Watching eyes part 3a

Well, I'm not sure why this is in NaNoWriMo, since this is June not November.

For now I'm moving it to Other Fiction. You can PM me if you want and we'll discuss it. Now on to the Crit!

Amia ran through the grass hills[s],[/s]This should be a semicolon the sheep, fat from winters weight, f[s]a[/s]ollowed her in happy blissfulness. The winter had been long and cold. But now spring was here, the fields were green, the gardens were almost in bloom and the sun was bright and shining.

Just a thought, you might want to describe the seasons a little more. You tell us the winter was long as hard but why not give us some exapmles of it? Tell us how it affected Amia and her sheep. It might help you flesh out your story

Amia sat down on a rock near the creek so that the sheep could rest and graze [s]([/s]not that they needed to[s])[/s].I suggest removing the () and just placing a comma after Graze. She loved the feel of the winds blowing on her shins and the grass tickling her ankles.

This a nice Image. Good use of words to describe what is happening.

She would eventually go home, to a [s]nice cozy warm[/s] I love description too but I think you could just use one. I think Cozy is the best as it creates the image of warm and nice, which is the effect you want. house eat her mother's big spring dinner, then sit down with her father and mother in front of a lightly blazing Lightly and blazing contradict each other. I suggest picking one or the other. fire to read or tell of there day. That's what they did most of the time, and Amia loved it[s],[/s]Should be a period and capitalize the I in the next it. [s]i[/s]It was the best part of the day. Although she did not always see her father since they lived so far [s]out of[/s]from civilization that he would have to go in to sell, [s]there[/s]their meats eggs, and other products[s],[/s]A period instead of a comma. [s]s[/s]So he would be gone for a day or two, sometimes up to a week. But she loved her parents, it was on an extremely rare occasion that she got in fights with them, and they were the only people she ever knew or saw.

Well, I think you made it clear that she loves them in the above part and i dont see the importance of the part on how little they fight. It doesn't seem to hold any real value to the story. Just my opinion.

She stood up, and slowly wandered over to the creek to get a drink and splash ofb a bit of the sun heat. She had only walked about ten feet or so when she saw a shadow passing through the trees. Normally she would not<->haveSwitch words cared, for it could be a bear, a sheep, or any other animal, but it spiked her interests for some reason. [s]But[/s] she decided to walk on anyways, she would have to be leaving soon if she was to get back before dark. She stooped down to her knees to get a drink when she heard rustling. She froze. Amia didn't want to look up onto the body of what ever hideous creature was there. For she knew, a soft calm animal would never come that close to a person, but a tiger, or bear, or something worse might. She heard rustling again, so she looked up, but [s]as she looked up[/s] it was only a shadow quickly moving away into the forest.

Amia just sat there for a moment or two, it was the strangest thing that had ever happened to her[s], ever[/s].

Suddenly Loto, the sheep dog, came running at her frantically barking and pulling at her pants, [s]([/s]she hated wearing dresses[s])[/s]I would put a period after dresses. [s]s[/s]Some thing was wrong. Amia stood up and glanced around, all the sheep were there, [s]there were[/s] no wolves, or any other danger could be seen, so what was the dumb dog barking at!?

"Loto, quite it's not time to play, why are you barking, you're so loud and annoying!" Amia was not really mad, she just had a bad feeling inside, and Loto was there to take it out on.

Loto pulled her by the rim of her pants out into the open field, she looked around but nothing seemed wrong. First she smelt it, then she saw it, smoke.

Her family owned all the land for at least twenty miles around, and now it was burning, and in the direction of her house!

She took off running, bare feet padding against the ground, [s]thud thud thud[/s]I wouldn't use sound effects, but that's just me. Her heart raci[s]ng[/s]ed as though she was being chased by a bear[s]. And[/s]I would replace that with a comma her lungs felt as if they were being stabbed with a thousand knives. She ran until she could not breath, stopped for only a second then started running [s]all over[/s] again. She finally go to[s]o[/s] her house, the land hadn't been on fire, her house had.I think that constitutes an excalmation point

Amia just stood there, not knowing what to feel, or even think. Then it came to her, "where are my parents"?

They must have gotten out, they had to, they had to.Thought are always italicized and use a comma instead of a period She thought to her self.

She looked around, but could not see them, she called but no answer came. Then she saw them, laying across the back door, dead. But not from the fire, stabbed. Her father was laying over her mother, his arm tightly clutched against her waist, as if to protect her, her mothers face was still buried in her right hand, her left had holding on to her fathers face. They were dead[s],[/s]Perhaps an ellipse instead? gone.

Amia started to run to pull them out in hope that they were not truly dead, but then the roof came crashing down upon them. They were surrounded [s]in a ring of there[/s]by their burning house.

