Matts down the stairs. It wasn't till I was at the last step that I saw the two cops and the flashing red an dblure lights behind them that I know something was terribly wrong. Their faces full of sorrow and distance. The tal one started to move his mouth, but no words came out, even the wailing siren was silent to my ears. Suddenly I felt a soft but sturdy grip on my shoulder and could tell it was Ames, good old Amy. And then I gratfully passed out in her arms.

The second I woke I knew something was wrong, something inside me told me to run, go home, cuddle up with my parents. They could confort me know matter what it was. I needed to run, to hide, to get out. And as i sat up to bolt I saw it in their faces, the cops, Amy and her moms even my Aunbt Lyan. Pure dread and fear was so clearly writin on their faces they practically had it written in sharpee. Amy's face, worse than the others was tear strikin and contorted in trouble. It was Ames that broke the news to me.

"Linds... your parents," she suddenly shoot with a sobb as Mrs. Matts patted her back, " your parents were murdered.

And so the long restless days sitting at the house weighting for Lyan to get home from her all day shifts at the hospital. She was a full time nurse at the Remes Hospital in there little bo-dunk of a town. She loved her work, but now with her sisters death she worked even longer hours to keep from thinking abou tit. And so this brought her back to lying up late at night wide awake from sleeping most of the day. Thinking about her parents and why she felt that ever-present sense of being watched. Knowing that something was always wrong somehow. It terrified her to ne end and yet no matter how many times she looked behing her shoulder she never saw him. But as she stared back down onto her pillows she knew.

He was here, waiting, watching. She could feel his silent presence emanating not only from a single point but like the air that filled every inch of her room. His gleaming hazel eyes searching every inch of her body yearning for a soft tender kiss or a simple stroke of his cheek. She knew his deepest desires, and yet never gave into him, that is why he hated her so much; that is why he was here.

She took a deep breath and as she let it out she felt it, the knife. Sliding down between her shoulder bones. Crisp dark maroon blood slowly seeping down her back and over her hips and pooling around her trembeling body. He had aimed the knife perfectly, right through her back and straight into her heart.

He had been watching her for a while now. Her soft pale skin glowing like a goddess' in the shining silver moonlight. Her silky black hair falling around every curve of her back and neck. She would be his, that or die. So close he'd been to having her the first time. But then things changed. She would pay, every one would pay.

"Be mine, be mine and I'll bring you back, little Lindsey,'" he rasped into her ear.

"How, how could you?" she gasped.

"I have my ways." he chukled.

"Who...are you?" she said.

"Why don't you look and see for yourself ?" He laughed.

She turned to look, gasping, she recognized him, his once soft, caring features now contorted into a show of anger, sadness, and vengeance.

"You," she quietly gasped. But not quietly enough.

"Yes, little Lindsey. Who were you expecting?" A deep laugh radiating from his very core. His patience wearing considerably thin, just like the heartbeat of his precious Lindsey.

"What is your answer!" He yelled. Would it be better to simply die and leave this world that caused her so much pain and and tears? To see her family again? No, she was never the one to give up.

"Yes."

And then she blacked out.

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Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:40 pm

Avens Dolor wrote a review...

Comments in red.

lulu_lizzrd wrote:She lay there, flat on her stomach Comma. watching the shadows pass over her soft purple bed sheets. And then they stopped, almost as if frozen in time. This is too dramatic (first word is a conjunction) to go in the middle of a paragraph. Make it into a new one or change the line.The world had gone so quit "quiet" she could hear the thumping of her own heart beat. "heartbeat" (no space). For months now this had gone on, lying awake in the middle of the night just staring at the ceiling of her room. "had gone on:" (colon) and then reword the description to fit. No! This wasn't her room, Dash, probably, or another colon if you really want. it was her Aunt Lyan's guest room. Since her parents murder she was shipped off here to live with the only relative that would take her. Her Uncle Morase back in her home town was fit Probably "deemed". "unreliable" Comma. and it was true, Colon on the night of her parents murder he was "had been" the last to show up. (Or something similar), even though he only lived three blocks down Down what? Down the street? Say so.. Her aunt was a nice enough woman, but she wasn't her mom, no matter how hard she tried. You skip from the uncle to the aunt too quickly; you need a bridge.

And so the long restless days sitting at the house brought her back to lying up late at night. Why are the days long and restless? Because her parents are gone? You never say. Thinking about why she felt that ever "ever-present"present sense of being watched. Knowing that some thing was always wrong some how. "something" and "somehow". Plus this sentence is awkward. Plus, you need to show us this feeling and these thoughts, rather than just stating them. And as she stared back down onto her pillows she knew. You start things with conjunctions far too often.

He was here, waiting, watching. She could feel his silent presence emanating not only from a single point but like the air that filled every inch of her room. His gleaming hazel eyes searching every inch of her body yearning for a soft tender kiss or a simple stroke of his cheek. She knew his deepest desires, and yet never gave them to him Probably "gave in to them", Semicolon.that is why he hated her so much, Semicolon. that is why he was here. But who he was well... What?

She took a deep breath in The in is redundant. and as she let it out she felt it. It what? The knife sliding down between her shoulder bones. Right through her back and straight into her heart. You tell too much, instead of showing.

He had been watching her for a while now. Her soft pale skin glowing like a goddess' in the shining silver moon light "moonlight". Her silky black hair falling around every curve of her back and neck. She would be his, Colon. that or die. So close he'd been to having her the first time. But then things changed. She would pay, every one would pay.