They were gone, they left her, they were the only ones she ever had and they left her! She had no family, no home, and no one to hold her while she cried. Falling onto her knees, she cried and cried. She thought her heart would explode, she wished she were dead, to be with her parents, happy once again. She would never be happy again, all that she had had been taken from her, it was all gone. She fell into [s]to[/s] unconsciousness, either form not breathing, or from the smoke, or from they pain of her loosing everything, but she never got to go home to have spring dinner with her family, nor[s]e[/s] would she ever again.

This last paragraph is nice and all but i think you should try different ways of saying it. It gets redundant after a few lines and i think some bettre phrasing might help. It;s a powerful paragraph and can be made amazingly strong with seom better phrasing.

Well, I'm not sure why this is in NaNoWriMo, since this is June not November.

For now I'm moving it to Other Fiction. You can PM me if you want and we'll discuss it. Now on to the Crit!

lulu_lizzrd wrote:Amia ran through the grass hills[s],[/s]This should be a semicolon the sheep, fat from winters weight, f[s]a[/s]ollowed her in happy blissfulness. The winter had been long and cold. But now spring was here, the fields were green, the gardens were almost in bloom and the sun was bright and shining.

Just a thought, you might want to describe the seasons a little more. You tell us the winter was long as hard but why not give us some exapmles of it? Tell us how it affected Amia and her sheep. It might help you flesh out your story

Amia sat down on a rock near the creek so that the sheep could rest and graze [s]([/s]not that they needed to[s])[/s].I suggest removing the () and just placing a comma after Graze. She loved the feel of the wind[s]s[/s] blowing on her shins and the grass tickling her ankles.

This a nice Image. Good use of words to describe what is happening.

She would eventually go home, to a [s]nice cozy warm[/s] I love description too but I think you could just use one. I think Cozy is the best as it creates the image of warm and nice, which is the effect you want. house eat her mother's big spring dinner, then sit down with her father and mother in front of a lightly blazing fire to read or tell of there day. That's what they did most of the time, and Amia loved it, it was the best part of the day. Although she did not always see her father since they lived so far out of civilization that he would have to go in to sell, there meats eggs, and other products, so he would be gone for a day or two, sometimes up to a week. But she loved her parents, it was on an extremely rare occasion that she got in fights with them, and they were the only people she ever knew or saw.

She stood up, and slowly wandered over to the creek to get a drink and splash of a bit of the sun heat. She had only walked about ten feet or so when she saw a shadow passing through the trees. Normally she would not have cared, for it could be a bear, a sheep, or any other animal, but it spiked her interests for some reason. But she decided to walk on anyways, she would have to be leaving soon if she was to get back before dark. She stooped down to her knees to get a drink when she heard rustling. She froze. Amia didn't want to look up onto the body of what ever hideous creature was there. For she knew a soft calm animal would never come that close to a person, but a tiger, or bear, or something worse might. She heard rustling again, so she looked up, but as she looked up it was only a shadow quickly moving away into the forest.

Amia just sat there for a moment or two, it was the strangest thing that had ever happened to her, ever.

Suddenly Loto, the sheep dog, came running at her frantically barking and pulling at her pants, (she hated wearing dresses) some thing was wrong. Amia stood up and glanced around, all the sheep were there, there were no wolves, or any other danger, so what was the dumb dog barking at!?

"Loto, quite it's not time to play, why are you barking, you're so loud and annoying!" Amia was not really mad, she just had a bad feeling inside, and Loto was there to take it out on.

Loto pulled her by the rim of her pants out into the open field, she looked around but nothing seemed wrong. First she smelt it, then she saw it, smoke.

Her family owned all the land for at least twenty miles around, and now it was burning, and in the direction of her house!

She took off running, bare feet padding against the ground, thud thud thud. Her heart racing as though she was being chased by a bear. And her lungs felt as if they were being stabbed with a thousand knives. She ran until she could not breath, stopped for only a second then started running all over again. She finally go too her house, the land hadn't been on fire, her house had.

Amia just stood there, not knowing what to feel, or even think. Then it came to her, "where are my parents"?

"They must have gotten out, they had to, they had to." She thought to her self.

She looked around, but could not see them, she called but no answer came. Then she saw them, laying across the back door, dead. But not from the fire, stabbed. Her father was laying over her mother, his arm tightly clutched against her waist, as if to protect her, her mothers face was still buried in her right hand, her left had holding on to her fathers face. They were dead, gone.

Amia started to run to pull them out in hope that they were not truly dead, but then the roof came crashing down upon them. They were surrounded in a ring of there burning house.

They were gone, they left her, they were the only ones she ever had and they left her! She had no family, no home, and no one to hold her while she cried. Falling onto her knees, she cried and cried. She thought her heart would explode, she wished she were dead, to be with her parents, happy once again. She would never be happy again, all that she had had been taken from her, it was all gone. She fell into to unconsciousness, either form not breathing, or from the smoke, or from they pain of her loosing everything, but she never go to go home to have spring dinner with her family, nore would she ever again