"Be mine, be mine and I'll bring you back Comma. Unless he's bringing her a girl named Lindsey.little Lindsey,'" he rasped into her ear, Period."well...?" Capital "W".

"How, how could you, not possible?" she gasped. This makes no sense.

"I have all the power in the world my darling," his voice deep and full of glee. Oh no.

"Who...are you?" Her curiosity piqued. Please use fewer modifiers for "said".

"Why don't you look and see for yourself, or are you too frightened?" He laughed. Please.

Grimacing, she turned to look. Gasping Comma. she recognized him, his once soft Comma. caring features now contorted into a show of anger, sadness, and vengeance. Telling...

"You," she quietly gasped. But not quietly enough.

"Yes Comma. little Lindsey,Period. who Capital "W". were you expecting?" A deep laugh radiating from his very core. His patience wearing considerable "Considerably" thin, just like the heart beat "heartbeat" of his precious Lindsey.

"What is your answer!Question mark." He yelled. Would it be better to simply die and leave this world that caused her so much pain and and tears? To see her family again? No! She must live, she must survive. Trite.

"Yes." New paragraph.And then she blacked out.

Way too overly dramatic. You need to lengthen your sentences and cut back on the conjunction starters, which should be saved for extreme drama. The reader needs more information from the get-go, including how (in general terms) the parents died and more about Lindsey herself.

You also need to show what you mean, instead of just telling the readers up front. Let us take our time, getting comfortable in the surroundings and getting to know the characters.

Bring in more depth, and make your lines less punchy, and this should be a decent opener.

Avens

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Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:16 pm

Jon wrote a review...

this piece was an interesting one but it was a little rushed in my opinion, i think that you should slow it down and maybe describe the bedroom, describe her more,how her parents died ect. another think i had a problem with is that if the guy yelled " what's your answer" wouldn't her aunt and uncle wake up? also how did he even get in the room? he sort of appeared.
also when you say[/b] the knife blade ran through her shoulder bones and through her heart.
it seems like he just stabbed her which i don't think actually happened.
there were some grammer errors
in the first paragraph it says "the world has gone so quit" i think you meant quick
i'm sure if you go back and read it you will find the errors, there weren't that many
other than that i want to read the next part to see what happens to lindsey

---Jon---

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Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:08 am

Moriah Leila wrote a review...

Okay, you wanted brutal honesty. I'm not really quite sure about this. It seems interesting enough, but your settings are not very well developed and I don't see a strong plot. But you do have good points in that I am intriuged as to why Lindsey must survive, who the man is and how Lindsey knows him, and what is going to happen next. Plus you have several lines that have really good description in them. You have described your characters rather well with their physical appearance and the stranger seems to have a strong personality, but Lindsey does not and that makes me sad. This is a bit short for a chapter so you might add more and then we would get to see more of her personality.

The world gone so quit she could hear the thumping of her own heart beat.

The world had gone so quiet she could hear the thumping of her own heart beat.

He was here, weighting, watching.

Waiting not weighting.

Right threw her back and straight into her heart.

Through not threw.

The hyphens you use to break up his thoughts are unnecessary. I know you are changing perspective but they are awkward and don't make that much sense. If you must, leave the first hyphen but take out the second since the perspective doesn't really change.

Her soft pale skin glowing in the like a goddess' in the shining silver moon light. Her silky black hair falling around every curve of her back and neck. She would be his, that or die. So close he'd been to having her the first time. But then things changed. She would pay, every one would pay.

I think what you had meant to write was: Her soft pale skin glowing like a goddess' in the shining silver moon light. That makes more sense and is a very powerful description. Also you see I deleted the space you created. A paragraph should have five to seven sentences in it unless it involves dialouge between different people. The only exception I would make here is if it just doesn't flow right.

"Who...are you?" Her curiosity piqued.

This line confused me. I thought Lindsey knew who was there. She sensed him earlier and recognizes his face but not his voice. That seems strange to me. I don't know, just me personally.

Gasping she recognized him, his once soft caring features now contorted into a show of anger sadness and vengeance.

insert commas in between anger, sadness, and vengeance. Again very descriptive sentence, kudos!

"You..." she quietly gasped. But not quietly enough.

"Yes little Lindsey, who were you expecting?" a deep laugh emanating from his very core. His patience wearing considerable thin, just like the heart beat of his precious Lindsey. "What is your answer!" He yelled.

"You," she quietly gasped. No periods. Capitalize the 'a' in A deep laugh emanating from his very core. You use emanating twice in your story. It is a very powerful word and I like it, but personally it bugs me. It is like you are trying too hard to put descriptive words in your story and this is the only one you know. A theasaurus is a great tool and probably one that I use the most. Invest in one, although most word processors already have one built in under the same category as spell check. Another word you could use for example is radiating. As you can see I deleted the space between the last three sentences, you do not have to start a new paragraph here. His patience was wearing considerably thin, just like the heart beat of his precious Lindsey.

Would it be better to simply die and leave this world that caused her so much pain and and tears? To see her family again? No! She must live, she must survive. "Yes." And then she blacked out.

Again you don't have to start a new paragraph since the first few sentences are her thoughts and then her response.

Other than that, keep up the good work. I am excited to see what happens with Lindsey.

Young Writers Society

death by a demon [prolouge]

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